“I’m sorry you feel that way” or “You’re wrong and I don’t care”? What could be hiding behind the apology we all know, all use, but all hate to hear?
We all have that one friend. The person who makes all the right moves to apologize, and seems to say the right things, but you walk away feeling bad but not quite sure why.
They told you they were sorry, didn’t they? At least you started with the right words. Or did they pretend to be sorry, but actually made you feel like you were being irrational?
They apologized for making you feel a certain way but never actually took responsibility for their behavior that made you feel that way.
“I’m sorry you feel this way.”
It makes us feel like we want to relaunch the argument when we hear it. When we seek an apology or resolution with someone, both parties should at least feel as if their feelings have been properly acknowledged. An unapologetic apology does not achieve this.
While using the phrase “I’m sorry you feel this way” can in some circumstances be well-intentioned, more often it can be a sign of something deeper.
So why doesn’t a person apologize?
On the face of it, this may be an attempt to acknowledge someone else’s feelings. However, ambiguity does not properly acknowledge the other person’s hurt and affection at all. In fact, it serves as a way to defuse conflict without having to take responsibility for hurting someone in the first place.
The actual reason why someone would use a non-apology apology can vary depending on the situation. It really depends on the context and how “I’m sorry you feel that way” is said. How you feel walking out of the conversation is important for assessing what was really going on.
- They do not want to, or cannot, take responsibility
Some people genuinely struggle to take responsibility for their actions. A variety of factors can play into this.
Research has found that those who believe they can change for the better are more likely to apologize for their actions and take responsibility. Those who did not believe they were capable of change were less likely.
Beliefs about a person’s ability to change can depend on their self-esteem, how much the person wants to change, or whether they know it is possible. Ultimately, it seems that for someone to take responsibility, they must actually want it and believe that change is possible.
- They actually think it’s your fault
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” is a quick way to use proper apology language to end an argument without having to admit fault.
Some people do this in an attempt to avoid conflict, even when they think they are wrong. Maybe they’re tired of fighting, or fighting isn’t a big deal. Either way, they may be subtly blaming you without you even realizing it.
- They deviate
People don’t like to admit mistakes easily. They may use diversionary techniques to divert attention away from themselves and to you.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not a way to distract from your feelings for a while without having to deal with your mistakes. This may be a genuine desire to acknowledge how you feel, but it can be a red flag that someone is unable to take responsibility for their actions.
- They feel sorry for themselves
Arguments can create feelings of guilt in those at fault, and this can be difficult to deal with in the face of conflict. Apologizing without apologizing is a way to quickly divert attention away from the problem so they don’t have to confront their bad behavior.
If you think your friend or partner is drifting, it might be an idea to give them some space before talking to them again. Allow them to sit with their feelings for a while and deal with the situation calmly again. You may get a better outcome than continuing to escalate the conflict.
- They can’t empathize with you properly
There are times when our past experiences and history can make us more sensitive to certain situations. Not everyone can understand our personal sensitivities all the time, so they can’t always empathize.
“I’m sorry you feel this way,” is a way to acknowledge these feelings even if you don’t understand them. As long as it’s said carefully and with sincere intent, it may not be a bad thing.
- They think you’re silly or irrational
If someone doesn’t understand how you’re feeling, they may think you’re overreacting or being irrational. However, telling you this is not a good move in the middle of an argument. This phrase is an attempt to smooth things over without telling the person how you really feel. - They are trying to stop the argument
Arguments are exhausting, and no one enjoys them. “I’m sorry you feel that way” uses language similar to a proper apology, and so can sometimes just be an attempt to stop a fight. In these circumstances, this does not mean anything harmful, but may just be fatigue leading to poor choice of words. - They gaslight you
In the worst cases, “I’m sorry you feel this way” is a sign of an incredibly toxic trait. Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse that makes a person question how they feel and their perception of reality.
We all unintentionally set each other on fire when we put ourselves in an awkward situation, but most of us can recognize it and stop or apologize. Some people use gaslighting as an intentional tactic to control someone and continue their bad behavior.
Gaslighting is often coupled with a number of other abusive behaviors, so it’s important to remain vigilant in case your relationship doesn’t resolve.
