Hi Evie, I am a single woman (in my mid-30s) and I need your help! I have a friend of many years, let’s call him “John”. He got married two years ago, I attended the wedding with my ex-wife, and I got along very well with his wife. Speaking of which, I met John in my early 20s when we worked at the same restaurant while studying, and we have maintained a close friendship over the years. When he got married, I thought our friendship would cool off, but since his wife and I got along, we did a lot of things together. The problem is that I have developed strong feelings for John, and I have no idea where they came from or why. I have always thought he was an attractive man but never considered him a good friend or husband. But I see how he treats his wife and it is clear that he has his heart in the right place. I find myself staring at him, and I get nervous when he hugs me or stands close to me. I have tried to keep this to myself, but other mutual friends have asked me what is going on and why I act so strangely around him. I admit that I have made the mistake of texting John several times, late in the evening (I blame the wine). His wife recently alerted me and asked why I was texting him so late and if something was going on. I didn’t know what to say, so I denied it and pretended it wasn’t a big deal. I’m afraid of getting caught, but part of me secretly wants it to come out, that John might be thinking about being with me (I feel bad saying this, but I can’t control my emotions). Please help me, Evie! – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’m glad you wrote, it’s clear that you’re struggling to contain your new feelings for your boyfriend and I’m afraid that your actions, if left unchecked, could leave you in a miserable situation without John or his wife in your life.
First, let’s address the roots of your feelings. Sometimes, unrequited love or unexpected feelings for a close friend can arise for a variety of reasons: emotional closeness, admiration, or even a subconscious desire for the stability and passion you see in John’s relationship. However, recognizing the origins of your feelings does not justify acting on them, especially when it comes to a married person.
You mentioned that you had never thought of John as a romantic person before, suggesting that your feelings may be more about the qualities you admire about him, the qualities you desire in a partner, rather than deep romantic love. Reflect on this—do you truly love John, or do you just love the idea of him and what he represents?
Next, consider the consequences of your actions. If you pursue these feelings, you are risking not only your friendship with John but also his marriage and the trust his wife has placed in you. Is this something you are willing to risk? Late-night texting is already a red flag, and John’s wife has noticed. Continuing on this path will likely lead to more pain and regret for all parties involved.
Going forward, you need to take decisive steps to protect yourself and those around you:
Set boundaries: Limit your interactions with John to group settings and avoid situations where you might be alone with him. This will help you manage your feelings and prevent any actions you might regret later.
Reflect on Your Desires: Take some time to understand what you’re truly looking for in a relationship. Use this situation as a learning experience to identify the qualities you want in a partner and redirect your focus to finding someone who is available and with whom you can build a future.
Communicate honestly: You need to address your feelings directly, not by admitting them to John, but by being honest with yourself about why these feelings are arising. Consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor to navigate these complex emotions.
Take a step back: It may be helpful to step back from your friendship with John. Distance can provide clarity and help you gain perspective on your feelings. Use this time to focus on your personal growth and well-being.
Enhance your other relationships: Surround yourself with supportive friends and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This will help you build a stronger emotional foundation and reduce the intensity of your feelings toward John.
Remember that your feelings, while valid, do not justify actions that may hurt others. By prioritizing self-awareness and integrity, you can navigate this difficult situation gracefully and come out stronger on the other side.
All the best,
Evie
