I am co-parenting with a narcissist. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s a living hell.
Pardon my French, but co-parenting with a toxic person can make you swear when you wouldn’t normally use that language. You see, I was married to someone with narcissistic personality disorder for about 20 years.
Living this way was very difficult. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make sense of things. You see, I was much younger at the time and had no idea what a narcissistic personality was.
In case you have no idea about narcissistic personality disorder, here are some pointers so that you can follow it:
Lack of empathy for others
Inflated ego
The need for attention
They tend to be liars
Gas lighting experts
There is no liability for negative actions
and much more. You can keep researching this issue if you want to. We have many posts about the narcissistic personality and how it affects others. Now back to the topic at hand.
How I Dealt with parenting a Narcissist
To be honest I got along well with my ex until about 4 months ago. We had no problem discussing issues related to the children for years after the divorce.
This mostly involved basic joint custody issues such as switching days for personal reasons and working out split holidays. It looked like we had planned it well. Suddenly, something else seemed to take over, and he seemed to be possessed.
You made a big mistake. I forgot who I was dealing with, and should have known the toxicity would set in even though we were no longer married. And I did.
After years of helping me support the kids, he took away child support, which is a verbal agreement you care about, so I couldn’t take it to court. Meanwhile, he bought a house, a brand-new car made this year, and a lawnmower at exorbitant prices.
What I was thinking is, oh, he’s bitten off more than he can afford for this, and so he’s gotta get the money from somewhere. bubble! Cut off verbally agreed upon child support. However, I managed to get half of it back.
So, while I have some advice on how to deal with this common parenting narcissistic behavior, I’ve also researched a bit more. As parents in a family divided like this, we need all the help we can get. As much as I wish the two sides would get along, I think it’s just a dream. So, I will handle it like a pro.
How do you co-parent with a narcissist?
Communicate and protect your emotions
When I say communicate, I don’t mean talking to your ex all the time. No, please don’t. I’ve tried to be friends, but it just falls apart eventually. You must set limits on your communications. If you can, talk over email because co-parenting with a narcissist can hurt your feelings.
Emails can’t show feelings as well as talking on the phone. Narcissists feed off emotions, and without that, the playing field is a little fairer. Even texting can sometimes cause problems. Boundaries and limitations: This is how communication will work.
Catch those triggers
Narcissists have always been the best at exacerbating the triggers you already have. They can also create more, even after a divorce. Even when you have joint custody, a toxic person like this will try to disrupt your plans and act like you never told them.
It is a stimulus used to provoke anger. Those lies that they used in the relationship after the divorce will be used at their discretion. Once you realize they are about to trigger you, cut it off, and stop the conversation.
Be firm and stand your ground
If you make an agreement with your ex about the kids, and it seems to be going well, no problem, right? mistake. When you co-parent with a narcissist, you’ll notice that they still try to gaslight. So, when it comes time to take the kids on that trip or to that event you discussed, they’ll argue that you’re cutting off their custodial time.
Well, maybe you are, but since you discussed the exchange, everything seemed fine. The days have just switched, and they agree to this. Well, they will try to work around this to get the better of you. They will say that you lied, that you are in the wrong, or that you are just as “crazy” as during the marriage.
They usually tell the new wife this kind of thing. Solution: You must remain firm and move forward with plans. Even if they threaten you, it’s probably a hoax. I say call him.
Don’t argue, just take action
Never try to argue with a toxic person. You will never win the battle. For twenty years, I argued back and forth with my ex, trying to keep my footing and save our relationship. But nothing you can say or do will stop a narcissist from doing or saying what they want.
Even after a divorce, the narcissist will thrive on your arguments. They remember the fights from before, and they know you can’t make them see your side, so they just sit back and enjoy it.
What you should do is say your peace and stop. Walk away and stop replying to messages until the topic is out of date. Let them sit in their stupidity and think about the cruel things they said. Sometimes, as narcissists get older, they gain the capacity to feel guilty. It’s weird.
Do you deal with things like this?
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, I feel for you. I went through a lot of pain in my marriage, and there was little sympathy from my ex. I raised three kids, and the first one I practically raised on my own.
You see, most of the time my ex was gone with friends, cheating, drinking, or doing drugs. Many times I was left alone with my first son, educating him, and doing the best a new mom could do. Of course, I wasn’t perfect. Just put that in there too.
There have been times after the birth of our others that things seemed to get better, and maybe they did. But below the surface, Somayeh sat and waited. At random moments, the narcissist would come back and remind me why I had to stay away from him.
And I did just that. While my ex-husband played a bigger role in raising my two youngest boys than he did in the first, he wasn’t as there for them as he should have been. I guess that’s why he’s trying to be there more now.
But you can’t use narcissism to win back lost time either. So is the case of co-parenting with a narcissist. So, if you have a similar story, I understand how difficult it can be. Just follow my advice, maintain a good support system, and most of all, don’t let your ex ruin your life.
