I don’t know when I became a self-aware narcissist. I mean, maybe I’ve always been the narcissistic part, but a bit of self-awareness came one day when I said something self-deprecating and someone told me not to be so hard on myself.
My response was: “My self-deprecation is just another form of self-preoccupation.”
Epiphany time! Ascertained by my palatable form of narcissism, I patted myself on the back and then went to check in the mirror to see if I looked wiser but hopefully not older. It looked the same but I still spent some time with my thoughts.
I think most narcissists fall into the self-conscious category with me. (I’m not special, even if I am very special.) We’re over-thinkers, observers, and writers, but we know that we can’t be about us all the time. The problem is that sometimes it happens.
It makes it difficult to understand how to love a narcissist…and they will fall in love with us. We are dazzling, but we are not monsters. We’re just messing around (once you get to know us).
And when it comes to finding someone who loves us, with all the flaws and everything (we know we have them), we want you to stay in love with us.
Even if it’s hard, we’re worth it. (Unless you’re dating someone in the 1% of the population with narcissistic personality disorder, beware. They’re probably self-aware and a real terror.)
Related: 9 Obvious Signs That You’re Dealing With A Narcissist
But here are some facts about how to love a narcissist.
1. We need you more than you need us.
We do. Once you love us and we love you, we also love the way you see us.
Losing that or seeing that change negatively affects us to our core because we are not as self-sufficient as we may pretend.
2. We are afraid of being boring.
We are a little or a lot into ourselves, but for self-aware narcissists, there can be a fear of not being enough when we peel back our layers.
We’re not as confident as we might seem, and we’re always disconnected and questioning who we are and if it’s worth it.
3. We are in an endless pit of want.
Oh, we pretend we have everything under control. Rather, we are independent in many ways because we often love our own company. But even in our isolated states, we later want to take notice and take credit for our unique isolation.
We need reassurance without having to ask for it.
We crave reminders that you want us to be around you. We can be foolish if you make it clear that you love us or need us, but the minute you pull away, we feel terrible.
4. We love attention
Unfortunately, not just you.
Once we know you love us, it’s as if we need outside attention, because we’re so disgusted with ourselves sometimes that we don’t respect people who think we’re cool. So we need new people to tell us we’re great.
This is why we often adore cats; A dog’s affections are won over very easily. We want to work for that.
5. We are damaged.
A lot of this self-focused introspection stems from something.
In my case, I was a very shy child and had difficulty forming deep friendships. I had loving parents but was confused about how I should be (often choosing to be a fun person instead of rocking the boat and always thinking I didn’t have much to offer).
While we’re all damaged and a bit narcissistic about what could have gone differently in our lives, self-conscious narcissists can’t always shake the feeling that the sad little person we were is still the same person we are.
6. We overestimate ourselves
We’re often the busiest people you know, partly because we’re afraid to say no. We know we have to say no sometimes, but we love compliments, attention, and questions.
We worry that if we say no—to a task, opportunity, or invitation—no one will miss us and we won’t be asked again.
Related: 7 Serious Signs Someone You Know Has Narcissistic Rage
7. We keep score.
We can be and often are, in certain aspects anyway, very generous with time, attention, and gifts. But there is always something we keep or keep track of.
I do something kind or seemingly selfless for a relative or friend and I find myself thinking, Wow, that was very nice of me. I don’t necessarily want or ask for a reciprocal favor, but I like to celebrate my little moment of sainthood.
8. We are incredibly conceited.
Whether we’re conventionally attractive or just have something we don’t know, we’ll check our reflections when we pass through a store window.
This is why reflective surfaces exist. We also feel very self-conscious about leaving the house looking less than our best.
9. We criticize.
I can be a monster to my husband. In all relationships, we view parts of our partners as reflections of ourselves, but narcissists often see our weaknesses as our failures.
It’s not fair, but it’s more our fault than yours.
10. We are terrified of being found out.
Yes, we have to be narcissistic, selfish, and absurd, as I am doing here. But am I hiding aspects of myself? Yes!
The hidden parts of my heart are like a soft, playful lump of a little rabbit. I’m so afraid of what would happen if I took him out of the woods.
However, we are not all bad. There are positives to dating someone…
11. We can be very bold.
Because of the fear of being boring and not wanting to say no, we sometimes say a big, resounding “yes” to life.
We want to make waves, not surf channels. We are hungry to experience everything we can (dragging down endless pits of desire leads to increased appetite).
12. We look good.
We’re so freaking vain. So yes, we take care of ourselves. We love attention, so yes, we might as well wear a bra and toss our hair like no girl has ever tossed her hair before.
We will marvel and love it, but you have to set us free. And there is always a small chance of wearing underwear.
13. We help you be your best.
Yes, there’s this whole super important thing, but since we see you partly as a reflection of ourselves, we also want to help you.
We’ll urge you to hit the gym, eat right, and replace those saggy pants. We deserve it but we also know you deserve it too.
Related: If He’s Bad At These 3 Things, He’s Likely A Covert Narcissist
14. We know how to make others feel special.
One thing about loving attention is that we know that others love it too.
So when we compliment someone, it’s sincere, not cloying, and usually makes them feel like a million bucks.
15. We are creative.
Something happens to people who are in their heads and enjoy their own company.
We have ideas. Strange things, often. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes, those are the things you want to talk about late at night. Sometimes the kind that helps you solve a problem from a completely different angle than you expected. Yes, keep us around.
16. We are curious.
That whole thing that’s afraid it’s boring? This often turns us into the type of people who love to learn, grow, change, and explore.
This is a trait of the self-conscious narcissist and not a fixed trait that you actually believe is a gift from God.
We are always trying to improve ourselves because we love and hate ourselves at the same time. As crazy as this may be for you, it also means that we’ll never get bored and can always recommend a good book.
17. When we try, it means something.
Look, we make a lot of time for ourselves. But we’re also not do-gooders who take care of everyone (and those people are nice and lovable and shouldn’t be insulted).
So when we give you our all, you can feel really good because it’s coming from a part of our heart that we don’t necessarily make available to many.
18. We try to be better.
If we are truly self-aware narcissists, we try to make amends.
I know I’m talkative and I have a story for everything. But I remind myself that some of my talkativeness is a side effect of nerves; I remember to ask questions and then really listen to the responses.
I’m not always good at this and it’s hard to drink. But I try, and I often succeed. We want to be better because we love people other than ourselves, so just be patient with us, okay?
Related: 8 Dire Mistakes To Avoid When Divorcing A Manipulative Narcissist
