Last year I was in a very dysfunctional relationship.
But I only realized how bad it was later.
We all tend to justify our behavior and actions, and self-awareness comes slowly…
Plus:
When you have feelings for someone and want to see the better side of them, you tend to give them a chance too…
But dysfunctional relationships are actually very harmful and can cause you and your partner to regress and go backwards in your personal journey.
Here are the top indicators that your relationship has serious problems.
1) You depend on your partner for your well-being
If you’re relying on your partner to feel good about yourself, this is a big red flag.
Supporting and trusting each other and caring about how each other is doing is great:
Related : 12 warning signs your friends have lost respect for you
But feeling like one of you is responsible for the other’s emotional well-being and stability is a bad trap.
This is very common in those with avoidant or anxious attachment styles who may feel resentful of their partner’s behavior.
The next thing that happens could be worse…
2) You or your partner blame each other for your own problems
When you or your partner start blaming each other for your problems, it’s real
I’ve been there and I know how ugly it is.
But there is also something to consider about this behavior:
Often it’s not that you directly blame your partner for making you depressed, making you insecure, not being supportive enough or something like that…
In many cases, you (or they) are upset by your reaction to something they are upset about.
When my ex-girlfriend’s boss was rude to her and I told her it didn’t seem important, she blamed me for making her feel like she didn’t matter…
And so on and so on…
3) You and your partner depend on each other
Dependability is a master of disguise.
It sounds like love and care for another person, but all it really is is insecurity and narcissism.
Codependents often fall into the role of victim or rescuer and are divided into avoidant or anxious attachment styles.
It can include people in a relationship demanding that they please each other’s feelings as I mentioned earlier, and it can also include fighting and make-up styles.
When one partner feels responsible (and entitled) only to “save” or “fix” their significant other, they create an endless cycle of toxic despair and continue trying to fill a lack of self-worth that cannot be filled.
4) You and your partner are financially dependent on each other
Another highly toxic and disturbing form of codependency is financial dependence.
To be fair, every couple (whether married or not) has their own arrangements regarding finances, spending and costs.
It’s not just about money, it’s about respect.
If one of you is taking advantage of the other or not doing their fair share of what you said you would do, it will create tension.
It’s very dysfunctional in a relationship when dishonesty or abuse occurs regarding finances, and I wish it wasn’t so common!
5) Get into arguments over small things
Arguments are inevitable and can be part of a healthy relationship.
The problem with arguments and when to be careful with them is when they get too pedantic.
Why didn’t you do this or why did you do it exactly this way?
Why didn’t your partner leave her toothbrush in the cup holder instead of next to the sink and didn’t notice her hair there?
Small arguments can snowball into much larger issues, and often represent an unwillingness or blockage to discuss what’s really bothering you.
If you often argue about small things, it may be because there are some really big things you need to talk about!
6) You don’t really support your partner and vice versa
If tomorrow you lost everything, where would your partner be?
The only correct answer is by your side…
For many of us, the reality is that they may not be, or that they will only add stress to the situation.
If you or your partner don’t fully support each other and stick with each other when outside circumstances get tough, it could be a warning sign that…
A) Lack of real commitment
b) Lack of true love and communication
This brings up the next point…
7) You find yourself switching between love and hate for your partner
We’ve all heard about the love-hate relationship, and it’s all very real.
One day, you get so bored with your partner, you are sure that you will never want to see his face again in your life.
The next day, you feel grateful for their presence in your life and want to apologize to them for every possible mistake you made.
This is not a good sign.
Jumping between love and hate in a relationship is often accompanied by codependency or deep insecurity in one or both of you.
If you find that your emotions are all over the place, do your best to control them before expressing too much to your partner and potentially confusing them or making the situation tragic.
Advise your partner to do the same if he often seems to get out of control or suddenly becomes overly loving with you, too.
8) You use your partner as an emotional punching bag or vice versa
It’s healthy and natural to open up and share how you feel with your partner.
But using her as an emotional punching bag is a sure sign of dysfunction in the relationship.
Related : 26 phrases passive-aggressive people use to indirectly criticize you
This isn’t always as in-your-face as yelling at the person you love or telling them they’re a terrible person.
It can be more subtle like withdrawing attention from them, criticizing something they do, or blaming them for not doing everything you ask of them.
But if you look at the relationship and find that you or your partner are primarily using the other to take out your frustrations, then the relationship needs serious work.
9) You or your partner play jealousy-inducing games to get attention
I think a little jealousy can be healthy in a relationship.
But when it crosses the line into possessive and controlling behavior, it becomes something else entirely.
If you or your partner are overly jealous or intentionally try to make each other jealous to get your way (or get attention), this is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.
This is a way to express frustrations and seek intimacy or attention that one or both of you feel you are not getting.
There are healthy ways to communicate and ask for the love and attention you need, as well as addressing any jealousy issues.
