Is your relationship with your partner healthy?
If you answered “yes!” wholeheartedly, you probably don’t need to be here unless you’re reading, you know, “For a Friend.”
But chances are that if you’re reading an article to find out if your relationship is codependent, things are probably not 100% okay.
Don’t worry—it’s normal to have challenges in relationships and look for solutions and root causes.
However, you may just discover that some things going on in your relationship aren’t healthy at all.
If you can identify several of these 13 behaviors, you may be in a codependent relationship with your partner.
What does “codependency” really mean?
I know you’ve heard the term codependency before, but I just want to clarify what it means because a lot of people use the term incorrectly.
Codependency seems to mean that two people in a relationship are dependent on each other.
But in reality, it’s just a normal relationship where both partners help each other out, rely on each other, and support each other. There is a balance, and dependence is not extreme or one-sided.
Think of that healthy relationship that stands tall and proud like a big, beautiful H. If it were cut in half, each side would probably still stand on its own.
But a codependent relationship is like an A where both partners are dependent on each other. If it were cut in half, both sides would fall apart.
Relationships like this are filled with extreme need and sacrifice. They can also be unbalanced, with one partner being dependent and the other being enabling.
Here are some of the behaviors you will see in a codependent relationship:
1) One partner meets the other’s needs completely
No matter what that partner wants, the other partner is willing to provide it.
This happens with a codependent and enabling person, where the codependent will go out of their way and do their best to make the other happy.
Or if they are not happy, at least you should keep them happy.
While this can also be a harmless sign of someone who is fascinated, it can also identify someone who is codependent and feels the need to meet the other’s needs at all times.
2) One partner ignores his or her desires and needs
The other half of the partner who caters to the needs of the other is in doing so, the caterer ignores his or her desires and needs if they conflict with or contradict their partners.
He wants to eat Mexican, but he or she wants Italian? Italian.
Didn’t sleep well last night and need a nap? It’s too bad you have to drive him or her to see his or her friends.
What the codependent wants is irrelevant in this type of relationship.
3) There is a lot of anxiety about the relationship
Codependent people live in constant fear of being separated, excluded, or replaced.
They invest everything in the relationship, even though what translates into investing in the happiness of the other person.
However, this is never enough to make them feel safe.
This is because they suffer from low self-esteem and are compulsively concerned with taking care of the other person to keep them well so that they are not rejected or abandoned.
4) The codependent feels guilty for thinking about themselves
Anytime a codependent person thinks about putting their needs or preferences first, they immediately feel guilty.
Why does this happen?
If you are codependent, you will give all of your time, attention, and emotions to your partner to keep them happy and tied down.
So if you think about doing something for yourself, like cooking something that only you two like or taking a day at the spa, you will immediately realize that this is not what you think you are supposed to do.
And what if your partner finds out that you are not putting them first?
They will probably get hurt, angry, or even want to leave you, right?
That is not a hallmark of a healthy relationship.
5) There is a fear of speaking up and expressing desires and preferences
When one partner is in a codependent relationship, they put their self-expression in the back seat and let the other person do the talking.
The codependent will ask, “What do you want to eat?” or “What did you think of that movie?” and listen to the answer.
RELATED:Recognizing a Passive-Aggressive Narcissist
But he wouldn’t dream of telling his partner what he wants or thinks.
A relationship between two mutual people can become completely inactive, where neither partner dares to make decisions or express themselves.
6) The relationship is obsessive
Whether it’s from one or both partners, there may be an obsessive quality to the relationship that is a red flag that you are mutual with your partner.
Do you think or even worry about your relationship all the time?
Do you rush home to be with the other person out of neediness rather than happiness and love?
Do you feel that this person would be helpless without you?
These characteristics express a relationship built on neediness and dependence rather than love, support, and respect.
7) One partner feels compelled to provide for the other
Codependents actively try to create a state of dependency in their partners, who may or may not be codependent.
They say things like, “You’d be lost without me,” and that’s how they want their partner to feel.
This is because they have a deep desire to feel needed.
They end up in relationships that feel like projects and base their self-esteem on their ability to provide for or support their partners.
8) Contempt or hatred defines the relationship
For most people, feeling that you and your partner hate each other would be a clear sign that the relationship needs to end.
But codependents aren’t (necessarily) looking to be loved.
They’re looking to be wanted.
Strangely enough, staying with someone you don’t love makes you feel needed even more.
9) There is drug use or addiction in the relationship
According to the nonprofit Mental Health America, codependent relationships are often formed around addiction.
While one partner in the relationship is struggling with an addictive behavior such as alcoholism or drug abuse, the other codependent partner pretends nothing is happening.
They don’t acknowledge the problem and instead cover for their partner, despite all the negative consequences that may occur.
They keep their feelings and needs inside themselves and just stand by and watch as the other person tears things apart.
10) The partner stays in the relationship, even when they are suffering abuse
One of the most serious symptoms of a codependent relationship is suffering abuse.
Codependent partners will sometimes put up with anything from public shaming and humiliation to physical and sexual abuse just to stay in the relationship.
This is often a learned behavior, and many codependents have watched their parents or other caregivers go through the same thing.
But if you are being abused in a relationship, even if you think it’s not that serious, it’s a sign of a very unhealthy relationship and you should get out of it as soon as possible.
11) One partner ignores their morals
You know those gangster movies where the kind, caring wife turns a blind eye to her husband’s illegal and violent activities?
This is a very dramatic example, but it comes from the reality of codependent relationships.
Once again, we see one partner ignoring a part of themselves to please the other.
This time, it’s the partner’s conscience that is quickly thrown out if they interfere with what their partner is doing.
12) Neither partner in the relationship can say no
This behavior is most common in relationships where one partner is a user.
This is simply because they are looking for partners they can use, and someone who won’t say no is the ideal person.
But this behavior can be found in any codependent relationship.
Codependent people don’t want to be negative or reject their partners.
They want the exact opposite—for their partners to be happy with them and to need them.
13) One Person’s Mood Always Mirrors Another Person’s Mood
The last of the 13 behaviors that show you’re codependent is adopting the other person’s mood.
Codependent people want to feel needed but also connected to their partner, and one way to do this is to mirror their feelings.
So when their partner is angry, they’re angry too. And if their partner is sad, they’ll walk around with them, ignoring their feelings.
Recognize Your Codependency
Do these behaviors define you and your relationship? If so, you may be codependent.
But there are ways to break out of codependency, and the first step is to recognize it in yourself so you can make a concerted effort to move past it and create more stable relationships.
