Look, sometimes you’re the problem. Let’s leave that statement here and think about it for a minute.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing myself from being needy and jealous in my platonic and romantic relationships, but I’d like to think I’m a lot better at handling it now.
Because it is, it was me. More often than not, it was me. Some of my jealousy was justified, sure, but I was treading a dangerous line down the line of dependency on these people.
I was the problem. I was toxic.
Does this sound familiar? Something is awakening in your heart right now. And it feels like a rock on your chest, doesn’t it?
It’s like you’re always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your past is hurting you and rearing its ugly head as hypervigilance.
Let’s talk about it.
If you no longer want to feel needy and jealous in your relationships, say goodbye to these 10 behaviors.
1) Accusing Your Partner Without Evidence
If you want to build trust in your relationship, and reduce neediness and jealousy, make an effort not to baselessly accuse your partner.
Let me ask you this: if you were suddenly accused of infidelity without any evidence, would you feel relieved?
I would hate it.
They say that there is nothing to fear if your conscience is clear, and while that is true, it does not erase the fact that it is not good to be falsely accused.
Especially if it happens over and over again.
There is a limited amount of energy you can put into trying to prove your innocence if the other person is already convinced of your wrongdoing.
It is sometimes difficult to be objective when it comes to love, but we have to make an effort to do so. We cannot cry about infidelity without reason or logic.
Eventually, even those with a clear conscience will get tired of it.
(And to be clear, if some signs and clues point to infidelity, that’s a whole different conversation. This isn’t the article.)
2) Expect Your Partner to Constantly Deal with Your Insecurities
If you want to reduce your neediness and envy, know that your partner is not your emotional rehab. Your partner is not your therapist, either.
Eventually, innocent people will get tired of dealing with that.
No matter how much someone loves you, you don’t have the right to hurt them. You don’t have the right to project your insecurities onto them.
People can love you, but they can’t fix you.
3) Constantly checking your partner’s social media accounts for “evidence”
Obsessively looking at who they follow online, who follows them, what posts they like, what they post, who they’re friends with, etc.
This is a divisive topic, right?
But hear me out: It’s not bad to look at your partner’s social media presence, but it’s disturbing to do so to find fault.
It’s disturbing when you don’t trust them enough to let them do it.
While I know that there are nuances to relationships and it’s rarely black and white, I still want to ask this:
If you don’t trust your partner, and if you’re miserable in the relationship, why are you still in it?
4) Spying on Your Partner’s Phone
Similar to the above. Spying on Your Partner’s Phone. Is it OK or not?
I know we’re going to be divided on this, some people will find it acceptable, some won’t.
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Some people might feel defensive about this, and that’s been mentioned too. You might think, “I’m okay with my partner looking at my phone.”
And that’s great! But look, there’s a crucial point, you’re okay with it. Would your partner be okay with it too?
Without consent, it’s a violation of privacy. If you want to build trust, respect their privacy.
5) Seeing Everyone as a Threat to Your Relationship
Look, everyone is busy trying to focus on their own lives, and no one is paying attention to your relationship (unless you’re famous).
Of course, I wouldn’t discount the idea that some people might have their eyes on your partner; but living in constant hostility because of people’s ability to destroy your relationship is extremely exhausting.
I’m not saying this to lower your guard when your instincts tell you to pay attention, but when can you enjoy your relationship if you’re spending all your energy worrying about other people?
6) Not Having a Life Outside of Your Relationship
Wanting to be with your partner every moment of your life is very unhealthy. That’s what I said.
I see that I don’t mind making your relationship a priority, but my problem is when it becomes the person’s sole identity.
It becomes worrisome when the relationship stops being an additional enrichment in your life and instead becomes the sole supporting force.
What if it ends? What happens next?
If you want to stop being needy and jealous, expand your focus. If your only focus is on your partner, you will be overly focused on everything they do.
Get out, meet your friends, get a new hobby, and shift your attention to activities other than your relationship.
7) Picking fights to get their attention
Picking up fights to get your partner’s attention is at the bottom of the list of things you can do to get their attention.
It’s toxic and unhealthy.
And is this kind of attention helpful? Is this kind of attention enough?
It can become a vicious cycle if you find pleasure in getting attention in any way possible. It can escalate into more egregious behavior just to get a reaction.
Is this still love or just a needy act?
8) Ignoring Your Partner’s Boundaries
Do you know your partner’s boundaries? Do you know yours? Let’s start with this.
Although it’s wise to mention that sometimes, people won’t know their boundaries until they’ve been crossed. That’s why it’s important to constantly check in with each other.
You can’t just push and shove people’s bottom lines and expect them not to get upset.
Respect is the bottom line in a relationship, practice it often.
9) Emotionally Manipulating Your Partner to Get What You Want
“If you love me, you should…” is a manipulative line. It’s coercive and verges on an ultimatum without being direct.
It’s a veiled threat presented as romance. If you want to build trust in your relationship, avoid resorting to emotional manipulation.
Emotional manipulation? Love bombing? The silent treatment? Guilt? Playing the victim?
Emotional manipulation is where love, trust, and respect die.
10) Not Identifying the Root Cause of Your Jealousy
Finally, you need to identify the root cause of your jealousy.
It’s just a temporary fix if you’ve tried repeatedly to stop doing this or that to reduce your neediness and jealousy without identifying the root cause.
What triggers your jealousy?
Is it something your partner does? Is it the way a certain action or reaction makes you feel? Does it remind you of someone else?
Reflect. Figure out what triggers you, and then decide if it’s something you’re ready to recover from.
Because of this? This is important. Unless you’re ready to recover, no one can force you to.
It’s up to you to be objective about your actions. It’s up to you if you want to seek help.
It’s up to you to move forward.
And if you need to hear this,
Choosing to work on yourself is admirable. You may have finally noticed unhealthy patterns in your relationships, but remember to be patient with yourself.
Neediness and jealousy in a relationship may be a result of past infidelity, or it may be because you’re cautious.
And that’s true.
However, also remind yourself that you deserve a healthy relationship. You deserve the kind of love that won’t feel like it’s going to be taken away from you at any moment.
You deserve love, trust, and respect in your relationship. You deserve a partner who encourages those feelings, too.
I hope your choice to break the patterns is fruitful. I hope you accept that you’re bigger than your insecurities and that your jealousy doesn’t define you or the way you love.
Letting go of toxic behaviors is harder than learning to do it, but even wanting to do it is a good first step.
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