Look, relationships are hard, and none of us are perfect. We’ve all been guilty of being less than kind to our partner at one time or another, that’s just life.

But sometimes the occasional comment or rude comment is more than just a bad moment — they’re signs that you’re a toxic partner.

Besides physical abuse, some red flags in relationships may be overlooked as common ways of coping. This is a mistake. Respected relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified four additional categories of toxic behavior in relationships: constant criticism, regular defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

These behaviors are so destructive to relationships that Gottman refers to them as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Within these categories, there are a lot of hidden habits that can be toxic, according to two relationship experts we spoke to. But the good news is that there are plenty of ways to overcome bad behaviors and make the relationship stronger. (The exception is when there is violence. Experts agree that this is almost always a reason to end the relationship and seek help from a licensed therapist.)

If you do these 6 things, you are the toxic person in your relationship:

Never accept blame.

If you find yourself struggling time and time again with different partners, the harsh truth is that the problem may be the common denominator: you. “If you tend to blame your partner for all of your relationship problems, you’re probably ignoring your role in the problem,” says marriage and family counselor Jessica Wade, who explains that it’s essential to accept responsibility.

You say things you don’t mean.

Words spoken in anger cannot be truly taken back. Marriage and family counselor Lisa Bahar explains phrases like “You’re crazy” or “What’s wrong with you?” It leads to invalidating environments. In these cases, the root of the problem is often the impulsivity to react.

“Check the facts about what you’re interacting with rather than assuming you know what’s going on,” Bahar says, adding that it helps to learn “healthy affirmation skills” rather than resorting to passive aggression.

It’s “my way or the highway.”

Another common behavior that can affect a relationship is refusing to accept influence from your partner. More than just simple stubbornness, Wade explains that this can be harmful if your partner doesn’t think their opinions are valued. Fortunately, she says this can be overcome by committing to listening to your partner.

You are dependent on the relationship.

Contributing toxicity to a relationship is not only about how you treat your partner but also how you treat yourself. If you’re relying on the relationship to feel fulfilled, “that’s a sign that something underlying needs to be addressed,” Wade explains.

She says this may culminate in threats of self-harm. “If you’ve ever said or even thought, ‘If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,’ or something similar, it’s time to take a break from the relationship and get help now.”

You intentionally punish your partner.

Although it may seem harmless, Wade warns that silent treatment or withholding sex for small transgressions are signs of manipulation. Sure, you may feel like you’re just trying to send a message, but there’s a better way to express your frustrations.

Take, for example, the milk your partner can’t seem to remember from the store: Instead of frowning, Wade suggests calmly explaining to your spouse why dinner is late and will require you to make a return trip to the store. She points out that “scolding, yelling and punishment are rarely effective with children, so skip that in your relationship as well.”

You slap “harmlessly” during an argument.

In a 2010 study, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defined physical violence as “slapping, pushing, or shoving.” Given these criteria, more than five million men reported being victimized by their partners in the previous year.

With such a fine line between this kind of non-marking spanking and something more serious, this is simply unacceptable. What’s more, Baher explains that “harmless smacking” is a symptom of an inability to express your feelings appropriately — which means it’s best to step back from the relationship and seek help from a professional counselor.

In the presence of these behaviors, the key is to first accept that there is a problem. This will give the relationship a better chance of success – and give you a better set of coping skills moving forward.

“What I’ve seen is that most people don’t always realize that their behavior is harmful,” she says. “Once they understand the impact on the relationship, they can and usually want to make a change.”

If you do these 6 things, you are the toxic person in your relationship:

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