Your feet have been swept with compliments, lavish dinners and lavish gifts – you think you’ve found a McDreamy. When you describe the surreal time you spend with your friends, it sounds like you’re talking about a movie.
However, as you continue dating, you start to notice that it’s really all about him. He constantly talks about himself, prioritizes his needs over yours, is overly sensitive to any form of criticism – and is obsessed with status (fancy dinner dates at exclusive restaurants are starting to make sense).
Related: What REALLY Causes People To Become Narcissists
You find that emotional intimacy is impossible, your relationship begins to fade, and you realize that it has happened again.
Only 7.7% of men have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but you may have dated one, or maybe even several, because they often flock to a certain type of woman. If you often date men who care deeply about you, you may have noticed a pattern. After the intense courtship is over, he’s quick to criticize and belittle you if you express any kind of resistance to his need to put himself first.
As a therapist, I have seen this seriously damage women’s self-esteem and well-being. Over time, I noticed that narcissists look for certain traits in potential romantic partners. So I spoke with other experts in my field to discuss trends and discovered that there are five common traits a narcissist looks for in a woman.
Do any of these sound like you?
1. You are outwardly successful but perhaps a little insecure.
It may be hard to admit it, but if you feel insecure about yourself even if you are attractive, put-together, and successful, you may be advertising yourself as a perfect fit for the narcissist. “Narcissists tend to look for people who will fill a mold of what they think will make them look good,” says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed Gottman marriage therapist and family therapist. “In essence, [the narcissist’s] partner may be viewed as an accessory,” she explains. A narcissistic man is attracted to a woman who looks beautiful and accomplished, not because he likes that person, but because her appearance and accomplishments feed his ego.
However, the narcissist also wants a woman who is not too confident because he wants to run the show. So, if he senses your insecurities, he will be more attracted to you because you are less likely to threaten his success, whether real or perceived. While it may be uncomfortable to admit your insecurities, owning them and making a plan to increase your self-confidence can help. When the narcissist senses your strong sense of trust, he will back off.
Related: I Gained Trauma Weight From A Narcissistic Ex
2. You are a people-pleaser (and you can’t help it).
Of course, we all want the person we’re dating to be happy, but if that comes at the expense of your health, it’s unhealthy. The narcissist is looking for someone who will give him constant attention and emotional validation at all costs. Psychotherapist and author Karen Koenig says individuals who attract narcissists often “don’t have a strong sense of who they are and what they want because they don’t think it’s okay to take care of their own needs.”
A narcissist is someone who monopolizes a relationship and never compromises. He’s just demanding. Setting boundaries so that your needs are acknowledged and met in the relationship can help prevent you from digging too deep and possibly falling into a trap.
3. You avoid conflict like the plague.
While few people are actually fans of conflict, if you avoid conflict at all costs, you may make yourself more attractive to a narcissist. Patti Wood, a body language expert and author, says narcissists tend to choose someone who is “low in the ability to avoid harm and high in the ability to cooperate.” If you tend to give in easily to the desires or demands of others at work or business. In your personal life in order to avoid conflict, you may fit the ideal profile of a potential partner for a narcissist.
If you often put your own needs and opinions aside in order to avoid conflict in the relationship, you will easily fall prey to the narcissist who thrives when others provide the compassion and attention they crave. Yes, it is important to be willing to compromise in a relationship, but being a doormat does not mean compromising.
