Have you ever thought you had a strong friendship, only to realize that its foundation was shaky at best?

I’ve been there – invested time, love, and trust, only to discover that the person I thought was my “true friend” actually wasn’t.

And you know what? I’m sorry to admit it, but I’ve also been that less-than-stellar friend before, too.

So, I’m speaking from both sides when I say that true friendship is a two-way street.

Through both types of experiences, I learned some hard lessons about what true friendship doesn’t look like.

Today, I want to share them with you so you can avoid the heartache I went through. Let’s dig deeper.

1) They only exist during the good times
You know the drill: your phone rings, and it’s the “friend” calling you. But instead of asking how you’re doing, they usually need a favor, some advice, or a sympathetic ear.

In the beginning, it’s good to be needed, to be the person someone else turns to. You give your time, your energy, and even your resources, believing that this is what friendship is about – helping each other.

But over time, I noticed a pattern. When you need them, they’re suddenly busy, unavailable, or uninterested. Your texts will go unanswered, and your calls will go to voicemail.

I’ve been in these one-sided friendships, and I’ll admit that sometimes I’ve been that friend who takes more than she gives. I certainly wasn’t doing it on purpose, but I wasn’t mature enough to step back and realize what being a real friend meant.

If you find yourself in a friendship where you’re always the giver and they’re always the taker, it might be a good idea to step back, so they can learn that lesson too.

2) They look for the worst-case scenario in your goals
Dreams are fragile things, and there’s nothing more frustrating than sharing your goals with a friend, only for them to start listing all the ways things could go wrong.

Instead of encouragement or constructive advice, they seem to focus their attention on disaster scenarios, casting doubt on your ambitions.

Imagine this: You’ve just shared your dream of starting your own business, and instead of enthusiasm or support, they say: “Do you know how many startups fail within the first year?” Or “This seems incredibly risky; are you sure you’ve thought about this?”

I understand that, they may think they are being “realistic” or “pragmatic”, but there is a fine line between caution and pessimism.

This type of behavior often makes you feel frustrated, doubt yourself, and perhaps reluctant to share any future plans with them.

If your friend is always highlighting potential risks, it may be an indication that he or she is not truly invested in your happiness and success.

A true friend will certainly offer caution when needed, but they will also be your biggest cheerleader, helping you overcome obstacles rather than highlighting them as reasons not to try at all.

3) They would love to help you (but there’s a problem)

It’s a heart-warming feeling when a friend is always there to lend a helping hand or offer advice.

But unfortunately, this doesn’t always come from a genuine desire to lift you up, but rather from assuring them that they have the upper hand.

You see, there’s a type of friendship where one person is always the helper, advisor, or hero – because it puts him or her in a position of authority.

Imagine you are struggling financially, and this friend is always ready to bail you out. On the surface, it’s a generous act.

But look closely, and you’ll start to notice that they never encourage you to be financially independent. It’s as if they want you to remain dependent on them, which reinforces their role as “savior.”

I was proud of how much I helped my friends, but then I realized I felt hurt when they didn’t want to help me — and when I saw them succeeding more than me, I felt a little bummed.

Not that I wanted to see them suffer, and I would never do anything to sabotage their efforts. But I certainly could have been a better friend if I had stopped wanting to be the helper.

Now, I make sure to develop a genuine desire to lift others up before I offer any help – and give them the space to deal with their own problems unless they ask for it.

4) They don’t follow up
We all know that actions speak louder than words, right? Well, the classic sign of a friendship that is more mirage than substance is a lack of follow through.

Your friend might say all the right things: “Let’s hang out soon!” Or “I will definitely help you with this project!” But when the time comes, these turn out to be just empty words.

At first, it’s easy to make excuses for them. “They’re just busy” or “Something must have come up.”

But over time, this pattern becomes difficult to ignore. Promises are made and then broken repeatedly, leaving you hanging again and again.

This happened to me with someone I thought was a friend. I told her about the difficulties I was having at work, and she said she knew of a program that could make it much easier.

I told her I had tried these types of solutions but they didn’t work, and she insisted that I send her my work so she could take a look at it.

Well, I haven’t received any response to this email. Obviously this wasn’t the reason the friendship ended – but looking back, I can identify many similar examples that should have been red flags that she wasn’t really there for me.

5) They don’t tell you when they’re upset

This may seem strange, because you might think that a good friendship is one that remains positive and has no conflict.

But a true friend is one who will always be honest and frank with you if you upset him. I have a great personal example to illustrate why.

Remember the friend who wanted to help me facilitate work, but never followed through? Well, that’s why the friendship ended.

It turns out that while hanging out with my partner, he made a comment that made her think I had spilled an intimate secret of hers to him.

But that wasn’t true, he just happened to say something that hit the mark, without realizing it.

“What a coincidence” I thought and then promptly forgot about it – but not my friend. I sat on it, cooking, for six months, while it still behaved as nicely as before.

Then one day, she exploded and accused me of gossiping about all her personal stuff to everyone around me.

I honestly felt betrayed. Not only did she accuse me of something untrue, she was also dishonest in her friendship with me for half a year – and when she finally raised the issue, a lot of time had passed to clear the air.

A true friend will not let you think that everything is fine while preparing for an attack, but will communicate with you honestly and have the conversations necessary to keep the relationship healthy.

6) They don’t apologize or take responsibility
There’s nothing more draining than being friends with someone who can’t admit their mistakes.

If we look at the friendship I mentioned above, I can now identify a big red flag that occurred shortly before the “breakup.”

She and I had planned to go dancing together, and meet at the club where there would be a few other people we knew.

But she never showed up, so I got worried and texted her to ask if everything was okay. I saw that she was online almost constantly, but I only received a very indifferent response from her a couple of days later, when I asked her how the party was going.

I told her I was upset because she ignored my message for two days, and she couldn’t even send an SMS that she wasn’t coming, or at least reply and say she was fine.

But instead of apologizing, she responded with a bunch of irrelevant counter-arguments.

What hurt me the most was that she didn’t even try to sympathize with me, or try to understand why I was upset – she was just focused on blaming me.

And honestly, things like this are why I don’t miss friendship so much — because I deeply value good communication, and I know I deserve a friend who is capable of that.

The courage to abandon fake friends

Recognizing the signs of a fake friendship can be a heartbreaking experience, but it’s also an empowering one.

You are taking the first step towards freeing yourself from emotional burden and making room for real relationships that truly enrich your life.

Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes; We are all human and constantly learning.

What matters most is that you prioritize your emotional health and take steps to be a better friend, not only to others, but to yourself as well.

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away from a friendship that’s holding you back and never look back. Your future self will thank you.