There’s a manipulator in all of us.
I know this surprised me too.
But here’s the explanation from forensic psychologist Dr. Julia Shaw:
Not all manipulators have bad intentions. In some social situations, people do things to suit their needs. But Dr. Shaw said they can do it without hurting anyone else.
While I can kind of understand where she’s coming from, here’s my take on it:
I don’t take this to mean we should be okay with manipulation.
I’d take it as a warning to watch out for signs of manipulation so we can avoid falling victim to the harmful signs.
That said, here’s a rundown of 13 behaviors that people typically exhibit when they’re trying to manipulate you:
1) They intentionally exclude you
Have you seen the movie Mean Girls?
If you haven’t, just think of the stereotypical “popular” clique in high school.
You know, the one you see all the time in movies. That circle that everyone wants to join, but only a few lucky ones get chosen.
There always seems to be one person left out of this group. Someone is always willing to do everything and anything people ask of them. This person does this just so they can finally join the group.
Don’t be that person.
If someone is making you “earn” your way into their company, walk away from this manipulative trap!
2) Isolating You
There’s a deliberate exclusion to keep you out, and then there’s isolation.
You know someone is trying to manipulate you if they constantly make you doubt your family and friends. They’ll keep doing this until you eventually come to believe that your loved ones aren’t good for you.
But they don’t stop there.
They can even go as far as physically moving you away to isolate you from your social circle.
They will do their best to cut as many people out of your life as possible.
Manipulators want you to have no one else to cling to. Because only then will you be in their grip.
3) They Play on Your Weaknesses
What if I told you that manipulators disguise criticism as jokes so they can play on your weaknesses and trample on your self-esteem?
It’s insidious and effective.
I mean, think about it:
Because it’s supposed to be a “joke,” it’s easy for them to say “I was just kidding” when you or someone else attacks them.
In addition, society expects us to laugh at jokes, so sometimes, to avoid being labeled “annoying,” we tend to just laugh it off, and our bad feelings are ignored.
They can make it as lighthearted and funny as possible, but beware of these demeaning “jokes.”
This could be someone’s way of playing on your self-worth to increase their dominance in the relationship.
4) They Prey on Your Weakness
If playing on your insecurities wasn’t enough, manipulators also use your weakness to their advantage.
For example, if you’re someone who doesn’t normally say “no,” you may see your colleagues always trying to delegate tasks to you.
Or you may have friends and family members who always ask you for last-minute favors even when they know it’s inconvenient.
RELATED:10 warning signs a narcissist is trying to emotionally blackmail you
See a pattern here? They’re preying on your vulnerability—your inability to say no.
Remember, it’s okay to say no, especially when it means prioritizing yourself and your well-being.
5) They Often Offer Indirect Compliments
Aside from losing control, there are two things manipulators hate:
Confrontation and taking responsibility.
To escape conflict and avoid taking responsibility for their actions, they become passive-aggressive.
They often do this through indirect compliments.
They cover their insults with compliments to hide the malice behind their intentions.
It’s like giving you poison wrapped in expensive silk—pretty on the outside but deadly on the inside.
Their compliments sound like this:
“You’re so smart for someone who didn’t finish high school.”
See how one “compliment” can make you feel proud but doubt yourself and your accomplishments at the same time?
6) They’re Going All Out
Here’s the thing:
Exaggerated gifts and gestures may be some people’s love language. And that’s admirable.
But that translates differently to the language of manipulators. To them, love bombing is like handing out IOUs. They want you to feel like you owe them in some way to the point where you avoid confronting them or seeing them in a bad light because of all the “good” they’ve done.
7) They’re Guilty of Your Kind Heart
Guilt is part of what makes us human. Unfortunately, our kindness is also part of our nature.
No one knows this better than manipulators. That’s why they’re the best at exploiting it to their advantage.
They love to use your guilt to indirectly get you to do something for them.
And if that doesn’t work, they abuse your kindness instead.
How, you ask?
They’ll make you feel sorry for them so they can get all your sympathy.
Or they’ll blame someone else, making it seem like they’re the victim, even if they’re the bad guy.
It’s okay to be kind, but don’t forget to be vigilant, too!
Don’t let a manipulator’s story fool you.
8) They love you—only if…
They could be your partner, family, friends, or colleagues, but if there’s a condition attached to their love or interest, be skeptical.
Manipulators are good at creating an unhealthy environment where you always feel like you have to win their affection or approval.
9) They Tell Half-Truths or Complete Lies
Some pathological liars lie out of habit. But some manipulators don’t lie out of habit, but out of selfishness.
They twist the truth because they either:
So be sure to trust your gut and do some detective work yourself to uncover the real story.
And don’t forget to set boundaries. You might be surprised to find that telling people that you value honesty deters some from manipulating you.
10) They Make You Question Your Reality
The term “manipulation” has become popular recently.
But the act itself has been around for years.
It’s when someone makes you think you’re “making things up” or that you’re “just seeing things.”
What they want is for you to lose confidence in your judgment. And once that happens, they hope you’ll turn to them for guidance.
So here’s a mantra to avoid falling for manipulation tactics:
Stick to the truth, and don’t let anyone mess with it.
11) They create life-or-death situations
The funny irony:
Manipulators minimize your concerns but exaggerate their drama.
What do they hope to achieve with this?
They want you to drop everything so you can care about them instead.
However, consider this:
When their stories sound like they’re straight out of a TV series, it’s not about the drama, it’s about getting you to shift your focus and energy to them.
12) They complain nonstop
Manipulators use constant complaining as a tool to wear you down until you eventually give in to their whims.
They’re like little kids who keep repeating the phrase “um… judgment + instinct. All. The. Time.
Let’s recap what we already know so far:
- We all can manipulate in some way (at least according to the experts).
- Number 1 doesn’t mean we should take advantage of others.
Let’s add a third idea to finish it off:
- We’re also born with intuition and judgment.
Combining these two skills is your perfect weapon against a manipulator because it keeps you ahead of their game.
Your instincts and good judgment work together to help you spot their tricks before they even have a chance to trap you.
