Covert narcissists are also narcissists, but they don’t show it clearly.
An overt narcissist may demand your attention, while a covert narcissist plays a game that tricks you into giving it to him — often by making you feel sorry for him or dazzling you with his complexities.
You can spot an overt narcissist quite easily. But the secret narcissist lurks in the shadows.
This is exactly what makes it difficult to realize that you have fallen into their trap.
I think you have?
Well, the person you think is a covert narcissist probably is if…
1) They always claim that they are being bullied or unfairly targeted, even though there is no evidence to support this
When someone claims they have been abused without evidence, it can be difficult to know whether they are telling the truth.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in calling victims liars.
Every complaint deserves to be heard.
But if someone is constantly being the target, it’s natural to wonder if they too are wrong.
The truth is that the covert narcissist likes to play the victim. This is one of the ways they manipulate people.
They may mention how they are targeted at work or how a loved one always finds a way to make them look bad.
Not only do they get sympathy and attention by doing this, but it also feeds their need for validation.
Another reason is to avoid responsibility for their contribution to the situation.
At first, you may feel very sorry for them. But over time, as these statements continue without clear justification, you may begin to doubt, mistrust, or even feel emotionally drained when you start making them again.
I knew someone who did this. No matter how much I wanted to believe them, I reached a point where I couldn’t believe them anymore.
Do you want to know what’s funny?
When I started confronting them about the alleged abuse and asked them why they continued to go out of their way to help people who abused them or refused to take action against them, they made me a friend who didn’t support me.
After months of listening and showing compassion!
After that, our relationship took a huge hit.
Because my friend also did what covert narcissists usually do when things don’t go their way:
2) They respond with the silent treatment – for days or weeks.
The silent treatment is a hallmark of the passive-aggressive tactic covert narcissists use to punish or control.
When they are criticized or when things do not go as planned, they usually withdraw completely and refuse to talk to the person who upset them.
This could last a few days, or even a few weeks!
For them, it’s not just about avoiding confrontation. It is a calculated move aimed at gaining power and control over the emotional state of the relationship.
It usually works.
Mostly, the other person wants resolution and emotional connection.
So, instead of feeling hurt or confused, they think they are guilty. Then they apologize, even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
The worst part?
This reinforces the covert narcissists’ perceived superiority when they witness someone becoming unstable and eager to please them.
Silent treatment can be incredibly harmful to the person receiving it. They may constantly worry about saying or doing something that might trigger another period of silence.
Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and an unhealthy dependence on the approval and affection of the covert narcissist.
Sad thing.
3) They withdraw affection.
Besides giving you the silent treatment, a covert narcissist may stop offering you emotional support, hugging you, and doing things that he knows make you feel loved and cared for.
Sometimes, this will happen after you’ve had a falling out or done something that upset them, making you feel like you need to get around them.
Other times, it can happen suddenly and without any apparent reason, leaving you feeling confused and insecure.
You may be desperately trying to figure out what you did wrong or how to make things right.
This can lead to a one-sided dynamic where you are constantly searching for approval and affection, trying harder to please the narcissist until they are all for you again.
But the thing is, withdrawal allows the narcissist to remain in control. They do this to keep you off balance and easy to influence.
It also keeps the attention on them.
If you doubt your self-worth and the stability of a relationship when someone starts withdrawing for no apparent reason, you are likely a covert narcissist who is good at making you feel anxious.
4) They have been nurturing secret resentment for years, stirring it up unexpectedly to justify their sudden cold or hurtful behavior.
Instead of openly confronting problems, a covert narcissist may silently put them in the back of his mind, never expressing his feelings or giving you a chance to explain or apologize.
Then, almost suddenly, they bring up these old resentments to justify sudden shifts in their behavior, becoming cold, distant, or downright hurtful.
They can do the same thing even after they tell you how they feel and you apologize.
I used to date a guy who did this.
The problem is that we all sometimes do things in our relationship that hurt the other person.
But if we talk about it, I gave you time to process and decide if you want to forgive me and move on, and you say you did it and are doing it, then I expect that to be the truth.
However, the covert narcissist usually has a different plan.
They will pretend that everything is fine only to come back to you months or years later.
You might think this is crazy, but for them, it’s all about control.
By punishing you for what you did unexpectedly, they keep the upper hand and throw you off balance.
You will feel blind and confused.
And if the narcissist is good at being a narcissist, he or she will make you feel guilty again.
5) They are masters at giving backhanded compliments.
Feedback can be incredibly subtle. A covert narcissist can also sometimes hide anxiety or even constructive criticism, making it difficult for you to recognize them for who they are in the moment.
Example:
“You’re doing well in life for someone who didn’t finish high school.”
or
“I wish I had the confidence to wear an outfit like this!”
On the surface, these seem like compliments, but in reality, they are full of judgment.
Covert narcissists will use indirect compliments to undermine your self-confidence.
By framing their remarks as a compliment, they avoid accusations of rudeness.
It is a way to maintain control and keep others in a less trusting and more dependent position.
Indirect compliments can make you feel a little confused when you think about what they said.
