You’ve heard of the concept of gaslighting – someone who uses manipulation to make a person question their judgment or, in extreme cases, even their sanity.

This sounds very exciting, you might imagine someone doing something drastic to make it happen.

But in reality, it can be more common than you think, and you may not even realize someone is doing it.

I only really understood what that meant when I heard a podcast by a young woman and entrepreneur named Hillary, sharing her experience with the book publishing team that was highlighting it.

It’s important to be aware of the signs that someone is gaslighting you so you can protect yourself. So let’s take a look at this young woman’s experience and the six signs she learned from her.

1) Deny that they said something
Throughout the podcast episodes in which Hillary explains her experience with gaslighting, she keeps mentioning a pattern of behavior.

The book publishing team she was working with would often tell her one thing, then insist they said another.

She stated that at first she thought she might have misunderstood them – especially since they said it with such conviction.

But in a few cases, she had actually written down proof that they had told her something different before. So it became clear that what was actually happening was her being on fire.

When she realized this, she was shocked and extremely upset. She never thought the publisher could lie to her so blatantly, making her question her memory and ability to understand clear conversations.

But unfortunately, this is something that can happen even when you least expect it.

2) Giving false hope
Although many writers work on books for the love of writing, there is of course something they promise in return.

In Hillary’s case, the financial compensation was in addition to significant publicity once her book was published.

But the problem was that the publishing team would keep giving her false hope about when and how to expect these things.

They were dragging their feet and postponing the date even though the woman herself had met all of her deadlines, giving convoluted excuses as to why they couldn’t stick to the original plan.

Even the financial compensation changed as they kept finding more and more expenses that she was apparently responsible for paying.

Of course, unexpected things are expected to happen, and plans may change. But when it goes that far, it has crossed the line into gaslighting territory.

3) Use confusing language
For legal reasons as well as time constraints, Hilary was unable to share every detail of her interactions with the publishing team.

However, the one thing I mentioned was how they used confusing language to manipulate her.

They would intentionally use ambiguous language so they could later say they meant something else, and use meaningless arguments to explain mistakes or setbacks.

This began to raise doubts in her mind about what was right. She trusted and respected the publisher, so of course she assumed they knew what they were talking about, and thought their explanations must make sense, even if she didn’t fully understand them at the time.

But at the end of it all, it became blatantly clear that this was just another of their tactics to gaslight her.

If you feel like you don’t fully understand someone you’re dealing with in any way, this is a great warning to always take the time to speak up and ask for clarification.

4) Withholding affection or approval

You might be wondering, if the person gaslighting you is treating you so horribly, how come the person gaslighting doesn’t see that and cut ties?

Well, the reason is that part of the manipulation tactic is to make the victim dependent on the gaslighter.

Hilary also shares how her publishing team initially showered her with love and praise, practically begging her to work with them because they loved her and her work so much.

But then, throughout the collaboration, they would criticize her harshly and yell at her during calls.

And then there will be times when they cheat on her and not communicate with her at all.

Obviously, this creates a very confusing dynamic that makes the person yearn for the love and affection they once had.

5) Withholding information
Another sign that someone may be deceiving you is withholding information.

Again, Hilary couldn’t share every detail of her conversations with her book publisher, but it’s clear from her podcast episodes that her employer wasn’t very transparent with her.

They did not give her information about the delay that would have allowed her to take on other work commitments in the meantime, and they also did not give her any proper explanation when her editor was replaced by someone else several times.

Obviously it’s very difficult to have any kind of partnership with someone who does that, and it certainly doesn’t make both parties equal.

This is because one person is trying to maintain power over the other by obtaining information that the other person does not have.

This can be especially difficult to deal with because the gaslighter makes you feel left out of the question – but be consistent and make sure you get all the information you need.

6) Minimizing your feelings
This sign can be difficult to spot, because no one outright says “your feelings don’t matter” or “your thoughts aren’t right.”

However, this is the basic message someone is sending you when they gaslight you.

In Hillary’s case, she mentioned that her book’s publishing team once shouted, “Get over it!!!” her during a video call.

She was so shaken by this experience, she had to excuse herself to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes before she could return to the call and ask her last few questions.

Other examples of this are when someone suggests that you are too sensitive, irrational, or overreact when you express your feelings.

Either way, it’s clearly not a pleasant experience at all, and certainly not a sign of respect or equality in any context.

Protect yourself from anyone who attacks you

Now you know 6 major signs that someone might gaslight you.