You’ve heard of the concept of gaslighting – someone uses manipulation to make a person question their judgment or in extreme cases, even their sanity.
This sounds so dramatic, you might imagine someone doing something really drastic to make it happen.
But in reality, it can be more common than you think, and you may not even realize that someone is doing it.
I only really understood what that meant when I heard a podcast about a young woman and entrepreneur named Hillary, who shares her experience with the book publishing team gassing her.
It’s important to be aware of the signs that someone is picking on you so you can protect yourself. So let’s take a look at this young woman’s experience and 6 gaslighting signs I learned from her.
1) deny that they have said something
Throughout the podcast episodes where Hilary explains her experiences with gaslighting, she continues to mention a pattern of behavior.
Often the book publishing team she was working with would tell her one thing, then insist they said something else.
Remember, she thought at first that she might have misunderstood them – especially since they said it with such conviction.
But in a few cases, she had already written evidence that they had told her something different before. So it became apparent that what was happening was in fact being lit by a gas fire.
When I realized this, I was shocked and very upset. She would never have thought that a publisher could lie to her so blatantly, causing her to question her own memory and her ability to understand clear conversations.
But unfortunately, this is something that can happen even when you least expect it.
2) Giving false hope
Although many writers work on books for the love of writing, there are also, of course, what they are promised in return.
In Hillary’s case, it was the financial compensation in addition to the great publicity once her book was published.
But the problem was that the publishing team would continue to give her false hope about when and how to expect these things.
They would drag their feet and push the date back even though the woman herself had met all of the deadlines, giving elaborate excuses as to why they couldn’t stick to the original plan.
Even the financial compensation changed as they continued to find more and more expenses that they were apparently responsible for paying.
Of course, unexpected things are expected to come up, and plans may change. But when he goes that far, he’s crossed the line into gaslighting territory.
3) Use confusing language
For legal reasons and also time constraints, Hillary has not been able to share every detail of her interactions with the publishing team.
However, the only thing I mentioned was how confusing they used language to play around with.
They would use vague language on purpose so that later they could say they meant something else, and use nonsense arguments to explain mistakes or setbacks.
This started to put doubt in her mind as to what was right. I trusted and respected the publisher, so of course I assumed they knew what they were talking about, and I thought their explanations had to make sense, even if you didn’t quite get it at the time.
But at the end of it all, it became blatantly clear that this was just another of their tactics to make light of her.
4) Withholding affection or approval
You might be wondering, if the person gaslighting treats you horribly, how can the gaslighter not see that and cut ties?
Well, that’s because part of the manipulation tactic is to make the victim dependent on the invader.
Hilary also shares how her publishing team has been showering her with love and praise, practically begging her to work with them because they loved her and her work so much.
But then, throughout the entire period of cooperation, they were very critical of her and shouted at her during calls.
And then there would be times when they cheated on her and didn’t communicate at all.
This obviously creates a very confusing dynamic that makes a person long for the love and affection they once had.
5) Withhold information
Another sign that someone may be making light of you is if they withhold information.
Again, Hillary wasn’t able to share every detail of her conversations with her book’s publisher, but it’s clear from the podcast episodes that her employer wasn’t transparent with her.
They gave her no information about delays that would have allowed her to take on other work obligations in the meantime, and no proper explanation either when her editor had been replaced by someone else several times.
It’s obviously very difficult to have any kind of partnership with someone who does, and it certainly doesn’t set both parties up as equals.
It is because one person is trying to maintain his power over the other by having information that the other does not have.
This can be difficult to deal with because the gas tool makes you feel out of line when asking – but stand your ground and make sure you have all the information you need.
6) Play down your feelings
This sign can be hard to pin down, because no one outright says “your feelings don’t matter” or “your thoughts aren’t right.”
However, this is the primary message someone sends you when they make a profile out of you.
In Hillary’s case, she reported that her book’s publishing team once exclaimed “Get over it!!!” on it during a video call.
Shaken by the experience, she had to excuse herself from going to the bathroom and crying for a few minutes before she could return to the call and ask her her last few questions.
Another example is when someone suggests that you are overly sensitive, irrational, or overreacting when you express your feelings.
Either way, it’s clearly not a pleasant experience at all, and certainly not a sign of respect or equality in any context.
