My ex-husband was abusive: physically, sexually, and most of all emotionally. (Whoever came up with the phrase “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” clearly lacked any ability to harbor emotion.)

In short: my ex was an emotional psychopath, a total sociopath.

When we broke up after about 8 years of marriage, he left with a suitcase full of pieces of me: my pride, my self-worth, my hopes, and my dreams. He did not take these things into his own hands; He took them using his words.

But that’s the insidious thing about emotional psychopaths and sociopaths: They’re too good not to act that way — so good that it’s often difficult to spot the signs that you’re being emotionally abused.
What is a sociopath?

According to the Mayo Clinic, sociopathy — sometimes referred to as antisocial personality disorder — is defined as:

“…a mental disorder in which a person shows no regard for right and wrong and disregards the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate, or treat others with cruelty or callous indifference. They show no feelings of guilt or remorse for their behavior.”

Related: 5 Tiny Signs Your Man Is Way Too Critical Of You

What is the difference between being a sociopath and a psychopath?

This question has been around forever and has sparked many discussions about many famous serial killers such as Ted Bundy and the case study of Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer.

WebMD puts it this way: Sociopaths are very much like a “hot head” — that is, they don’t think about how their actions affect others around them. A psychopath is someone who is “cold-hearted” – that is, he is calculated in his plots and manipulates the people around him to get what he wants.

“The main difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is whether he has a conscience, or whether the little voice inside him tells us when we’re doing something wrong… A sociopath usually has a conscience, but it’s weak. He may know that ‘taking your money is wrong,’ and he may feel “Some guilt or remorse, but that won’t stop his behavior,” says Michael A. Tompkins, a clinical psychologist at the Mental Health Treatment Center of Sacramento County.

One common misconception is that a psychopath cannot feel emotions. This is partly untrue, although psychopaths are emotionally unstable most of the time.

Psychopaths lack emotions such as anxiety, fear, and sadness, but they can feel other emotions such as happiness, joy, surprise, disgust, and emotional pain just like the general population. And believe it or not, psychopaths can cry.

If you’re still confused between the two, you could look at narcissism or borderline personality disorder, especially since there’s a lot of crossover between narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy. These disorders have the same personality type, which is how the narcissistic psychopath was born.
How do you know if he is a psychopath?

Psychopathic disorders can be traced to “biochemical abnormalities, genetic and environmental influences, and psychosocial manifestations,” says Willem H. J. Martens in his article “Antisocial Personality Disorders and Psychopathy: Causes, Course, and Remission—A Review Article.” “.

Martens studied several people, including non-psychopaths, to find out exactly why psychopathic traits appear.

Some common signs include pathological lying, socially irresponsible behavior, ignoring or violating the rights of others, inability to distinguish between right and wrong, difficulty showing remorse or empathy, a tendency to lie a lot, manipulating and hurting others, and frequent problems with others. the law.

According to the practice of forensic psychiatry (the study of people in criminal cases to diagnose them if they have a mental disorder), “Psychopathy is a personality disorder characterized by lack of empathy, grandiosity, shallow effect, deceit, impulsivity, irresponsibility, and irritability.” Contempt for the welfare or rights of others.”

Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to spot a psychopath, especially in romantic partners because psychopaths show you what they want you to see. They hid suffering that they would not show to a single soul.

I hope you can learn from the clues I picked up (eventually). Even if he is not mentally ill, you should do what you can to escape safely.

Here are 7 signs of emotional abuse that are also red flags that the man you are in a relationship with may be a sociopath or a psychopath.

1. It makes you think that everything is your fault.

Emotional psychopaths are not always completely mean; Most of the time they are very charming and compassionate.

One minute you’re fighting, and the next minute he’s gently saying to you, “Baby, look. I don’t want to fight with you. I know you can’t help but ruin our evening and it’s hard for you to stop being so emotional all the time.”

See what he did there? Instead of focusing on the actual issue at hand, he made you feel as if the fighting was somehow your fault.

This is because emotional psychopaths have no accountability and it is never their fault. So pay attention to the way he says things.

2. It highlights you.

Gaslighting occurs when an abuser changes, distorts and fabricates information with the intent of making someone doubt their memory, perception, and reason. It is also a common tactic for emotional psychopaths. It’s one of the many mind games that psychopaths play.

I’ll never forget when I found out my husband was cheating on me because he accidentally left his email inbox open.

When I confronted him, instead of apologizing, he exploded and started screaming at me. “You misread it. I can’t believe you don’t trust me; it’s like you don’t trust me. I can’t believe I’m putting up with this! You’re ruining our marriage.”

After several days of constantly insisting that he wasn’t cheating on me, I found myself wondering if I had made it all up in my head.

When an emotional psychopath knows he has no excuse, he makes one up (and at the same time makes you feel like a delusional person).

Related: 7 Signs You Grew Up As An Overly Independent Child — And It’s Affecting You Now

3. He sees everything negative as your fault.

This point sounds similar to the first, but trust me when I say it’s different. In this case, we are talking about the tendency of an emotional psychopath to blame others for all the problems of their life.

Is he in bad shape at work? Well, it’s your fault for pushing him home.

In trouble with the law? Well, I made him so angry that he became angry and caused trouble.

Unhappy in your marriage? You are a terrible partner.

In short: everything bad that happens is because of you, you, you, and never because of them. They are perfect, and you are flawed. end of story.

4. It tears you apart.

Emotional psychopaths know that there is only so much they can do, so they exert control over their victims in an attempt to control their way of thinking. (Because if you could think for yourself, you might realize how much you deserve better.)

Psychopaths feel in control when they control you. So, if he can hammer into your head how ugly/useless/pathetic/stupid you are, you’ll start to believe it yourself and cling to it harder because you (incorrectly) believe that’s the best you can do.

Just when you think your self-worth is non-existent, emotional psychopaths can make you believe anything they want. And what you are allowed to believe only serves one person: him.

5. It isolates you.

It will discourage you and prevent you from seeing your friends because – gasp! – They may have two wits about them and convince you to leave him.

If he’s making a good effort to “fix” you, he can’t stand your friends ruining his hard work – not with their “bad” advice and misguided ways.

Your psychopathic partner will convince you that he doesn’t really “understand” how much he loves you and will try to convince you that you don’t need friends because he has you. This is also consistent with the antisocial behavior that most psychopaths display.

If he condemns you to social isolation, this is a big red flag that he is emotionally abusing you.

6. He gives you the silent treatment.

Psychopaths use the silent treatment as a way to gain power over someone or to create emotional distance.

So, if this type of “punishment” is used repeatedly, it has crossed the line into emotional abuse and needs to be addressed. The silent treatment can make you feel alone, or even abandoned, which can be harmful to your mental health.

7. Withholds attention.

After the “love bombing” phase, the psychopath will become distant.

He will seem bored with you and upset that you want to continue the fun relationship he started. It will make you feel like a chore, something you dread having to do.

This is emotional abuse because it makes you think that you are doing a routine job and that you do not need much attention. You may also start thinking that you are the selfish one instead of him.

The long-term effects of emotional abuse from a psychopath or sociopath are not good for you, and you should completely let it go. Nobody deserves that.