The narcissist’s cycle of idealization, devaluation, and disregard is a particularly insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse. It leaves the target feeling overwhelmed, abandoned, and worthless. Looking closely, we realize that this behavior has nothing to do with the goal, but rather with the narcissist’s distorted view of the world. To better understand the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and disregard, it is helpful to first understand the narcissist’s mind and history.
Why do narcissists glorify, devalue, and ignore?
To enhance their sense of superiority, the narcissist needs to recruit people. However, not everyone can qualify. This club is exclusive and has two conditions for entry:
Desire to make the narcissistic show.
proof of perfection.
For this reason, anyone the narcissist associates with must be useful and/or highly valued.
The bread and butter for the narcissist is having a harem of subjects and admirers in their psychological target group. If the target is willing to offer attention, validation, sex, resources, or services, the narcissist will idealize them as worthy subjects—as long as they remain loyal. Eventually, the narcissist may become bored with the target, or the target may fail to deliver on its initial promise. The target may resist too much, make demands, or worse, offend the narcissist. In other cases, the shortcomings of purpose burden the narcissist and force him to feel ashamed. In all of these cases, the narcissist quickly backs off and ignores the target.
Idealism, magic and devouring
Then there are the special ones. Those who possess beauty, strength, intelligence, stature, or skill to be truly perfect. The narcissist is instantly struck by such a “high-value” person, and looks to blend in completely. This makes sense when you view it through a narcissistic lens. If the person entering into a relationship with you is highly valued, you are also highly valued by the association.
By devouring others’ attention, resources, services, or prestige, the narcissist can heighten his sense of divinity. The narcissistic world is a one-person cult consisting of countless themes and deities. The narcissist either idolizes, or idolizes, others as a means of supporting their own greatness. The narcissist also idealizes people so that they feel safe enough to communicate. By imagining someone as unconditionally loyal or perfect, they can bond with someone who will never leave or disappoint them.
However, this corrupt religion is nothing but an illusion in the mind of the narcissist. The narcissist’s entire life is dedicated to nurturing their greatness. They use real people, abuse real resources, hurt real feelings, and cause real harm—all while isolating themselves from the inner reality, which is the self-hatred, shame, and anger they internalized in childhood.
Stuck in a Loop: Narcissistic Repetition Compulsion
In a “good enough” childhood, the child is deeply attached to its mother, creating a secure “home base” in her nurturing energy. The mother is generous in her accessibility and warmth, and allows the child to regulate her nervous system and sense of self through her. The mother sees the child, accepts him, and rejoices in his presence.
Eventually, the child’s curiosity gains strength, and they venture out into the world. When they start to feel insecure, they go back to their mother to regain that sense of safety. Over time, they move between freedom and nurture, and move back and forth as they transition into an independent and capable adult. This is known as the individuation process.
The original betrayal
And the wounded child did not have that luxury. They are not seen or accepted as they really are, and their mother is not pleased with their presence – unless they are performing according to her expectations. The child pushed and tried and co-operated to win his mother’s love, but it never came.
As the years passed, a sense of betrayal and anger boiled beneath the surface. The shame burned under their skin for being rejected over and over again. The agony of not seeing or accepting them became too much. The child was traumatized and psychologically separated from his mother. This chasm will last a lifetime. If no one sees the child for what he deserves, he will see himself. The narcissist is born.
The search for salvation
Trauma has a remarkable life cycle. When someone experiences a negative experience and is unable to process it, they are traumatized. Whether it is fear, shame, or guilt, the energy of feelings circulates within, lingering like a pressure cooker. Then the shock “energy” is released randomly and affects the person’s life.
Trauma is an experience that becomes stuck in purgatory. A person can only resolve the original trauma if he can establish that the next time a similar event occurs, he will be equipped to deal with it. For example, a child traumatized by a natural disaster might be encouraged to shake and run. By doing so, they take responsibility for the trauma they suffer, and can then resolve it. This means that powerlessness generates trauma, and power resolves it.
In the case of the narcissist, his trauma is based on his original relationship with his mother. To resolve this trauma, they need to restart the whole thing. So, they recruit people in an elaborate show, under the guise of a normal relationship.
Thus the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and disregard is impersonal. Many of the targets were shocked to discover this. They are recruited to re-create the past in the form of a dazzling fantasy.
Mechanisms of the Cycle of Idealization, Reduction, and Ignorance in Narcissists
The narcissist is in a vicious circle, always running away from his childhood trauma. Their only solution is to create a fantasy world, recruit people into it, and then idealize them.
Perfection is crucial, because if the person is “perfect”, the relationship has a high chance of success this time around. In childhood, the mother did not see or accept the narcissist as he is. But the “ideal” person will provide all this and more.
But the truth is never far away, no matter how deceived the narcissist is by himself and others. Behind his facade, the narcissist carries a paranoid ego that is always looking for betrayal. If the target deviates from its role in the narcissist’s imagination, the narcissist will take names. The targets may act impulsively or carelessly and upset the narcissist. They may abuse the narcissist, sometimes on purpose, as they grow impatient with the narcissist’s rigidity, perfectionism, and controlling nature. The target may cheat, or they too may carry wounds that compel them to harm the narcissist in horrible ways. In such cases, the narcissist receives an electric shock that causes his fantasy projection to flash, allowing reality to seep in.
When reality rears its head
In extreme cases, such as cheating and other forms of infidelity, the narcissist’s grandeur is irreparably damaged. They respond by deciding that the goal is no longer useful or ideal, but rather bad, or even repulsive. Beneath the narcissist’s fantasy realm lies paranoia, shame, and overwhelming anger.
When you betray or disappoint the narcissist enough, the toxic, deeply repressed traumatic waste seeps in and takes over. Instead of seeing this for what it is, the narcissist projects his pain and discomfort, directing it toward the target, the horrible or worthless person. The narcissist now and then decides to get rid of the target, which heralds the devaluation stage. From this point on, the narcissist lays the groundwork to rid himself of the other person.
During the devaluation stage, the narcissist will become cold and contemptuous, judging, criticizing, blocking, attacking, or mocking you at will. And because you are still caught in the fantasy, this stage of devaluation will come as a huge shock. You will feel distraught, humiliated, and stomach sick. In some cases, the narcissist may simply ghost you or walk away without another word.
By getting rid of his target, the narcissist gains his freedom again. In their separated and traumatized reality, this is to complete the original individuation process that they failed to do with their mother. In fact, they have implemented all this in fiction. Nothing fundamental has changed in the narcissist. They relive the past in their minds while pulling a real person out before spitting it out.
Do all narcissists idealize, devalue, and ignore?
When appropriate, the narcissist will always end the cycle with ignoring. However, external pressures such as marriage or finances can keep the narcissist in the relationship for much longer than they would prefer. In such cases, the devaluation phase will drag on for years, as the target struggles to keep the narcissist appeased while feeding them the narcissistic offer. This is where narcissistic abuse becomes truly soul-crushing.
If the narcissist’s life is closely tied to the target, he or she should slowly push the target away before getting rid of it. The target, now accustomed to the warmth of the narcissist’s unconditional positive gaze, panics and begins to question itself through the devaluation phase. To get back into the good graces of narcissism and return to the stage of idealism, they increase their attempts at appeasement. Their hope is to redeem themselves in the eyes of the narcissist, thus reinjecting the relationship with the original “ideal” drug.
For the target, hooking up with the person of your dreams at first sounds great. However, the core of the traumatized narcissist remains below the surface. The target forgets that over time, all drugs wear off, bad feelings resurface as cold, harsh reality asserts itself, and the narcissist’s true nature emerges when the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and disregard reaches its peak. The narcissist then moves on in search of the next person to repeat the drama with, subconsciously hoping that this time he will succeed in resolving the trauma and completing his individuality.
