As a twelve-step recovery coach, I have found that the diary I kept during the years I dated a narcissist (whom I sometimes happily refer to as the HAT) is an incredibly useful tool for coaching clients who are also in love with the narcissist/HAT.
If you often feel toxic shame in your relationship, you are probably falling in love with a toxic man.
Related: 7 behaviors that signal you’re dealing with an emotionally draining person, according to psychology
I present to you Exhibit A of the journal entry dated October 25, 1997:
“Last night, I got stuck in complete codependent relationship behavior. I realize I feel fear every time I break up with Quinn. Fear of when we’ll connect. Why?”
(Six months ago I caught him cheating on another woman, and it was an excellent “why” for my fears when we were apart. Getting back into the relationship destroyed my self-esteem and made me fight with my gut, maybe he could still go on cheating.)
“Also, I’m starting to understand why there are all these rules forbidding me from coming over without contacting me first. Instinctively, he must feel that I’ll be abusing my rights if these rules aren’t in order.
(No doubt Quinn had made these “rules” so he could see another woman. But I was afraid he would leave if I brought it up. So I felt ashamed of myself for being so suspicious and anxious.)
“Last night, I drove to our friend Frank’s house late, hoping that I could hook up with Quinn and make sure he didn’t meet some killer beautiful woman (like he did when he met me) and end up at some bar with her all the night.”
(Or her bed).
“So I got there around 10 pm and Quinn had already left to go home so he could stay with me. When I called him, he asked me why I went to Frank’s house. He caught me red-handed. I have to admit I was checking him out. I felt completely ashamed Of myself and I swore (again) not to check on him anymore. No wonder he is dragging his heels.”
(I blame myself for his inconsistent behavior in hopes that if I can mold myself into his perfect cookie shape, he’ll stop “procrastinating” in the relationship.)
“The shame I felt was so intense… It’s so terrible to see my vulnerability so blatantly exposed. Living with that fear is exhausting. I just want it to go away. Quinn has been so kind, and even when he pulled away this last time, he didn’t “There’s just a little bit of animosity.”
(I give him credit for being “nice” even as he continues to withdraw, be inconsistent, and act suspiciously about his need for privacy. Every time I act independently by “checking in” on him, I sink into toxic shame.)
I didn’t have a coach in my life at the time who could help me heal my toxic shame so I could advocate for a healthier, more loving relationship.
Toxic shyness is almost always learned in childhood. One or both of our parents neglected us, abused us, or made us feel that we were somehow wrong or that we should never express or even have negative emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear.
Related: 7 behaviors that signal you’re dealing with an emotionally draining person, according to psychology
To heal toxic shame we must heal the inner child who suffered the original pain. It is important when we act codependently that we try to identify the source of the original pain and shame.
In my case, I remembered an incident that happened when I was 8 years old.
My mother and stepfather were unhappily married; My mother’s response was to drink a lot of alcohol every night, often erupting into angry screams and even being violent toward my stepfather. She would sometimes disappear for periods, and because of the ups and downs in the house and my relationship with her, I was worried that she might be dead.
One day I came home after school to find that my mother was not home and had not left a message. At first, I didn’t worry, but as the hours passed and the night fell, with no word from her, I became increasingly certain that something terrible had happened.
In a panic, I went into the dark and from house to house to see if I could find my mother. I knock on the doors of neighbors I don’t even know. Finally, I found her drinking with the new neighbors in their basement.
When I burst into tears, my mother found it rather funny; She told me I was overreacting and being too sensitive. Then she sent me home saying she would be home soon.
It brought to light my fear and the sadness that followed, which taught me that it was not okay to have these feelings. I was wrong and foolish for feeling abandoned and fearful for my mother’s life.
These types of incidents happened throughout my childhood, so I had a frozen river of pain that I never processed as an adult. I never mourned those childhood wounds, which left me dependent on others in adulthood.
John Bradshaw, author of Coming Home: Reclaiming and Advocating for Your Inner Child, says:
“The work of grief is the legitimate suffering we were avoiding with our neuroses… If you are in active addiction (as I was with my toxic friend) you are out of control and out of touch with your true feelings.
“The work of grief is the legitimate suffering we were avoiding with our neuroses… If you are in active addiction (as I was with my toxic friend) you are out of control and out of touch with your true feelings.
By obsessing over things, one should not feel. To feel anything is to tap into the vast reservoir of frozen emotions associated with the toxic shame your wounded child feels.
Quite simply, our emotions are our primary strength. We have them to protect our basic needs. When one of our needs is threatened, our emotional energy sends us signals.
You have to be angry (scared, sad) if you want to heal your inner child… Feeling the feelings is crucial. You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”
Related: 8 Tiny Warning Signs That Scream ‘Do Not Marry Him!’
