Two summers ago, I was in a seven-year long relationship.

We had a house together. We had a mortgage together. We even had a cat together.

We have a whole future planned too.

But the thing is, neither of us was happy.

I went back and forth in my head about ending things, wondering if I deserved better, but I didn’t want to risk it and be alone again.

He did me a favor (no sarcasm!) and ended things abruptly one day.

I’ll be honest, I broke down.

But then I discovered some very shocking things about myself and my past – things I will never forget and which shaped the person I am today!

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Here’s my story about how ending a dead-end relationship changed my life forever.

Here’s everything I learned…

Heartbreak is one of the most painful things you will ever experience
First things first, let’s not underestimate the pain of heartbreak — especially as an adult when you think you’ve found the person you’re going to spend forever with.

Psychologist Jay Winch often talks about how the emotional pain caused by heartbreak activates the same response in the brain as physical pain.

Which means heartbreak hurts just as much as having someone punch you in the nose over and over again — if not worse!

So overall, heartbreak pretty bad.

I know first hand how bad it is. When that happened, I wanted to hide in bed. I wanted to cry the whole time.

When I thought about the future, I felt sick.

But the first thing I learned is…

Being single is often seen as a bad and lonely thing, but there is a lot of beauty in it

As a woman in my late twenties, I used to feel resentment toward others my age or older who were “still” single.

I thought they hadn’t figured out their lives yet. I thought they were not as far away as I was in life. I even thought there might be something wrong with them!

Basically, I thought being alone was the worst thing in the world.

Why? Because I loved being in a relationship!

Who wouldn’t want someone to come home every day? Someone who tells you he loves you all the time? Someone to be your go-to, no matter what?

I was also afraid of being alone, a fact I didn’t realize until it was over.

I can see now how foolish my beliefs were. When I became single again, I had a whole new respect for my single friends.

They did everything themselves. They made all the decisions themselves.

They created a life for themselves every day, and their lives were entirely their own.

Although they cared for others, they took care of themselves first and foremost. They were selfish sometimes, but they were allowed to be!

It led them to become the person they truly wanted to be.

They were alone. But they were not alone.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks poorly of being single when you’re in a committed, long-term relationship, especially if this is your first relationship.

The thing is…

Singleness opens up your whole world to you, regardless of your age

I know I was only in my twenties, but I thought my life was set in stone.

I was going to move into a bigger house with him one day, start a family, cut back on work, and grow old with this person by my side.

I felt like the days I spent trying new things, coming up with new ideas, and reinventing myself were behind me. After all, why do I need to change?

He loved me, she loved me, and we loved our life together (at least, that’s what I thought).

When that relationship ended, my whole world collapsed. Everything was lost, not just this person, but all the future I had planned in my head.

It took a while to see past that loss. But when I did, I realized that my world had not ended.

I opened.

Suddenly, I could do anything, go anywhere, and be anyone I wanted.

I didn’t have to live in that city. I didn’t have to start a family one day. I didn’t have to get married. Hell, I didn’t even have to live in a house!

My future was mine to recreate. No matter my age, I felt young again. I felt like anything in the world was within reach again.

And I noticed…

It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship and unhappy

It’s cliche, isn’t it? but it’s true!

I only realized how true this was when I became single again.

Remember when I said that being single is sometimes a bad thing?

When you’re in a relationship for a long time, it can really feel that way.

It can feel like relationships are the be all and end all of life. It especially feels that way if you’ve never been happy being single before.

But honestly, being single was the best time of my life. I’m not saying that because I did something crazy too!

It was because I found happiness again on my own — real happiness, too.

A happiness that I realized (very quickly) that I never had in my relationship.

It pains me to admit it, but neither of us were really living at that time. It took us breaking up for us to see that and for us to resume our lives…

Loneliness is a scary but powerful feeling
I’m going to tell you the truth here: When you break up with someone, you feel extremely lonely – and it’s terrifying!

Of course, you are not alone. You probably have a lot of people in your life who care about you.

You may not be ready to hear this yet, but you will have a lot of people in your future who will definitely care about you too!

But still, when a breakup happens, even if you started it, you will feel very alone.

You’ll feel it the first night without them. You’ll feel it at the end of your first week without them. You will feel it on your first birthday, family dinner, vacation, etc. when they are not by your side.

You’ll still feel that way all the time, too. Like when you get sick. Or when you don’t have plans for the weekend. Or when another failed date occurs or a case ends…

But loneliness is a powerful feeling. Makes you realize…

You can truly get through anything on your own, and come out better on the other side

When loneliness strikes, you either sink or swim.

You can either sit at home and wallow in self-pity, begging them to take you back (no judgement, I’ve been there!).

Or you can tell yourself that you can get through this, get out, and keep moving forward (and then go home and wallow in self-pity!).

What did you do? I did the latter – and honestly, I thrived!

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I came out of my shell that I didn’t know I was living in. I started listening to audio books. I started running.

I started seeing my parents more often and calling my brothers once a week. I looked up fun things to do online and booked dates to do them with my friends.

I even went to some things on my own.

I discovered powerful quotes, videos, and stories online that stuck with me.

I sold my house. I went back to the house. Went on a solo holiday (highly recommended!). I bought a new place to live – a place I can call completely my own.

I made new friends and cut out old, toxic ones. I have reached out to my older friends and have now rekindled great friendships with them.

I found new hobbies and had new conversations with strangers.

I started dating and discovered what I really wanted in a relationship in the future.

I stopped dating and chose to be single for a while.

I discovered things about my past and my relationship that were glaringly obvious, but I couldn’t see them at the time.

Most importantly, I got over the heartbreak and shock.

I’m cured.

I came out on the other side confident, completely transformed, and truly happy!

finalthoughts

I won’t exaggerate, my breakup was the worst thing that happened to me in my twenties.

But it was actually the best thing too – for reasons I never expected!

If you had told me two summers ago that my life would end the way it is now, I wouldn’t have believed it.

Hell, I wouldn’t even want that!

I wanted things to stay the way they were, even if I wasn’t happy. I wanted to wait until things got better. I wanted to stay in that relationship. I wanted it.

But now, I couldn’t feel more different!

I know how capable I am. I know what I deserve. I know what I want.

I don’t feel like I’m too old or too late to start over – and I will never feel that way, no matter what the future holds.

I’ve also met my soul mate quite unexpectedly – someone I never knew I could live happily with!

A life I never would have had if he hadn’t had the strength to end it.

My only regret?

I wish I had taken the step to end that relationship myself first, instead of waiting so long for him to do it for us…