Dear Evie. I (age 42) have been married to my husband (age 42) for 18 years. He is my first true love, and for the most part, our marriage has been fine. I say “fine” because I have always felt that my husband is a very selfish person. I never knew the right way to express it, but from the articles I have read on Ideapod and other sites, I have come to realize that he may be a narcissist. He is very charming in public, and his coworkers at work love him, as do our family and friends. But with me and the kids, he can be downright mean. Everything in our house revolves around him. He used to treat me lavishly (holidays, fancy dinners, etc.) but in the last 10 years or so he has completely calmed down. He complains when I can’t lose the extra weight after having three kids, and he has a way of making himself the victim in every situation. When I have tried to talk to close friends or family members about him, they have been shocked. They said they couldn’t imagine him acting this way. The more I read about narcissism, the more I see that he falls into this category. I guess my question is, what should I do? I have tried talking to him and asked him if he would go to marriage counseling (he refuses and says I am looking for attention). I don’t want to leave him because our kids are still in school, but I am afraid I am raising them in an unhealthy environment. He has never been physically abusive, but I now see that his behavior and comments are not setting a good example for our young son and two daughters. – Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
I wish I had better news for you, but it is time to face the painful truth. I have been married for 18 years to a man who exhibits classic signs of narcissism. Your gut has whispered this to you, and now you have the words to describe him. Narcissists can be so charming to the outside world while creating havoc behind closed doors. It is no wonder that your friends and family are shocked – they only see the mask he wears in public.
Your husband’s refusal to attend counseling sessions and his dismissive attitude toward your concerns are red flags. His behavior isn’t just about draining the treatment; it’s about control and manipulation. His comments about your body and his ability to twist situations to make himself the victim are clear signs of emotional abuse. This isn’t just unhealthy for you; it’s toxic for your children.
They learn from his behavior, and this will shape their understanding of relationships.
So what should you do?
- Put your well-being first: Start by taking care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. That means seeking therapy for yourself, even if it doesn’t go away. A professional can help you work through your feelings and offer strategies for dealing with your behavior.
- Set boundaries: Set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship. This can be difficult, especially since he’s likely to resist any change that doesn’t serve him. Stick to your decision.
- Document everything: Keep a record of instances where he emotionally abuses or manipulates you. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to take legal action or if you need to make a case for future custody arrangements.
…You deserve a life where your needs and feelings are valued, and your children deserve to grow up in an environment where respect and love are the norm, not the exception. This journey will not be easy, but reclaiming your life and self-worth will be worth it.
Take the first step today. You can do it.
Best wishes,
Evie
