Staying in a toxic relationship with someone you love can be overwhelming, but here’s how one woman learned how to break up with her toxic partner and move on:
Two years ago, this month, I was finally ending a relationship I’d known I needed to end for a very long time.
Time is a funny thing, on the one hand, it’s hard to believe it was only two years ago.
It feels like I’ve been stuck in that toxic relationship for a very long time.
Related: 10 things a toxic man will do when he realizes he can no longer control you
On the other hand, when I was in the thick of it, I thought I would never get out. Time felt endless.
Why did you stay in that relationship for so long? Besides the fact that he was abusive to me – and that I was afraid to leave – I think it was because I thought I loved him.
Since I loved him, shouldn’t I try to work things out?
I had already left my husband 10 years ago, and I still loved him, but unable to overcome our differences, I was reluctant to give into my new relationship.
But I’m not the only one who stayed in a bad relationship for a long time.
Many people are stuck in dead-end unions and seem unable to leave.
These relationships may be abusive; Maybe they’re just two people who outdid each other or were never a match to begin with.
It’s difficult to classify a relationship as “good” or “bad” – there are usually elements of both.
When we finally end these relationships and gain the perspective that comes with distance, we usually feel confused by ourselves. What took all this time? We believe.
Oftentimes, it boils down to the idea of love. If we love someone, we feel we must stay. If we don’t, we have to leave.
But what is “love” supposed to mean anyway? Is it a feeling or an action? I always thought love was something you feel, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that it’s not about feelings at all.
Related: People who lack self-esteem often display these 7 behaviors (without realizing it)
It’s about loving someone actively – love as an action. This means listening to them, caring for them, being present for them, and making them feel supported and special.
We’ve all heard that relationships aren’t supposed to be easy. We are supposed to work with them.
But how hard is the work? What does staying in dead-end relationships do to us? Why are we attracted to them in the first place?
I asked Melody Lee, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFTA), who counsels couples in her private practice in Austin, Texas, to shed some light on these questions.
Oftentimes, people stay in dead-end relationships because they repeat comfortable or familiar patterns, she said.
“People are drawn to toxic relationships for many reasons,” Lee explains.
“One common reason, which is often unconscious, is that partners are simply repeating toxic patterns they saw growing up in their family. For them, this is the norm and they have no other ‘blueprint’ for healthy relationships.”
He tells me we stay. We’re overly optimistic that things will change because we’re invested in the relationship — we have kids, our finances are tangled — or because “the idea of change is overwhelming.”
Related: 13 behaviors of people who have very little self-respect, according to psychology
Another reason we survive is a lack of confidence in ourselves.
“In situations where one partner gaslights the other, the partner on the receiving end may begin to question their sanity or sense of reality,” Lee says.
In other words, you may think you love your partner, but you’ve lost all sense of perspective because he’s messing with your head.
“If the relationship is emotionally abusive, one or both partners may experience low self-esteem and self-worth, as well as feelings of anxiety and depression.”
