I once lived with a friend who began to abuse me financially, psychologically, and emotionally. To save myself, I moved out.
When I tried to tell those closest to me why it had to end, instead of asking about my emotional and mental health, the responses included, “At least he didn’t physically abuse you,” and “We don’t see that side of him.” Some friends even continued to reach out to him.
I didn’t know which was worse: the betrayal and emotional rejection from those closest to me, or the complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) that distorted my self-image and worldview, created by someone I once trusted and gave my heart to. I couldn’t help but think, so this is what love feels like.
With no clear physical evidence, the logic seemed to be “out of sight, out of mind.” This is the big elephant in the room; not all wounds are visible, and we hurt others by dismissing their experiences.
Currently, 13 million people in America suffer from PTSD, which often leads to anxiety and depression. As someone who has now overcome clinical depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, eating disorders, and substance abuse, I had no idea how it was connected to my relationships at the time.
I always thought it was me.
For decades, I had suffered from chronic overthinking. I felt exploited, surrounded by people who wanted more from me but not the best for me.
I felt drained, ignored, belittled, and unappreciated, and I couldn’t understand why, no matter how much I sought peace and practiced conflict resolution, my relationships felt chaotic, biased, and drama-filled. It wasn’t until my early 40s that nearly every romantic partner I encountered took a toll on my mind, body, and spirit.
While I was overweight, suffering from complex migraines, and brain fog, I was bedridden for days, and then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic, widespread condition of muscle pain. That’s when I finally realized the connection between my mental health and my deteriorating physical health.
Emotional abuse not only lowers self-esteem, it also impacts the trajectory of our lives.
We are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and be involved with abusive partners.
Long-term emotional abuse has the potential to make us feel like our needs don’t matter as much as anyone else’s, which only leads to increased codependent behaviors that ignore our boundaries. The people-pleasing cycle keeps us trapped in unhealthy relationships with abusive people. However, we are so used to not having our needs met, often from a neglectful childhood, that we don’t even realize we are being abused.
However, nearly 36% of the population4
has experienced emotional abuse, so here’s what to watch out for.
Types of psychological and emotional abuse.
EmotionalValidation
Dismissing, judging, or ignoring your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This might look like, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” “This isn’t right,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “I don’t see the problem. This isn’t who I am.”
Disrespecting and/or ignoring your boundaries
Violating your personal space, reading your journal or diary, checking your phone or emails, showing up, using your belongings, accessing your accounts, finances, etc.
3.Manipulative Behaviors
Deceptive tactics to control, dominate, use, or exploit you. Some examples of manipulation tactics include:
Playing mind games: The goal is to confuse or mislead you.
Guilt or victimization: Making you feel responsible for their actions or that you need to save, fix, or help them.
Love bombing: Lavishing you with love, attention, and care, then withdrawing, devaluing, and diminishing you.
The silent treatment: Refusing to communicate as a form of punishment, ignoring, or disregarding.
- Manipulation
Denying that certain events, arguments, or situations happened, causes you to question your memory and reason. This might look like:
Denial of reality: They directly deny it happened even though they know it did.
Minimizing your feelings: Telling you that you’re overreacting, “overdramatizing,” etc.
Blame: Shifting blame by refusing to take responsibility.
Withholding information: Deliberately keeping you in the dark about important matters to maintain control.
Cheating: Deliberately causing you suffering or making you feel jealous, and lying about it.
Crocodile tears: Fake crying to elicit a response or redirect the narrative.
- Ignoring
Refusing to engage, communicate, connect, or resolve conflicts to maintain control and/or punishment. This might look like:
Ignoring: Deliberately ignoring you and refusing to respond or acknowledge your presence.
Shutdown: Refusing to discuss anything with you, including the problem or addressing concerns.
Avoidance: Avoiding you physically, mentally, or emotionally to create emotional distance.
Blocking: Denying affection or acknowledgment; refusing to meet your needs.
- Verbal Abuse
Using words to belittle, humiliate, or control you. For example:
Joke making: At your expense.
Humiliation: Making fun of you, calling you names, or publicly humiliating you.
Name-calling: Insults.
Threats, yelling, or screaming: Raising their voice to intimidate or frighten you.
Constant criticism: Constantly finding fault with you; trying to make you feel worthless.
Body shaming: Criticizing or commenting on your appearance
- Overprotection
Overprotection, which some people mistake for nurturing, can be a form of psychological abuse that involves excessive control.
- Actively turning others against you
Deliberately withholding information.
Pretending to care for you but working against you.
Jealous behavior.
Trying to undermine you, slow your growth, or otherwise hinder you.
Telling lies about you or working with others to try to hinder, hurt, or make you jealous.
- Ignoring
Treating you as if you are inferior.
Intimidating, coercing, bullying, and harassing.
Refusing to be there for you when you need help.
Not respecting or ignoring boundaries.
Blaming you for their problems.
Betraying your feelings.
- Objectifying you
Treating you like property.
How to Break Free from Toxic and Emotionally Abusive Relationships
- Acknowledge the Abuse
Start by being honest with yourself and admitting that it happened. Abusers are skilled at making you deny your reality, and you may be good at making excuses for them.
So ask yourself how you feel in this relationship. Can you be yourself? Are your needs being met? Do you feel respected and honored?
- Connect Outside the Relationship; Build a Support System
Make sure you have a strong support system in place. Reach out to loved ones who truly care about you, or make new connections with support groups or therapists.
- Process Emotions
Understanding your feelings and giving yourself a safe place to feel them is important. Healing is revealing; grieving, grieving, and forgiving yourself and others is part of the healing journey.
- Leave the Relationship and Don’t Contact Anyone
If you can end the relationship, it’s wise to do so to show yourself and your loved ones. No one deserves to be abused. Not contacting anyone will help you heal and move forward.
- Focus on yourself
Start to process your feelings through healthy behavioral and therapeutic processes, such as trauma therapy, life coaching, mindfulness therapy, physical exercise, meditation, mantras, personal development workshops and books, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), biobehavioral therapy, family therapy, etc.
- Practice self-love and self-care
Showing yourself up and putting yourself first is the foundation of a strong and healthy mind, body, and spirit. The more you take care of yourself, the less likely you are to be manipulated or swayed into someone else’s web of deception.
7.Leave expectations
Start to let go of the lies that your abusers tell you. Many of them are bullies who project their fears, telling you that you are worthless and will never amount to anything. These things are not facts. Detach yourself and discover your true self.
- Set firm boundaries and new standards
Start by setting firm boundaries and learning about manipulation tactics, how to spot liars, and how to protect yourself from a place of love. Know your worth and set new standards for who and what you will allow into your life.
Bottom
The thing is, this isn’t just your ex, your current partner, your parent, or your mother-in-law—it’s energy. This selfish, neglectful, “my needs are more important than yours,” controlling, selfish, manipulative energy is consciousness. It’s the kind of energy that festers in society and is passed on unconsciously through generations.
This selfish, abusive, and utter disregard for other human life is affecting our mental, physical, and spiritual growth. The only way to stop it is to be aware of it and refuse to allow it.
