My husband and I just purchased a townhouse. It’s been 2 years since we got married and he went out with our next-door neighbor. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized he wasn’t home yet.
I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was worried that something had happened to him.
Five hours later, he walked through the door. I was angry – and not for the reason most people would be. I never had to worry that my husband would wander off or cheat on me. I was angry because I was stressed and anxious until the morning.
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“Where were you?” I said.
“We played cards all night,” he said. “Then we went to breakfast.”
“Are you kidding me?” I said. “Who doesn’t come home all night and who doesn’t let his wife know he’s not coming home?”
“Don’t ever talk to me like that,” he said.
For the next three weeks, my husband didn’t tell me anything.
This is without exaggeration. He lived with me without there being a single word between us. There wasn’t even a practical question, “Can you pass the salt.”
I didn’t realize it yet but this was tame. This was before the covert narcissist used more brutal tactics.
I was confused. I thought I married a seemingly simple man.
We dated for about six years before we got married. I have never experienced such arrogant coldness. I was with a man who seemed nothing but controlling. But now I live with a man who oscillates between relaxing and unbearably difficult.
I didn’t understand what a narcissist was. I have yet to hear my husband’s diagnosis of covert narcissism.
An annoying and controlling cycle began to emerge in my marriage.
As long as I stayed out of my husband’s neighborhood, there was peace. If you veered into his path there was a price to pay. If I asked him anything or called him about anything, it was not good for me.
The covert narcissist caused relentless tears. It wasn’t that ugly cry. It was a violent wave of tears until my face was covered in bruises.
I never cried when I was dating a seemingly simple guy. I am now crying cyclically married to a secret narcissist.
Covert narcissists do not appear like overt narcissists. They don’t seem to be in control. They are passive-aggressively controlling. It’s a sneaky form of control that involves more manipulation.
The covert narcissist attaches and maintains control less clearly.
I knew the rules and I knew I shouldn’t break the covert narcissist’s rules.
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I began to internalize my role as the wife of a covert narcissist.
I understood how to keep the peace. My husband ignored me. There would be no conflict if I didn’t get in his way, ask to do something, need something, or ask for anything. As long as I didn’t interfere with his work, his priorities, or anything I disagreed with, it was okay.
Maybe my husband was ignoring me. But make no mistake: I was controlled.
Again, there were rules and I knew them.
But sometimes I couldn’t avoid conflict.
I needed to be picked up – not by him – from surgery or from the hospital when our son was born. He had to take time off the day our second child was induced. My mother was sick and dying, and it interfered with his business trip because I refused to go with him. These are the types of things that were unacceptable.
This was when he reminded me that he was in control.
There were many other times as well. He watched me paint our living room and dining room with a new baby strapped to my chest after he had just gotten out of bed because he refused. He ruined my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas because he knew those things were important to me. He shows up late to important tasks I have planned just to show that I don’t control him and that he is a busy man. He went away on business trips for a week and never called home.
I cried when I lost my mother and the secret narcissist slept next to me.
It doesn’t matter if it’s an ordinary day or an important day. The covert narcissist will remind me that he is in charge and I better not get into too much trouble.
These were the days when he would explode when I needed him to – AKA he got in the way.
It has begun a month of wilting tears.
I felt crazy and confused and realized there was something wrong with my husband.
The guy who seems great will disappear and the secret narcissist will say to me, “He’s a big boy and I’m a big girl. He doesn’t ask me for anything and I shouldn’t ask for anything from him.”
Related: Yes, You Can Change A Narcissist — If You Follow One Key Rule
But really, he was asking me about everything. It was his world and I was living in it.
He asked me to leave my job to help him grow his business. He asked me to move after I said I didn’t want to leave my family. He paid for a wedding when I wanted to invest in a house. He wanted a townhouse when I wanted a charming old house. He refused to go to Maryland Beach where I grew up, so we went to his Jersey Shore.
