“Why don’t I have any friends?” I’ve asked myself this question countless times—even when I had friendships in my life. I always felt so alone and misunderstood. I never liked having a friend who gave or was willing to give and do for me what I was always willing to give or do at any given time.

I would exaggerate the question “How high?!” when any of my friends even hinted at “jumping.”

There have been times in my life when I’ve felt lonelier in friendships and romantic relationships than I have when I’m physically alone.

And that’s the thing about toxic friendships and relationships—they never prove to be anything more than a very temporary emotional pacifier. They’re a band-aid on a cancer that ultimately highlights the very thing they’re supposed to address: “I don’t have any friends.” “Am I alone?” “Am I the only one who feels this way?” Loneliness.

I used to have a lot of friends. I had a contact list full of people I could call and social media profiles that proved to the world how capable I was of being a best friend, a bridesmaid, a maid of honor, a ride-or-die. I had planned every night of the week (even for the most mundane things) and I always had someone to talk to, listen to, or problem-solve for.

I made fake friendships because they were badges of denial and exoneration for me.

One part denial + one part exoneration quickly became the gasoline my emotional engine couldn’t run without.

Because our relationships would always reflect our relationship with ourselves, I had no choice but to rely on quantity. I assumed that a large number of friends was a precursor to a quality relationship.

I used the large number of fake friendships I made to screw my mind.

As I said before, no one screwed my mind, hurt me, or fooled me more than I did myself. As long as I had all these “friendships,” it was proof that the problem was never with me—in my romantic relationships, in my work, in my family relationships, in my life.

Related : How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart

I couldn’t attract a connected, compassionate, mutual romantic relationship to save my life. But as long as I had an address book full of “friendships,” it was a complete shutdown of the possibility that I was the problem. I mean… if I was capable of making that many great friends, I was capable of being (and attracting) a great man.

But there was a huge problem…

Not only was I seriously lacking everything these friendships were lacking, but my lack was the essential qualities necessary for the kind of romantic relationship I felt I deserved.

Intimacy, empathy, connection, meaning… none of these qualities were present in my friendships because they were not present in the relationship I had with myself.

This justification proved to be as ridiculous as using my baby blanket as a cover for my adult bed and then complaining about the lack of warmth. I felt lost without the emotional “pacifier” of my fake friends. I couldn’t do anything on my own and I felt worthless without a “friend” by my side. It was a bad look—but only to the right kind of people (the kind of people I wanted to attract and be friends with). For others, I was successful. But all we were doing was following the follower.

Having so many girlfriends kept me busy that I didn’t have to deal with myself. I was always involved in some drama, doing something silly, spending money I didn’t have, or being someone’s therapist and cheerleader (which was never my own). This made me start to equate the need to be desired with wanting, which made me a magnet for toxic romantic relationships.

As I started to pay for investing in friendship fandoms, the numbers and social media stats lost their luster. I was left with low-quality, dull, no-connection-but-please-add-me-to-your-photo fluff.

And that’s when I realized… “I don’t have friends.”

“Real people don’t have a lot of friends.” – Tupac

Today, I don’t have friends (I’ll explain).

I’m a much more isolated person, but I have deep, mutual, fulfilling relationships that I never thought I’d have.

Here’s how and why realizing “I don’t have friends” isn’t that bad.

Here’s What I’ve Learned About Feeling/Perceiving “I Have No Friends” + Why Keeping a Small Circle Is the Only Way:

Today, I have no friends. I have a few close relationships in my life that are meaningful to me, and referring to those people as “friends” would be an insult at this point. They are the family I chose for myself, the lights that grow from my soul, and the friends my soul has known since day one. How did I finally attract this level of quality? I learned to enjoy my own company. I stopped testing my relationships and started reaching out, and soon… quantity started giving me an emotional response because I had already experienced the heaven of quality. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances in my life that I spend time with from time to time. These are people I truly care about and enjoy. However, these relationships now have a more real place in my life. They are not my priority because I no longer seek size = meaning. I can appreciate my relationships with my acquaintances on a stress-free level because I don’t expect anything. There is no longer this pressure to plant a concrete rose garden.
As your circle shrinks, the quality of the people in it increases dramatically. If you’re thinking “I don’t have any friends,” it’s because any friendships you had/still have lacked meaning, connection, and value. Narrow your circle, even if it means you’re the only one in it right now. Stop watering dead plants (fake friends) and start watering yourself. Your newfound health, happiness, and future will thank you. Friendship is not a numbers game. It’s part of the joy of being—not the bullshit/drama/unappreciation/misery of being forgiven. I keep my circle very small, but the level of trust, joy, meaning, and connection makes me proud of that number, and I’m never ashamed. What matters in life? If you’re in friendships where you feel unappreciated, unappreciated, ununderstood, and taken advantage of… what’s the point? It took me having a serious health issue years ago, moving on from my emotional stress, and creating my own life to realize that I have a finite amount of time and energy. I became acutely aware of who I was spending my time with, how it affected me, and where I was directing my thoughts, beliefs, and actions later on. You will attract soulmate relationships into your life when you surrender. Surrender to “I have no friends.” Surrender to your dysfunction and patterns, and watch everything quietly until you get tired of it, and you become more anxious about staying on a treadmill that is going nowhere than you are about potentially falling, but eventually, you go off track. Accept it. Feel every ounce of it and then realize this: You have been rolling with your best friend the entire time: you. You are the one person who has been with you the entire time. And here you are… still by your side. Once you start enjoying your own company, don’t be surprised by the allergic reactions others may have to your growth. I coach a billionaire and he is one of the loneliest people I know (except when he is among other billionaires, who are few and far between). When you are a billionaire, it is difficult for even your millionaire friends to afford the things you love to do. So everything is always at your expense. When you become an emotional billionaire, you realize that engaging with a crowd of fake friends will always be at your emotional expense. And so… it no longer seems appealing. Substance begins to trump meaningless numbers, likes, comments, and Friday night plans that only highlight your loneliness.

Related : I Need Help: Something That I Struggle With To This Day

If you’re thinking “I have no friends” and are working on loving yourself, supporting yourself, and eliminating stagnation through growth, consider this…

I can’t tell you how many readers from all over the world have made amazing friends on this site. All through the comments section below these posts and on my social media.

You are never alone. And if you find yourself surrounded by fake friends, what happens?…

There is someone, somewhere in the world, reading these words right now. Someone who is giving and hungry for more. Someone whose soul can identify with yours.