One topic that continues to rear its ugly head after divorce. It’s the idea that being stupid is a prerequisite for failing in divorce.
They say: “You seem smart.”
“How could this happen to a girl like you?” They say.
“You’ve always been so capable,” they say.
Yes, I am smart. Yes it can happen to a girl like me. It can happen to any girl. It can happen even to men. Finally, I am a capable woman.
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It’s not about being smart or even stupid.
It’s about belittling the person you married.
It’s about seeing the best in a person who no longer deserves it. The person who probably never deserved it.
It’s about trusting someone beyond your marital problems. It’s about a lack of boundaries and having any kind of self-protective boundaries.
“He’s having a midlife crisis,” I would say.
“He’s a good person in a bad place,” I would say.
“It was never that bad,” I would say.
“There must be something wrong,” I would say.
“There must be something hurting him,” I would say.
I was wrong.
My ex-husband never went through anything. He was an angry narcissist.
He was intending retribution and punishment, not saving our marriage or getting a divorce. He wanted me to pay the price for daring to leave him. That’s what it’s all about.
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What happened to me in my divorce is that bad people do bad things.
It’s about a husband who I mistakenly thought had the same values. Then he made it very clear that he lacked any morals at all.
It’s about the divorce system and the people who abuse it using the same tired methods and getting away with lying, cheating, stealing and manipulating to get what they want.
It is about which spouse controls all the marital funds.
The marital partner who is financially abusive “to win” the desired outcome they desire.
I wasn’t canceling our kids’ health insurance. I would never leave our children without transportation. I was not in default on my mortgage. I wasn’t threatening not to send our kids to college. I didn’t turn off the electricity. I was not leaving our children without food or school supplies.
I wasn’t behind on my bills, so sheriff’s deputies came to our house with debt warrants. I wasn’t ruining our credit to make us look broke.
I was not reducing our business income to promote the “poor man’s narrative.”
I was interfering.
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I was keeping my family’s head above water while a financially abusive man kept dragging us down.
I was dodging his next abusive move. I was walking in place. I was spent emotionally and physically. I was under tremendous pressure and duress.
There was no time to be classified as smart or stupid.
