I spent the summer wearing what I call my “out-of-state” clothes at the Jersey Shore. The Harper Valley PTA was too much to wear in the halls of my kids’ elementary school.
My uniform has been a bikini for more years than most people’s. I went to the gym four days a week to push those limits.
Then our marriage hit a wall.
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I gained seven pounds.
Those first pounds weren’t a big deal because I was in good shape. But then our problems escalated.
I told my husband that I felt lonely being married to him and that I was thinking about leaving. His anger came out in the form of alcohol abuse. I told him he had to address the behavior or leave.
He left three separate times while my kids stood next to me and cried.
We saw a marriage counselor and discovered that my husband lacked empathy.
I was living with a narcissist who was drinking uncontrollably and terrorizing our family. I should have left but I thought he was having some kind of midlife crisis. Six years later, the divorce began.
Here’s when things got dicey.
If you know anything about narcissistic personality disorder, the narcissist doesn’t lose.
The wife’s departure would be a defeat.
I realize now that drinking wasn’t a midlife crisis or unhappiness.
He was a narcissist who punished the woman he believed had wronged him. And this terrifying lack of empathy means that he will be able to do almost anything.
He would use, confuse, and abuse our children if he saw it as a way to win.
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I gained weight with each new tactic.
A few pounds when the sheriff’s deputies knocked on my door with Dean’s orders.
And a few more when the repo guys invaded my driveway in the middle of the night.
A couple for good measure as foreclosure notices come in, health insurance is canceled, electricity is turned off, food money is withheld, and much more.
I ended up in the emergency room several times with superficial blood clots.
I have a non-surgical blood disorder that should not bother me unless I do something that thickens my blood (smoking or replacing hormones) or if I am having surgery.
My internist urged me to finalize the divorce. It was believed that the stress of the abusive tactics was causing the strokes.
I gained a few extra pounds.
I couldn’t sleep, concentrate, or think straight.
My home and my children were under siege. I was in the fight of my life to free myself from a man with a serious personality disorder.
What made it worse was that the charming narcissistic community seemed to have gone undetected. The narcissistic truth was eventually revealed, but during this time the abuse worsened.
People who know him will look the other way because of his charm.
You can emphasize eating more while celebrating the bully’s ridiculousness.
The madness of people who believe that just because an individual is handsome, funny, and successful refuses to believe that they are capable of offending. Even when the narcissist reveals himself at every corner of the divorce.
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They all told me I had gained a significant amount of weight.
I’d like to say I’m carrying an extra pound of “Ralph” with me. The name has been changed to protect non-innocent people.
I was a girl who went from smiling all the time to crying all the time.
It was a lot of work that piled on the pounds that came with the tears.
I’m happy to say that I now only carry 34 pounds of “Ralph” with me. Things have improved in the last few years after divorce and joy returns.
The tears have subsided and the pound is slowly moving towards freedom. Sorry, I can’t help myself. I love a good pun.
People ask me why I don’t date.
I don’t want to go out and play in this body. Divorce makes you feel bad. Excess weight is salt in the emotional wound.
I know it’s silly to care. People tell me not to do it. A good man will love me as I am, or so they say.
This weight is a reminder of a very abusive and scary time in my life. It’s not about the girl I was, but about the woman a terrifying man turned me into.
I need to lose him.
To forget that I got myself into a monster.
To go hunting for my “out of state” clothes in the deep recesses of my closet.
