I couldn’t figure this out. My girlfriend of 4 years is going on a trip this weekend with some of her closest friends. They’re going to Cancun and then Tulum for a week and a half. I trust her—always have, and she’s never given me a reason to doubt her. But she’s a planner, so her bag has been sitting there for weeks, slowly stacking clothes for the trip. She texted me to say she lost her spare house keys a few days ago and asked me to take a look while she was at work (I work from home). My first thought was to the bag because it had been sitting there for so long, I figured the keys might have made their way into the pile. No keys, but I did find a sealed box of condoms. She and I hadn’t used them because she’d been on birth control since we met, so I have no idea why they were there. I brought them to her as soon as she got home from work and her reaction was nothing short of nonchalant. She claims it’s just an old box that was in the bag, but I can’t help but feel bad about that. She’s flying out on Friday and I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her she can’t go? Is she cheating? Is she lying? Please help a man out of his misery! – Anonymous
First and foremost, take a deep breath. This is a murky situation, but the truth is, we’ve all been there – that painful feeling when nothing feels right in our relationships.
Trust me, I’ve had those heart-pounding moments, thinking about what’s going on. And while it’s easier said than done, try your best not to jump to conclusions, as you could end up doing a lot more damage than it’s worth.
You and your girlfriend seem to have a solid foundation of trust, and that’s worth a lot. Four years is no small feat, and it means she’s never given you a reason to doubt her before.
But while a foundation of trust is all well and good, your gut instinct isn’t something to ignore either. It’s there for a reason, and you shouldn’t ignore it – especially when a big red rubber flag has just made its way into your life.
Let’s start unpacking that suitcase (pardon the pun!) Finding a sealed box of condoms when you and your girlfriend haven’t used them is certainly a bit of a surprise. And her “immortal” response isn’t the most reassuring. But if you were playing devil’s advocate, you’d probably be just as upset by her emotional reactions and screams of denial, so I’d advise you to avoid reading too much into her tone or choosing to decide on her behalf.
Regardless of where the condoms came from, I want you to know that it’s normal to feel hurt, confused, and even betrayed. These feelings are more than valid. The truth is that sometimes things get hidden and forgotten. My partner had a stash of tampons in his bathroom that he’d been carrying around from apartment to apartment for years (or so he claims…) these condoms were likely from a time before you, forgotten relics from a time before birth control became the norm. Suitcases also tend to be places where a strange collection of old things gets left to rust and wrinkle, so if they’re going to be hidden anywhere, I bet you’ve stumbled into the right place.
Have you tried talking to her about this again? I know you confronted her when she got home, but sometimes a little distance and a second conversation can do wonders. Approach her calmly, express your concerns, and most importantly, listen to her response. I’m sure she’s feeling just as anxious as you are, as anyone in your situation would, so I hope you can work together to better understand each other and what’s going on.
If her explanation still doesn’t work for you, the best advice I can give you is to say that it’s time to trust your gut. You have every right to express your concerns and set boundaries.
This doesn’t necessarily mean stopping her from going on the trip. Even if you try to stop her, she’s an adult and an independent person, and she may choose to do what she wants. Regardless of the vacation, you need to step in and explain that this issue isn’t resolved and needs to be discussed further.
Remember, communication is key. Talk to her. Listen to her. Trust your instincts.
You can do this, Evie.
