Like many mothers, I raised my son to understand that being a man means not only being strong and hardworking but also being loving and open to others. Like me, I see many mothers worrying about what the current position of leadership will mean for their sons as they grow into men.
Will our sons be pressured to suppress the sensitivity we have encouraged them to develop? Will they be told that respecting women, people with disabilities, and other races is a sign of weakness? Will they be subjected to ridicule or even violence? Will they be labeled as the type of men who believe that the typical male should be aggressive, arrogant, and entitled?
I am sure some will accuse me of overreacting. Surely the actions of one man, no matter how powerful, should not corrupt the character of another independent man? That’s right: I don’t think my son will become cruel or dismissive of women in the next four years. But make no mistake, the office of the president, the power of the presidency, and the actions one can take while in office set the standard and precedent for what is considered permissible in our society.
The version of masculinity that the current president embodies is not new; it is very old. I grew up in the 1960s, and I know it well. I grew up in an era when women had to fight for everything, and now I look in the mirror and see that it is all true again. As a professional with advanced degrees, I have to defend my intelligence to a president who does not respect the diversity of human speech. I have to navigate a world in which a man elected to the highest office in the land feels it is his right to suggest that a woman’s intelligence and temperament are compromised by her biological functions. It is the version of man that I and so many other women have fought against. And now it is back, at a time when we hoped the world was ready for a new kind of man.
So what can we do?
First, we can assure our sons, husbands, daughters, sisters, and each other that the old version of man is not the only version:
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A man is measured by his ability to show empathy and listen to those with different opinions, rather than shouting them down. He can defend himself through intelligent, reasonable arguments, rather than having to bully his way to victory. A man is measured by the level of respect he gives his sisters, daughters, partners, and friends, and the respect they give him. He does not view women as objects but as whole people, because he is a whole person. A man does not isolate himself from his emotions, nor does he avoid empathy, teamwork, tolerance, and kindness. He does not fear these traits as signs of weakness, because he does not cut himself in two to fit a distorted and diminished view of the male. A man does not need to evaluate others based on attractiveness, money, race, gender, or status, because he does not use these things to evaluate himself. He knows himself as a complete human being by his actions and judges himself and others by the quality of their conduct and the expression of their character.
I know the man I raised. While he will be strong, he will not be a man to be feared. He will not resort to arrogance, though he has much to be proud of. He will not use women as status symbols or disposable objects of pleasure, though there are many women around him. He is a new kind of man, and for that reason, he is far more courageous than the men who must hide behind violence to project strength. And while I worry about him, I believe in him. It is not just women, not just minorities, not just people of different abilities or religions who feel under attack this year. It is men who are willing to step forward with a newer, bolder, braver, kinder version of manhood than our president seems willing to project. And because I know these men will stand with us, I propose that we stand with them. We need to emphasize that fitness and decency in our men is not rare, but expected, not weakness, but strength, not departure, but progress. Men like my son are not eccentrics, outcasts, or outdated. They are the future.
