Hi Evie. I married my wonderful wife last year after being together for 5 years. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who is just turning teenager. I used to get along with my stepdaughter but it was never great. I didn’t want to replace her father and tried to treat her more like a niece or friend. I left the children’s upbringing to her mother and only intervened when she asked me to. But once we got married, I noticed my stepdaughter was acting out. She is rude to me and often reminds me that I am not her real father. I have fought with my wife countless times about this – I wish she would be more firm with her daughter, especially when she is being disrespectful, but my wife says it is normal for children to act out when their parents separate and then remarry. I love my wife and hope to one day have a good relationship with my stepdaughter, but at the moment I feel like she is a ticking time bomb. Any advice? Jeremy, USA. Hi Evie. I married my wonderful wife last year after being together for 5 years. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who is just a teenager. I used to get along with my stepdaughter but it never worked out. I didn’t want to replace her father and tried to treat her more like a niece or friend. I left the parenting to her mother and only stepped in when asked. But once we got married, I noticed my stepdaughter was acting out. She is rude to me and often reminds me that I am not her real father. I have fought with my wife countless times about this – I wish she would be more assertive with her daughter, especially when she is disrespectful, but my wife says it is normal for children to act out when their parents divorce and then remarry. I love my wife and hope to one day have a good relationship with my stepdaughter, but right now she feels like a ticking time bomb. Any advice? Jeremy, USA.
Next, you need to figure out what your role is in this family, which is more than just the man who steps in when asked. You don’t need to be her father, but you do need to be an authority figure in her life. This means setting boundaries and consequences when those boundaries are crossed. Respect is non-negotiable.
But don’t expect this to change overnight. Building a relationship with a teen, especially one who is already defensive, takes time and patience. Start by finding common ground—something you both enjoy, whether it’s a hobby, a sport, or even just a TV show. Show her that while you’re not trying to replace her father, you’re here to stay, and you want to have a positive relationship with her.
Finally, remember that her resistance isn’t just about you. It’s about her trying to figure out where she fits into this new family dynamic. Give her space to express her feelings, but don’t let her use them as a weapon against you.
Ultimately, the key is consistency and persistence. Show her that you may not be her father, but you are her stepfather, and that you’re committed to being a stable, respectful, and respectful part of her life. The ticking time bomb I mentioned doesn’t have to go off—if you defuse it with patience, understanding, and clear boundaries.
