I would blame it on being 19, young and stupid. But the real reason for the red flag of missing our first date was that I tended to make excuses for people.
Combine this with covert narcissism, and the warning becomes less clear.
I was in school in Scranton, Pennsylvania when I met my husband.
We had the chance to meet at Barrel College and over the next month, he seemed to be showing up everywhere I went. I had no interest in him, which makes my tolerance for his failed first date even more baffling.
I said yes because he made me laugh and wouldn’t relent.
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Enter the red flag for the first date.
I got dressed to go out and waited to hear from him.
Nothing, not a word.
This guy stalked me for a month and traced my number through other people.
You see when I finally gave in and said yes, he followed me out of the bar to get my phone number. But after you vowed to save it, some Genesee Brew got in your way.
He ended up calling my freshman dorm number and, incredibly, the girls put another “Colleen” on the phone. Eventually, I realized the mistake and gave him my new number.
He put a lot of effort into making me say yes.
But despite that, I sat in my apartment waiting for the phone to ring.
I felt angry and angry.
Finally, at a little past eleven, he called me and asked me to meet him at a party.
This is his version of the girl’s question. Invite her to the college keg that night. He is seriously ignorant. He has no idea what he did and is rude and offensive and not how you treat a woman.
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I told him I wouldn’t meet him.
I know what you’re thinking, why did I agree to a second date?
Even now, when my roommate and I discussed it, we thought he was just a stupid young college boy. He was too kind to believe otherwise. He was far from a rogue player. We were kind of boys and we’ll always be boys and all that silly thinking.
And that’s the thing.
Narcissism is difficult to detect, but covert narcissism is almost impossible.
They do not appear as difficult and arrogant individuals. Their passive-aggressive form of control makes them appear relaxed and almost innocent. A very simple magician.
They are not as obvious as the overt narcissist.
I had no idea I was hooking myself on one.
But this is where I went wrong.
Narcissistic or non-narcissistic.
Red flags don’t have to be unusual, they can be ordinary.
Even if I wanted to make excuses for my husband and justify that he was too nice a guy to have evil intentions, I shouldn’t do that.
Even if all other factors made it seem like he was ignorant, not disrespectful. I should have walked away the first time someone didn’t treat me the way I deserved.
Instead of mistakenly believing that the border was saying no to that specific date.
It’s funny that we eat in restaurants and don’t enjoy the experience so we don’t go back. We try hiking or yoga and decide that’s not for us.
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But when it comes to real human beings, we’ll give them one chance after another.
Red flags don’t have to be huge.
They can appear innocent especially when we tend to make excuses for the bad behavior of others. But the truth is that maybe it wasn’t so exceptional, but I knew something wasn’t right.
That is why I sought to make excuses for him.
However, there was a narcissist underneath that handsome boy’s exterior. He was not unaware. He was selfish and in his world. That’s why he didn’t think to contact me until the party was in full swing.
Even more troubling?
The narcissist has begged me to share a night in his world, and he still forgets about me.
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