I grew up in a household that revolved around my mother.
She was a narcissist who, according to Wendy Beharie, director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of Disarming Narcissists: Surviving and Thriving with Self-Absorbed People, was “often self-absorbed and preoccupied with the need to achieve.” Image idealized (recognition, status, or envy) and have little or no ability to listen, care, or understand the needs of others.
My mother was never formally diagnosed, as few narcissists seek treatment or even realize they have a problem, but as I grew older, the signs were all around me.
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For women, narcissism is often expressed through their children’s status and “success” as parents (think Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment, and all those drag queen moms). Narcissism ranges from a personality trait, such as extroversion or self-esteem, to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Narcissists, says Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of The Narcissism Epidemic, have levels of self-absorption, entitlement, mistrust, perfectionism, grandiosity, and emotional detachment that affect their performance and persist over a long period.
Even as a child, I felt that my mother’s behavior was inappropriate. I remember feeling embarrassed when she put her hand on my shoulder and announced to her friends that the reason she was having children was to have grandchildren.
I knew my mother was very far on the narcissism spectrum, but I wasn’t sure I was all that damaged as a result. Until then, I’ve reached page 118 of Will I Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Caryl McBride, Ph.D. I had it all in front of me: the precise account of how my last relationship developed and collapsed.
According to McBride, when times get tough, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may become codependent and “end up suffocating [her boyfriend or husband] with her overwhelming demands, jealousy, and insecurity. She will want him to be with her at all times.” She expects him to meet all her needs, especially her emotional needs…[When he cannot] she will feel the same disappointment and emptiness that she felt as a child and blame her husband.”
As I continued reading, I humbly thought: The good news is that I can improve; The bad news is that I’m not the only one who comes from a narcissistic parent and feels unqualified for love and dating.
Not the only one at all. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) estimates that 0.5 to 1 percent of people in the United States have narcissistic personality disorder, and the American Psychiatric Association estimates that there are 1.5 million American women with the diagnosis.
It may be on the rise. According to Campbell, more than nine percent of people in their 20s show enough symptoms of narcissism to be classified as narcissists, compared to just over three percent of people over 65, although it’s too early to know Whether or not the symptoms of your twenties will dissipate. age.
In homes where it is “all about the mother,” the mother gets all the attention and admiration, leaving little for the father and the children.
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A mother’s focus may be on appearance, achievement, or status, but either way, when it comes to her children, the focus is more on what they do and not who they are. In the eyes of the mother, everything the children do reflects on her. Instead of the child being loved and cherished, he “bears the burden of carrying the spotlight and shining it on his mother,” says Al-Bahari.
After years of feeding their mothers’ egos, these children emerge into adulthood without a strong sense of self. Unlike children from healthy families who “grow up feeling internally confident,” Beharie explains, women raised by narcissistic mothers “walk around feeling like their only value is meeting everyone’s expectations.”
Having never experienced true love, children of narcissistic parents often have what McBride calls “a legacy of distorted love…based on either what I can do for you or what you can do for me.”
When the daughter of a narcissist begins a relationship, McBride says, she may look for someone she can take care of (someone else to shine the spotlight on, if you will) and end up in a codependent relationship.
These women may choose men who are narcissistic themselves, or who cannot truly love them for who they are. The way daughters of narcissists choose partners “is very similar to people who grow up with abuse. They may be reenacting the pattern they had as a child,” Bihari says. So, they go from narcissistic mother to narcissistic partner.
There is another option: withdrawal. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, calls this “counter-dependency.” “Co-dependents fear intimacy and get stuck in cycles of hesitant approach followed by avoidance of commitment,” Vaknin told YourTango.
Even if the daughter chooses a partner, her mother’s focus on superficial appearances—appearance, money, education, job title—rather than emotions and compatibility can interfere with the relationship moving forward. When I brought home a photo of my graduate school boyfriend, whom I’ll call Ben, my mother stared at the photo. “Is this what all the fuss is about?”
Ben and I stayed together for four years, including visits to meet my parents, which seemed more like job interviews than friendly family get-togethers. At one point, Ben proposed and then decided to turn it down. One of the reasons he gave for not wanting to tie the knot was because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get involved with my mother. This is not uncommon.
When men meet their mothers, Bihari explains, “They feel like they’re under a microscope. They look at the mother and think: ‘Is this what my wife or girlfriend will be like in 20 years?’
Fearing constant judgment and maternal interference in every aspect of their lives, a boyfriend’s feelings for his girlfriend may not be enough. In the end, he would admit that he couldn’t be with that mother-in-law.
After the marriage proposal fell through, Ben and I stayed together for a year trying to work it out. I oscillated between codependency and dependency, entitlement (I deserve this relationship to work), and blame (it’s all Ben’s fault). I asked myself over and over again: “What would my mother think?”
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As I thought about the answer, I couldn’t bear the thought of telling her that I had failed. According to Vaknin, children of narcissists fear abandonment and relationship failure and may be under intense pressure to accept relationship red flags or bail out of sinking ships.
For daughters of narcissists, breakups can cause a breakdown equivalent to post-traumatic stress, according to McBride.
A few years of regular dating and breakups can be devastating. “Every [breakup] lowers their self-esteem, and they often think they might never find someone who cares about them for who they are,” McBride says.
I don’t think my mother meant to hurt me; I think she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. When she says to me, “I’m sorry your relationship failed,” you think she’s empathizing. But she didn’t teach me how to love or be loved, and she’s not a relationship role model — or even helpful. Ultimately, Campbell says, “There’s no silver bullet… You have to be old enough to understand it and make the most of it.”
The best medicine for children of narcissists, according to Bihari, is having people to mediate: friends, other family members, or a mentor who can step in and intervene. I have come to rely on my friends, my sister, and my friends for emotional support.
They helped me see that my worth doesn’t come from being married, having kids, or climbing to the top of the ladder at my job. These relationships have boosted my self-confidence, so now I don’t have to wonder, “What will my mom think?”
In addition to surrounding yourself with loving friends, Campbell recommends encouraging your mother when she’s sympathetic or concerned about telling her what a good mother she is.
Use their personality to your advantage, and hopefully, they will increase the behavior you want in the long run.
Bihari suggests a different approach: hold mom accountable. Narcissists do not like to hear about their mistakes and often become aggressive when confronted with mistakes. (When I told my mother that there were aspects of my high school years that I would change, she told me that she thought she had been a “perfect parent.”)
