Being an empathetic person and having the superpower of emotional reasoning is something to be proud of. However, sometimes your empathy and emotional thinking can prevent you from seeing the red flags of toxic people, especially narcissists.
“I left feeling like I wasn’t good enough”
“I am always waiting for his call.”
“She never seems to listen to me.”
“I feel like I always have to respond right away.”
“I don’t feel stable.”
“I always feel like I’m being scrutinized.”
“I feel like I’m out of my depth.”
“I always wonder if he’s serious or flirting with me, I just have a hard time telling.”
“I can’t think of anything other than him.”
“It makes me feel left out.”
“It seems like I’m always running after him.”
“I always feel like I have to please them.”
“I feel like I’m on trial.”
“I always find myself having to explain myself.”
“It feels more like a commitment than a friendship.”
“I often wonder what’s going on.”
“I was left feeling insecure about myself.”
“I feel like I’m always connected to her.”
“I still get jealous and it makes me feel bad.”
“I longed for him to leave her and be with me.”
“If I express an opinion I feel unfair in doing so.”
“It’s great when we’re together, but then I feel so insecure when we’re apart.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t mean to make me nervous, but I do.”
“I don’t think I’m good enough.”
“I don’t want to let her down.”
“Nothing seems to be bothering him and I am very concerned. I will put it off.”
“I don’t understand why he’s still in contact with her, but I don’t feel like I can say anything.”
“I’m nervous I’m going to screw this up and it’s so cool.”
“Nothing specific, but something is making me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just me.”
Undoubtedly, many of you will find that some of the above comments will resonate with you.
You were created with passionate sympathy. This has formed the bedrock of your worldview and perspective. This is consistent with the majority perspective and forms the basis for those subjective attributes of what is considered “good” and “bad”. Since you operate within the perspective of the majority, it is your perspective of “good” and “bad” that prevails.
Related: MY CLOSURE from a Narcissist
How your emotional thinking prevents you from seeing the true nature of a narcissist
When you come across something that goes against this majority perspective, you often don’t see it as a clear and shining example. Instead, you have a “feeling” or “gut instinct.” This is a manifestation of behavior that contradicts your emotional worldview. This is your alarm bell.
There are those of you who do not ring the alarm bell often at all, although the number is limited. For most empaths, the alarm bell rings through some kind of feeling encapsulated in many of the statements detailed above and more.
So far, very effective. You have a deeply held view of the world shaped by your emotional empathy. When you encounter behavior that runs counter to this empathic worldview, an alarm bell goes off. Since it is one of a kind (and it is always one of a kind) that has caused this alarm bell to ring, that is when the trouble starts.
Either you think the cause is an external cause of this alarm bell, like:
The person is tired or stressed
The person is drunk
The individual is stressed
The individual is experiencing grief or bereavement
The individual is under some kind of pressure
The individual suffers from anger management issues
The individual is highly stressed
There are others besides that.
Related: The Aging Female Collapsed Narcissist
The alternative is that you believe the cause is an internal cause, i.e. your behavior, such as:
You are very sensitive
I’ve been hurt before
You are very direct
You think badly of people very quickly
You trust too
You weren’t listening
I judged too early
You are tired, upset, tense
You are insensitive to the needs of others
I was worried
There are others besides that.
Accordingly, when the alarm bell rings, you end up attributing the sensation that something is wrong either to an external cause because you are the problem.
this is not true.
It’s similar to a burglar alarm going off and you think it’s a passing cat or you’ve tripped on the sensor yourself. He was the thief.
Something that offends your worldview offends the logic of your world. Your logic seeks to warn you by creating a feeling or sensation (the alarm bell) so that you take action.
Unfortunately, two factors interfere with this warning system.
The first is a lack of understanding of the nature of the individual generating the behavior causing the alarm. Red flags indicate that he is a narcissist who engages in behaviors that damage your worldview.
The second is the vague nature of your emotional thinking that does not want you to pay attention to the actual source of the alarm and instead diverts you into believing that it is the external source (not true) or your fault (also not true).
Your emotional thinking does not want you to adhere to the logic of your world. He doesn’t want you to act on the concern by identifying the real cause (the narcissist) and then taking the logical step of avoiding further hurt (more feelings that something is wrong) by distancing yourself from the real cause (the narcissist).
Related: The Ageing Narcissist
Your emotional thinking does not want to do what is best for you. It does not want you to know the actual source of the alarm or act on that alarm. He wants you to look in the wrong place and take the wrong course of action in order to stay engaged with the narcissist.
Votre pensée émotionnelle ne concerne pas votre santé physique, votre satisfaction émotionnelle, votre santé mentale ou l’état de votre solde bancaire. Il n’est pas intéressé à traiter avec une personne saine, normale et bien disciplinée. Cela n’a pas d’importance pour votre pensée émotionnelle.
Pour très peu d’entre vous, il n’y a pas de système d’alarme inhérent et vous devez en construire un. C’est un travail difficile, mais réalisable.
Pour la grande majorité d’entre vous, vous avez un système d’alarme mais celui-ci est infecté et provoque des dysfonctionnements en vous faisant chercher le problème au mauvais endroit et ne pas agir sur le problème réel. Heureusement pour vous, ce système de fausses alarmes peut être corrigé même s’il nécessite un entretien fréquent et continu, ce qui en vaut bien sûr la peine.
Il y a une bonne raison pour laquelle vous sentez que quelque chose ne va pas. C’est votre système d’alerte précoce, mais il n’est pas parfait et il est essentiel que vous en soyez conscient et que vous compreniez qu’ici vous pouvez améliorer son fonctionnement.
