How do I know I’m not a narcissist??? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this overheated question. But let me tell you. Asking yourself this is evidence of the fact that the narcissist is inside your head, and that the abuse is working.

It is also clear evidence that you are simply not a narcissist.

Reading these few words won’t convince you, right?

I think for you to be asking yourself this, your journey of recovery has progressed to the point where you have done a lot of reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

You are at the stage where you have a firm grip on the disorder, its symptoms, and the manipulation strategies used in narcissistic abuse.

This has to be the case otherwise you would not have to worry that you are a narcissist, because this phenomenon and the behaviors associated with it do not mean much to you at the moment.

With all the information you have gathered, and more importantly because of the narcissist’s brainwashing about who you are and what you are, the question bothers you… You are examining yourself, your behaviors, and the things you have done that you have not done and that you could be doing. Just being labeled a narcissist…and here you are in downtown Fricottsville.

This article assumes these two things: 1) you’re pretty clear about NPD (for a refresher on terminology, see the glossary), and 2) the idea of being a drug scares you to death.

This is your heavy dose of logic that you are not NARC!

Reasons why you should ask “How do I know I am not a narcissist?”

Disempowerment
The methods a narcissist uses to undermine your understanding and belief in your identity are all focused on breaking your spirit, maintaining power and control over you. They do this for several reasons.

The first is to feed their addiction, which is to provide external confirmation of their beliefs. This prompts the need for constant reinforcement from you (and from everything around them) that they are superior, special, capable of everything, and entitled to everything they desire in this world. This is the “supply” the narcissist needs to survive.

The second main reason is to ensure your disempowerment. After all, as long as you feel this way, you believe you are trapped in the relationship with them.

It also means that your resistance to satisfying their addiction by meeting all their demands is reduced to zero. Providing for the narc becomes your priority, as it is and always will be theirs.

Enter gaslighting which for the moment we will consider all the manipulations used to achieve your disempowerment. These are the tools used to brainwash you into believing that you cannot trust your understanding of reality, or your mental health.

When you are in this space, you have lost all confidence in yourself. You are completely helpless.

This is exactly where they want you. Doubting everything you know about yourself and reality is the foundation necessary for the narc to get away with almost anything.

brainwashing
During devaluation, brainwashing tactics come at you hard and fast. Let’s zoom in on a few to see how the narc plants the seed in your mind that you are a narcissist (and waters it well, with plenty of fertilizer for strong growth).

1. Projection: Denial is the basis of all narcissistic defense mechanisms to protect the false self from confronting any truth about reality. The narcissist is unable to accept that he has any flaws, and uses projection as a defense mechanism to attribute to you what is unacceptable in itself.

This of course means that narcissistic traits are regularly cited as your flaws. Examples of your listed faults might include “You are too selfish,” “You think everything should be about you,” “You are too manipulative” and so on.

2. Blame You: Likewise, a narcissist cannot take any responsibility for any negative behaviors. A favorite “go to” when making attempts to hold the narc accountable is to blame yourself for the issues raised.

In this scenario, you will get a dose of projection (ie: a diatribe about your narcissistic traits) being the cause of their behavior. For example, “You made me look at other men/women elsewhere.” “If you weren’t so abusive/controlling/self-centered, I wouldn’t need this.”

3. The “poor me” routine used:

a) with you to reinforce suspicions about who the offending party is and to arouse your sympathy for them and fear of retaliation if you do not increase your offer; And

b) In smear campaigns with others, which are also used to gain sympathy for them as the “aggrieved party” and to garner support that you may just be a narcissist.

You found the idea.

It’s more clear now, isn’t it?

But you still ask, yes but “How do I know I’m not a narcissist?” I mean 100% I know.

Intention test
So, here’s the thing.

Believe it or not, asking yourself “How do I know I’m not a narcissist” means the fog of brainwashing has lifted. Necessarily, this comes along with the realization that the person you are in a relationship with (or have been in a relationship with) is a bad person and likely has BPD.

You are now able to recognize what is what. You are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You truly hold the narc responsible for his abuse.

I’ve been through hell. Simple and pure. It may come slowly, but eventually you will also likely feel the need to share your story with those you trust as part of your healing journey.

The power of narcissistic abuse is stubborn. You think about these things and you come full circle…doubt creeps back in. “Wait a minute,” you think, “Am I not doing exactly the same things a narc does?” Projecting, blaming and asking for sympathy from loved ones?’…’Who says they’re wrong and I’m right, what’s the difference here??’…Aaaargh, ‘How do I know I’m not a narcissist?’

The big, great thing is that your intention contradicts theirs.

Quick recap. The narc’s intention to project, blame, and use your “poor routine” is to weaken and brainwash you into questioning reality and your own mental health.

Now think about where you come from.

You believe you have suffered narcissistic abuse, and the responsibility for that lies entirely with the narcissist, because these are facts.

You share your story because you need to be heard after being silenced for so long. It’s also how you receive the validation you desperately need to begin healing from the annihilation you experienced.

You speak your truth, reality, in order to heal.

big difference. huge.

Logic test
Still not sold? Well, let’s get started.

You know you’re not a narc because…

1. Asking yourself “How do I know I’m not a narcissist” means you’re worried that you might be. Mmmmm, yes!!! I hear you say frustratedly… maybe a little crossly…

My point lies in the word “concerned”. Feeling this way necessarily means that for you, the idea of feeling entitled to cause pain by controlling, degrading, and manipulating others with the ultimate goal of stripping them of all power and sense of worth is abhorrent.

2. Furthermore, your interest indicates understanding a) how horrific the behavior is, and b) its impact on the victims. To understand and feel these concepts, you must have empathy. As you know, a true narcissist is devoid of empathy.
3. Your aversion to the possibility of behaving like a narcissist, of course, means you don’t want to be that way. It is therefore fair to consider that disgust will be a tremendous driver of change.

For growth to occur, certain conditions must be met as well as the will to change. The first involves honest critical thinking about your actions and behaviors. The second is identifying and taking ownership of the unwanted behaviors you want to change. Let’s call this self-reflection. Pursuing the answer to the question, “How do I know I’m not a narcissist?” It is an act of self-reflection (which you are doing now, by the way…).

In living a life dominated by the false self, the narcissist operates through denial. Both reality and the true self have been set aside. The narc is thus incapable of many aspects required for critical self-reflection and thus growth. It contradicts the narcissistic modus operandi on multiple levels. A belief system that clings to the belief of superiority over others simply does not allow for these possibilities.

By definition, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to view themselves as less than superior to others; Feel no sense of personal responsibility; They have no empathy for others. These traits make the need for self-reflection redundant. After all there is no need to revise or change, what is already perfect.

4. As you do self-reflection, you will come across behaviors and actions that make you uncomfortable, things that you would not be entirely proud of in your time with a narcissist. Things that can be compared to narcissistic traits, for example anger, jealousy, aggression, etc.

Great one. Stop.

Think about what you’ve been through. Hell. Can anyone go through hell and not react? No, they can’t.

You can accept that you’re not perfect, right? Your ego allows it. So forgive yourself now for your humanity, and for how you managed to survive hell.

Boom – you are not the narcissist. impossible. No, how.

Remember who you are

Easy rest. Disturb that voice that keeps asking the question. You know you’re not a narc. Stop giving the narcissist more of your time or energy by dealing with this ridiculous idea he or she has planted in your mind.

Use your valuable time and energy instead and advance your recovery. From now on, every time you hear that voice creeping up on you, promise me you’ll meet it by remembering who you are.

start now! Read these out loud:

I care about others. I’m sympathetic. I’m sympathetic. These are my gifts.’*
“I am open and embrace growth.” I grow without fear knowing that my heart is kind and gentle.
“I am strong, resourceful and able to survive any situation.”
“I trust who I am. Everything I need lies within me.”
Yes Dear! you are really awesome.

Please share your thoughts or questions below. Have you addressed this question? What are your tips for others on adhering to self-truth? Sharing and encouraging others is so essential in helping us all on our journey to recovery – so thank you!

*I just finished reading Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie – what a great book! It is very useful as an introduction to how all Cluster B disorders are devastating to those in relationships with them. Mackenzie reviews the emotional process of waking up to abuse, and what to expect during recovery.

This is a fairly typical written outline for this topic. Mackenzie’s book has an additional specialization. They emerge with a clear mission around celebrating compassion, dreaminess, and the gifts the world has to offer. Unfortunately, these are the same traits that narcissists often target. So I know this book will speak to many of you and remind you to protect and appreciate what makes you so amazing.

Also, Mackenzie sometimes writes as a poet (a comic poet!) which makes reading this difficult subject of victims a softer experience than the more clinical/dry style found in similar titles. loved it.