Since the 1970s, “self-esteem” has become a buzzword among parents, teachers, and psychologists. Parents hear that they need to instill self-esteem in children if they want them to grow up to be happy, productive adults. Teachers believe that self-esteem is the key to academic success, so they turn criticism into praise for fear of damaging young people’s emerging sense of self-worth. Furthermore, therapists and life coaches advise clients with low self-esteem to “fake it til you make it,” as if the feeling of self-worth comes from within rather than from without.
Much research shows that there is a relationship between self-esteem and subjective well-being or an overall feeling of happiness in life. From here we understand the motivation to build self-esteem among the next generation.
Although the intentions are good, Dutch psychologists Eddie Bromelman, Sander Thomas, and Constantine Sedikides claim that the methods we often use to raise self-esteem may be creating a generation of monsters.
There is a long debate among personality psychologists about whether personality is stable or changes over time. Some psychologists claim that personality traits are hereditary and therefore present at birth. We can call this a “solid” model – your character may get some dents and dents as you go through life, but it maintains its overall shape. Other psychologists claim that your experiences shape your personality. We can call this “flexible” mode because your personality adapts to different circumstances throughout your life.
A third group of psychologists takes a middle position. They assert that personality is fluid in childhood but is determined in adolescence or early adulthood. We can call this the “Jell-O” personality model. If you believe that the way people behave as adults depends on how they were raised as children, then you are subscribing to the Jell-O model. (Otherwise, you will blame the behavior either on genes or on the current situation.)
Brummelman and colleagues acknowledge that there is some evidence of a genetic component to both self-esteem and narcissism. However, they also argue that the most important factor lies in childhood interactions with parents, teachers, and other important adults.
Although self-esteem and narcissism have some similar traits, researchers say they are fundamentally different. Hence, in trying to instill self-esteem in our children, we may encourage narcissistic tendencies instead.
The prevailing wisdom is that narcissism is simply inflated self-esteem, but researchers say the difference is much bigger than just a degree. Both self-esteem and narcissism depend on people’s perceptions of how others evaluate them. However, narcissists and those with high self-esteem view their social world differently, and this greatly affects the way they think about themselves and others.
Narcissists view their social world as vertical. There is a pecking order, and everyone is either above or below them. There are no equals. Thus, the narcissist’s goal is to get ahead – by hook or by crook – and he will use relationships to rise to the top.
Those with high self-esteem view their social world as horizontal, in which all group members are on equal footing. They seek to conform, not to move forward. They build deep and intimate relationships with others. In other words, they view relationships as goals in themselves, rather than as a means to achieve superiority or bolster their fragile sense of self-worth.
In short, narcissists view themselves as superior, while people with high self-esteem view themselves as worthy.
Signs of self-esteem and narcissism begin to appear around the age of seven. This is the time when children begin to develop a global sense of self as well as the social perception skills to judge how they compare to others and how others view them. By adolescence, the personality shifts into either a self-esteem mold or a narcissism mold. There are ways to learn how not to raise a narcissist.
To test this theory, researchers conducted a long-term study in which they measured children’s personalities and observed the ways their parents interacted with them. They found that children who developed high self-esteem had parents who also expressed fondness and affection toward them, but did not over-praise them. However, children who developed narcissistic tendencies had parents who showered them with praise and constantly compared them to other children who accomplished less than they did. In sum, parental warmth led to self-esteem, whereas parental overestimation led to narcissism.
Brummelman and colleagues suggest several interventions to help children develop high self-esteem while avoiding narcissistic tendencies and offer parents ways how not to raise a narcissist.
First, they suggest that parents and teachers praise children for their achievements without comparing them to their peers. The difference between “Great job!” and “You’re the best!” Subtle as it may be, the former conveys merit – the essence of self-esteem – while the latter conveys superiority – the essence of narcissism. Second, parents should steer their children away from narcissistic thinking by encouraging them to think of ways to be similar to their peers rather than superior to them.
The third intervention proposed by the researchers targets children who show signs of low self-esteem. These children need important adults in their lives to help them correctly interpret remarks that others make about them. People with low self-esteem, whether children or adults, tend to reject praise and focus on criticism. Adults need to reassure these children that they deserve the positive comments they receive and that they should take criticism as constructive feedback.
Proper care and nurturing of children’s emerging sense of self put them on the path to healthy self-esteem – well before the formation of a gelatinous personality.
