How do you talk to a narcissist without going crazy? The easy answer is not to talk to them.

But sometimes we can’t go no or modify the contact. Maybe you are working with this narcissist. Or they may be a family member that you need to see at jobs. Or maybe you’re still addicted to it, trying to work through things and you’re not quite ready to call it a day.

I understand… it happens.

So, with all of that in mind, I want to help you make it clear in this article — why talking to a narcissist can make you feel like a madman, and how to navigate things so that they don’t.

Why do narcissists get under your skin so much

This is why talking to a narcissist without going crazy is so difficult — they simply don’t have the same agenda with conversations that regular people do. Normal, non-narcissistic people do not have agendas for conversations. They just have conversations.

The narcissist’s agenda is untidy. it is to control you; to avoid accountability; To manipulate, remove pain, anger, influence, stimulation, and get the ego fed by greatly influencing another emotionally (acquiring a narcissistic supply).

Therefore, a conversation with a narcissist is not just a conversation.

It is an exchange with a harmful false self-agenda. When the narcissist is in the love-blowing phase, unfortunately, our false self, our ego, is attached to it and working with it.

That is, the unhealed and unresolved parts of us that our subconscious does not think are worthy or likable, or worthy of validation or cared for, devour manipulative praise and promises like any hungry man or woman.

However, something inside knows this isn’t helpful. Something just seems a little off, but of course, we ignore it. We want to believe that this person is our source of love, safety, or survival, and entirely in our defense, we may have no idea that people like this existed and therefore what we were walking into.

Over time, not only do we see this “very nice” person lose a lot of their “former authenticity.” We also experience verbal attacks, head-on twists and turns, and quite frankly, the overt insanity that goes along with the narcissist’s conversations.

I call it the three-episode narcissistic circus, and at least one of those episodes is a total freak show.

Let’s take a look at the conversational methods I wrote about in my article Are You With a Narcissist?

• Avoidance: Refusing to acknowledge or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
• Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for behavior that are not real or valid excuses.
• Accusations: Blaming someone else for the offense.
• False Apology: Saying “Sorry” is not a real apology and expecting you to accept it.
• Ignorance: claiming that you didn’t say that; which is never discussed; Or the narcissist never said that.
• Confusion: making antics on trivial points in the conversation to change and confuse the focus.
• Projection: stating “I did wrong” about a particular topic, using ammunition from the past that is unrelated to the current incident.
• Using allies: quoting people, real or imagined, to support the “story” of excuses or to discredit you.
• Closing: not wanting to have a conversation or leaving the scene to avoid scrutiny.
• Shifting focus: Responding with displeasure with your body language or tone of voice to steer the conversation away from the wrong action.
• Persecution: State how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you accuse them of.
• Denial: Saying that these events are in the past and that your fears and insecurities are driving you to make these accusations.
• Defamation: Saying you’re a negative person and always looking for “conspiracy theory” in your conversations.
• Threat: Invoke abandonment or punishment if you continue to accuse.
• Entitlement: Asking you to recognize the positive things they have done for you and that it is not fair for you to focus on the negatives.
• Lying: Statement that they have given explanation and reassurance, or have done the trusted thing when such actions were not forthcoming.
• Conviction: You go through the “I did the right thing” story and then get mad at yourself for calling them, liars.
• Justification: Saying “I did that” because of your behavior and because you make me do these things.
• Incitement: using a distorted comment, relevant or irrelevant, to incite you to anger and blame.
• Competition: Mentioning all the things they weren’t happy about with you, as a “one-by-one” retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.
• These are all elaborate defense mechanisms that are very common among narcissists. As you read through this list, you may become familiar with many or all of these tactics. It’s off-limits behaviors that mean you’re dealing with a personality disorder that’s too unhealthy to have conversations with.

The fact of the matter is this – if you’re trying to have a sane, sensible conversation with someone who’s sick, you’re going to get sick.