Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who “buries his or her true self in response to early trauma and replaces it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.”
This alter ego often appears inflated, “above others,” manipulative, self-absorbed, and deeply insensitive.
It’s not easy to be negatively affected by the machinations of a chronic narcissist, especially if that individual is your romantic partner, parent, child, relative, friend, coworker, or supervisor. How do you tell someone they’re acting like a narcissist? Here are four effective communication ideas, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change to Your Higher Self. The first two tips are indirect, the second two are direct. Use them as appropriate depending on the situation.
- Ask Clarifying Questions
One good way to diplomatically draw someone’s attention to their narcissistic behavior is to ask clarifying questions. For example, when you notice the narcissist making unreasonable demands or requests (such as expecting you to always do things his way, or manipulating you to meet his selfish needs), focus on the behavior by asking some probing questions to see if the narcissist has enough self-awareness to recognize the unfairness of the plan.
For example:
“Does this seem reasonable to you?”
“Does what you want from me seem fair?”
“Do I have a say in this?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“Do you expect me to…?”
When you ask the above questions, you are holding up a mirror so the narcissist can see the true nature of his plan.
- Use humor and wit
Humor and wit are powerful communication tools. Years ago, I was at a friend’s dinner party when one of the guests, who was known for being inconsiderately self-absorbed, ate a disproportionate amount of appetizers. When the host commented that the appetizers, a delicacy divided equally among each guest, were supposed to be shared by all, the narcissist dismissively said, “I’m fine,” and ate more. The host responded with humor, “Of course, you’re fine because that’s all that matters.” The guest finally got the hint and behaved politely throughout the rest of the evening.
When used appropriately, humor and wit can shed light on the truth, defuse difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure.
- Separate the behavior from the person
One often effective way to point out a person’s narcissism, while still allowing for individual flexibility to change, is to separate the behavior from the person. For example, instead of saying, “You’re a narcissist,” say, “You’re acting like a narcissist,” or, “This [identify behavior] is narcissistic.”
Saying, “You’re a narcissist” implies that this is who the person is and that there’s no way to change. On the other hand, saying “You’re acting like a narcissist” or “This behavior is narcissistic” suggests that the person has the power to change by making different, better choices.
- Ask Directly if the Person is a Narcissist
The final tip is to simply ask someone who displays a clear pattern of narcissistic traits, “Are you a narcissist?” or “Do you consider yourself a narcissist?” These straightforward questions may seem surprising, but research suggests that many narcissists, when confronted with the topic, not only publicly acknowledge their narcissism, but also take pride in it. Since narcissists often feel inadequate on the inside, bragging about their selfish appearance provides a temporary distraction from their deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.
Of course, it often takes more than an indirect or even a direct reminder to compel a narcissist to become more reasonable, to reconsider his or her actions, or to treat you with respect.
