For many of us, the holidays bring up complex feelings about our basic human needs for home, family, love, and belonging. For those of us with narcissistic family members, this time of year tends to intensify our hopes and fears about meeting these needs, and we may find ourselves oscillating between highs and lows as we seek the validation we crave while trying to avoid the conflict we’ve come to fear.
This holiday season doesn’t have to crash and burn in discord and disappointment. Here are strategies to enhance the positive aspects of family holiday time while protecting yourself from the drama and boundary violations that often occur in narcissistic families.
- Adjust Your Expectations. People with narcissistic personalities miss out on key childhood developmental milestones that leave them with an unstable sense of identity and self-esteem, little emotional empathy or self-reflection, poor emotional regulation, and little understanding of human emotion. Narcissists are by definition extremely selfish and will always put their needs above yours, even when they tell you they only want the best for you. It’s understandable that you want your narcissistic family members to listen, understand, and act in your best interest, but the sooner you stop expecting them to do things beyond their ability to do, the easier it will be to end the cycles of hurt, anger, and disappointment.
- Manage yourself, not others. You may have ingrained patterns of nurturing, appeasing, distracting, evading, charming, or trying to manage the difficult personalities of your parents, siblings, and/or other relatives. Your coping strategies made sense when you were younger and were your best tools for survival. But recognizing that you ultimately cannot control what others think, feel, say, and do is key to your emotional survival now as an adult. This means being clear and confident about what you will and will not tolerate and being willing to follow through to maintain your boundaries.
- Avoid Drama. Narcissists thrive on attention and often create drama and conflict around themselves. Whether they dominate the room through bullying, showboating, or controlling through passive-aggressive manipulation, they will drag you into battle if you let them. Resisting the urge to respond to temptation, blame others, manipulate, and other controlling maneuvers will preserve your sanity.
- Resist Defensiveness. It’s natural to feel defensive around narcissists. Their insecure need for self-support and callous disregard for the feelings of others drives them to constantly invalidate those around them. It’s natural to react to their often unfair and cruel behavior, but showing pain or anger and trying to explain or justify yourself makes you vulnerable and opens you up to further harm. Try to stay calm and don’t jeopardize your feelings and self-esteem.
- Take Time Out. During the holidays, we often fall into patterns where we feel obligated to move on and allow others to dictate how we spend our time. Narcissistic family members often demand excessive attention and do not respect others’ need for boundaries. This makes it very important for you to respect your legitimate need for time away, whether to rest, exercise, meditate, work, see friends or other family members, or simply recharge on your own. Approaching your choices in a humble, realistic way that does not invite discussion or judgment is often the best approach.
- Let go of your need to control. Trying to exert control is an understandable response to the chaos that often characterizes life in a narcissistic family, and you may have perfectionistic or other controlling impulses as a result. But trying to impose an agenda or control outcomes leaves you vulnerable to power struggles, therapist blame, and disappointment. Try to check your overly responsible and controlling tendencies at the door and go with the flow.
- Practice ahead of time. Narcissists often catch people off guard with intrusive questions, rude comments, demands, and other forms of attack. You can’t anticipate everything that might go wrong, but you can think ahead about potential points of conflict or vulnerability and practice how to handle them. For example, if you recently ended a relationship and are afraid to discuss it, think about other things in your life that you can focus on with your nosy family members, like the promotion you just got or the trip you’re taking this summer.
- Find positive ways to connect. It’s not always possible, but there are often ways we can connect even with the narcissist in our family that can be fun, helpful, and affirming. Find common areas to focus on, such as shared interests, humor, or experiences. Find ways to show affection that feels genuine and safe to you as well as to your narcissistic family member. If positive interaction doesn’t work, try focusing on others in the family who you trust and enjoy being around.
- Do the things you love. It’s easy to lose track of what we love and want when we’re with demanding family members. But it’s your vacation and maybe your vacation time, too, and you have the right to enjoy yourself just as much as anyone else. Remember to make time to do the things you love, whether that’s walking the dog, playing with the kids, skiing, or baking your favorite Christmas cookies.
- Turn to reason. If there are people in your life who understand your family dynamics and are willing to support you, ask for it. Having an outlet to vent your pain and frustration and get an outside perspective can go a long way in keeping your mind at ease during the holidays in your narcissistic family.
