It makes me cringe when I think about how much time I’ve wasted in my life, obsessing and humiliating myself in a never-ending search for validation. It’s always been impossible for me to figure out how to stop seeking validation. No matter what age or stage I was in, there was always someone I was convinced that if I worked harder and gave more, I would get crumbs of validation. These crumbs would not only save me from myself but would also invalidate everyone and everything that had ever caused me pain (including the jeering crowd in my head). Life could finally begin.

Searching for validation is a form of perfectionism, and perfectionism is the worst standard you can hold yourself to. We become addicted to perfectionism because deep down we know that we can never be perfect. And because we know that we are holding ourselves to an unattainable standard, we become avoidant; afraid to face ourselves and the time we’ve wasted.

So what do we do? We also invest in the bullshit mentality:

“You must win. You must be chosen. You must prove yourself wrong. You must be the exception to the toxic person’s rule. You must make the cat bark.”

The same goes for seeking validation.

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Just like perfection, seeking validation can rob you of the ability to process your past, live in the present, and experience what is destined for you in the future.

When you live your life based solely on a force outside of your control (the opinions of others), you give up your right to take action, attract available relationships, and find meaning within. You are willingly committing emotional suicide.

By surrendering to the life of the walking dead, you become unable to truly “live” until you are revived by the validation of a toxic person.

I used to rely on both positive and negative validation to take any action in my life. I needed the validation of lovers and friends to push me to act and the validation of doubters and haters to push me to prove them wrong.

The result was that I eventually degenerated into someone who talked, planned, thought, hoped, dreamed… and that was it. I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation and because of that I completely lost my innate ability to execute.

Plans, ideas, hopes, and dreams are great, but without the motivation to execute, they’re all just empty words. All you’re left with is an anchor for your excuses.

I was the most validation-dependent person in my romantic relationships. Because I never got more than crumbs from my emotionally and mentally bankrupt partner, I relied heavily on negative validation in the form of spying and probing.

Looking back, I think I was spying in the subconscious hope of finding something that would hurt me enough to make me work/try harder in the relationship (and blame myself, even more, when I couldn’t be “enough” for them to change/commit/be honest with me).

Once we broke up, my need for validation didn’t go away.

Somehow it got worse.

Because I never felt right in the relationship, I made it my mission to get that much-deserved validation now that I broke up. It took me years to realize that you can’t expect someone to act a certain way (connected, empathetic, honest, respectful, reasonable) outside of a relationship with you and that they can’t be in a relationship with you consistently.

Because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I needed my ex to provide me with post-breakup validation in the form of…

Recognizing and acknowledging that he was wrong.
Understanding how much pain he caused me (and the “consequences” of it).

Acknowledging all of his problems.
Acknowledging what I couldn’t even recognize in myself: that he ruined my relationship with an amazing, irreplaceable person.
Running back and begging for a second chance the moment I broke up with him.
Giving me an emotional gold star for detailing what he put me through.
Acknowledging his mistakes and then making more false promises about the future.
Giving me the closure I deserved.
After a “long talk,” I realized that I was “the one” and he could never do better.

None of the above happened. The only thing that happened as a result of (pathetically) seeking this kind of validation was the complete disintegration of my self-esteem (and a plausible excuse for my ex to portray himself as a victim and me as someone who could be validated).

Reading the above points drains and embarrasses me. It’s easy to talk and express your feelings, but when you get to the point where you’re trying to get an adult to admit that something was hurtful… that’s not only unattractive, it’s a red flag.

Everyone needs boundaries, standards, and limits. I didn’t have any.

I’ve experienced this in friendships, too. It’s been a hamster wheel of “please choose me… please tell me that I’m enough… that I’m worth fighting for… that I’m worth inviting/calling/texting/remembering… that I’m special enough to be your best friend, etc.”

Because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I didn’t realize how easy it was to get people to walk away from me (and never look back).

I was attracting situations that catered to my fear of abandonment and reinforced my belief that I was forgettable.

Here’s how to stop seeking validation for good so you can live an extraordinary life on your terms.

Today, I’m no longer seeking validation. I don’t care to spy on or investigate anyone I’m with because I’m too busy enjoying them and our relationship.

Remember: you will always attract what you exude.

I finally have an emotional life of my own. Because I can now take care of my emotional needs and validate myself, I no longer need anyone to tell me who I am or give me an assessment of my worth.

I don’t care to compete with my ex or other women or participate in it. I stay in my lane, on my white horse, and because of that, I’ve become able to appreciate people for the lessons and the speakers/faders they reveal.

I no longer prioritize being seen, heard, right, “winning,” being the “get you!” police and having the last word. I no longer have to worry about securing a place (at the expense of my dignity) in the “the one who got away from me” zone. When you can validate yourself, you become the one who got away from me by default.

Related : How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart

I have let go of the expectations of others, and as a result, I have raised the expectations I hold for myself. Validation from outside sources is no longer tempting. Integrity and dignity have now replaced what was once a bottomless pit of insecurity and a hunger for reminders that I was not as invisible as I felt. I am no longer willing to be anyone’s emotional training wheel because I no longer make everything revolve around me and my perceived lack of worth. Everything is less painful and dramatic, and all the concerted effort I used to put in is now effortless because I am no longer dependent on anyone else’s compass. I have regained the ability to access my own.

And if I can move from madness to balance, so can you.

How to Stop Seeking Validation: Step #1: Don’t Expect to Heal. If you’re having a hard time stopping your obsession with your relationship and moving on, it’s because you’re seeking validation. You want the other person to validate you by expressing that they understand your perspective; that they feel your pain, know where they went wrong, and know what they’ve lost. Neil Strauss once said something that changed my life. He said, “You can’t expect the same person who hurt you to heal you.” Save yourself the emotional currency and understand that if someone has the power to ignore you, hurt you, and lie to you… they’ll never have the magic potion to heal the wounds they’ve inflicted. Guess who the only person who has that power is? You. You alone know everything—all your secrets, failures, experiences, triggers, fears, flaws, and so on. And guess what?… you’re still here, right next to you. If that’s not the most powerful validation, I don’t know what is. Just because it was subconscious doesn’t mean it’s not worth acknowledging. No one is going to heal you more or better than you can heal yourself right now. It’s one decision away. How to Stop Seeking Validation Step #2: Stop Expecting Them to “Get It” and Acknowledge the Pure Gold Right in Front of You. Understand that if your partner fails to validate your pain, respect your boundaries, and understand how they’re hurting you, you’re dealing with an empathically bankrupt and likely narcissistic person. And there’s nothing you can do about it because they were emotionally disabled before you entered the picture. If you claim to feel so helpless after a breakup that you need to be validated by your ex, it comes to a point where you need to ask yourself, “Why do I feel like I’m so powerful that the moment someone leaves my presence, they rise from the emotional dead and become a connected, respectful, compassionate individual?” Instead of further self-blame for not being able to make a cat bark, look at the pure gold right in front of you: this person is giving you the perfect gift. They are showing you who they are. How to Stop Seeking Validation Step #3: Know What You Don’t Need. Stop obsessing over what you’ve convinced yourself you need (validation), and start identifying what you don’t need. I wish someone had sat me down and told me this 15 years ago: You don’t need anyone to validate what you already know. Yes, empathizing and acknowledging others is great, but if you don’t know how to validate your intuition, values, morals, beliefs, feelings, and perception, you will forever be at the mercy of and dependent on the unreliability of someone else’s compass. If you know that what someone did was hurtful, wrong, disrespectful, and unkind, why do you need the other person to validate your judgment? You know, and that’s enough. If you know you’ve been treated badly and the other person can’t see it, what’s the point of wasting any more of your time? How to Stop Seeking Validation Step #4: Get Rid of the Contradictions. If you’re looking for someone to prove that you, through their actions, have proven yourself untrustworthy… what do you do? It doesn’t make sense! Speak up with your actions, pick up the pieces of your broken heart, and move on. The short-term pain will hurt, but it will pass. Why trade that for the long-term pain of having your dignity broken (and setting yourself up for more relationships that require you to “please validate me”)?

How to Stop Seeking Validation Step #5: Know what it means. The only reason I ever needed validation from a lover, ex, or friend was because I didn’t place any value on my judgment, intuition, opinions, or feelings. Coming from a place of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy, I placed all of my value on making people with low empathy empathize with and validate the things they broke: my trust and my heart.

Sometimes you just need to accept the loss, embrace yourself, and do something you’ve never been able to do: use your pain as motivation and take action, putting one foot in front of the other. Wipe the memories from your eyes as they stream down your face, brace yourself, and hold on to your dignity for dear life.

Things will get better and you will indeed become stronger with each step.

Yes, you will grieve, yes, it is death, yes it is very painful, but it is not as painful as the false comfort you extract from the knowledge of abandonment, rejection, and misery.

You are so much more than your childhood pain, your past pain, and the triggers that convinced you that you need to be “good enough,” so that the invalidator can somehow prove your worth.

Maintain your boundaries and rely on the knowledge of the respect that acting within those boundaries brings.

Make a decision and honor that decision by acting upon it. Water the seed of your decision by committing—instead of second-guessing it and living in the comfort zone, where there are no friends. You are better than that.

Yes, it’s hard, but if you do the work, you will start to see the benefits. You will be happier, less crazy, and more at peace. You will see the other person for who they are and they will start to see you for who you are: someone who can get back up despite being beaten to the ground.

Ditch the instant gratification nonsense and do what you know will reward you immensely for the rest of your life—act with dignity.

This is how you build confidence, attractiveness, and a dimension that trumps any physical attribute (which will always fade over time). Your strength and beauty are timeless.