Hindsight can be 20/20 only if you watch it through a filter of reality and honesty. But what if your sense of reality was taken away from you? What if you no longer know what to believe or who to trust? I first experienced gaslighting in relationships with friends and family members when I was a child; I didn’t realize there was a term for it. And as long as you don’t know what gaslighting is, not only will you not think that you are the problem, but you will depend on who gaslighting is, to be your eyes, ears, and mental health evaluator.

Gas lighting is something I have experienced in romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, and at work. I have trained thousands of people worldwide who are victims of gaslighting. And even when you can take a step back and see manipulation for what it is, it is still tough to accept.

What is a gas light and where does the term come from?

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you to question your mental health and reality.

The term originated from the 1938 play, Gaslight (which has two film adaptations). It is centered on a husband who tries to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights in their house (the lights were gas-powered at the time). When the wife notices and points out the dim lights, her husband denies that the lights have changed.

The most terrible example of gaslighting that I saw on the screen was in the movie, Rosemary’s Baby. Rosemary is gassed from conceiving her baby (where she was drugged and raped but led to believe she was drunk and sexually aggressive with her husband) to childbirth by an entire community (including her husband and neighbors; even her doctor). This happens not only in the movies. Gaslighting happens everywhere, every day. How does this happen?

Unfortunately, very easily.

I’m talking from personal experience when I say that as soon as you are gaslighted, you begin to let the cynical audience in your head gaslight you. This starts an internal war with your intuition, which makes you feel completely helpless (and even more than a sitting duck for anyone whose selfish meal ticket is complete control over your emotional ritual). This is something I still struggle with every day. I have to remind myself that the proverbial light has already dimmed and that I’m not just imagining things heartbreaking as much as I remind myself of it.

What is gas in a relationship?

Not all toxic and abusive relationships involve gaslighting, but all relationships that involve gaslighting are abusive and toxic.

Gaslighting is the number one manipulative tactic that narcissists and sociopaths use to make you think that you are crazy or that you lack common sense.

Gas lighters do anything in their power to get you to question your thought patterns too much, and start to question your reality. Then you have to over-rely on them to think for you, make decisions for you, tell you how you’re feeling, and diagnose you. They will act like they know what / who is best for you.

Nothing makes you more vulnerable to gaslighting than low self-esteem, pleasing people, loneliness rooted in not coping with trauma, and self-blame.

Gaslighting in relationships is about gaining strength. It is a form of manipulation in which the perpetrator, very slowly, methodically, and passively, dismantles his victim to such an extent that the victim begins to question her reality and reason.

Gaslighting can happen to anyone. It does not discriminate against age, race, wisdom, orientation, or gender. It is more widespread and easier to detect in cults, some religions, and dictatorships but it happens in relationships every day-and it can be very difficult to detect.

Never think that the person who lit the gas thinks that you are “stupid enough” to light the gas. This is not the way Gas Workers think. They think only about themselves. And if they can measure stupidity, they will be able to address their own.
Gaslighting in relationships is always gradual.

It cannot survive in any environment other than slow, steady, and accurate.

And because it is so gradual, a person running a gaslight can not only not get to the bigger picture of what is happening (because they are always in the thick of it), but they also cannot realize that they have been brainwashed.

It is equivalent to finding yourself alone in an empty room above the cold and hard marble floor. You are very cold and uncomfortable, but no one notices this at all. And then one day, someone comes along and seems to understand and sympathize with your situation on a level that no one has ever experienced before.

And as if this person could feel the power of the crystal ball, exactly what you need at that exact moment put the most perfect warm and fluffy rug right under you.

You didn’t realize how cold and uncomfortable you were until you got the warmth, comfort, and security that this rug provides.

You are so grateful for the warmth, and do not realize that every day, inch by inch, the carpet is pulled out from under you until one day…

You’re alone. Shivering on the cold floor.

You ask your partner, “Where’s the carpet that was here? I’m freezing!”

You answer with…

“What rug? You’re crazy! Are you sure? You don’t have the best memory. There was no carpet! I was sitting on a marble, obviously a cold marble. You don’t know what you’re talking about. If you feel cold, you should go find a carpet instead of being crazy and accusing me of stealing a carpet that never existed! It’s all in your head.”

You start to wonder if there was a carpet (but you know there was; you’re sure of it) and feel terrible for disturbing your partner. So, you come back with a defeat to apologize for something that your gut knows is not.

Why are we doing this?

Because we would rather be in the presence of our gaslighter than be alone and investigate something beyond our perceived flaw. The first symptom of setting standards (after recognizing manipulation) is loneliness. This is what makes most people humble. Loneliness is too much; their new nature is too painful.

Many people give up after starting a major cleansing for this very reason. The flu-like symptoms are so severe, that they are unable to see them as a symptom of recovery and instead, return to a nonsense diet. Gas lighters are empty relational calories. They make you feel loved and understood more than anyone else, but you never get any great value (intimacy, honesty, meaning, connection) because everything they do depends on the selfish tactician they are.

Before I go into the 7 signs of gaslighting in relationships, I want to first touch on how to tell if you are a victim of gaslighting abuse.

If you think you are gas-lit, here are some signs to look out for:

You are always trying to be "good enough" for your partner because you never know if you are.
You think (and are told) that you are too sensitive.
It's hard to pinpoint why you're unhappy but you're not as happy as you used to be.
You always feel that you or your relationship is " in trouble.”
You have a dependency relationship with your fears, insecurities, and your partner.
You have lost the ability to trust yourself and you need others to confirm what your gut already knows.
She feels confused and Crazy, which provokes a huge amount of shame. Shame puts you in a state of fear-based paralysis, "having a human reaction/observation should be apologized for". Before you know it, you're apologizing to your partner for identifying something that your eyes, ears, and gut constantly saw, heard, and identified in real-time.
You always make excuses for your partner's behavior towards family and friends.
You find yourself apologizing to your partner more than ever you are heard and empathized with.
Making a decision becomes increasingly difficult for you.
You suffer from depression and anxiety, and you can't trust happiness.
Avoidance has now become a way of life.
You are grieving the death of the person you used to be the one who had the backbone. The one who was confident, flexible, strong, and able to speak. You feel like a walking corpse; a shell of your former self.
You cannot implement boundaries because your self-esteem does not exist.
You feel confused and hopeless.
Emotional dependence is at an all-time high.

7 signs of gaslighting in relationships:

No matter what – even if you have proof (!- Your partner lies and denies it. When Gaz lies, lies are obvious and blatant.
Your partner is broke when it comes to character and integrity. They cannot match their words with their actions (and subsequent patterns). Never.  For this reason, it is necessary to judge them only based on what they do. Always listen to their actions and patterns. It's their words that they rely heavily on manipulation and wear you down over time.
Project gas stations everything is on you. Everything they accuse you of (and others) embody. The level of hypocrisy and contradiction is through the roof. They do this because they know that you will get too defensive and get involved in" proving them wrong", and they will have a much easier time pushing their agenda. They want you to get distracted and busy" trying to be better " at all times.
Gas workers live for the" US vs. Them " mentality. And this mentality is gold for people with low self-esteem. They will convince you that they are everything you need; that you don't need your friends or loved ones. It will also align people against you that can come at any time and act as "expert/key witnesses", to your insanity/error if necessary. They like having"witnesses" / yes people in their back pocket. This is done to isolate you so that no one who is not emotionally biased will tell you what he sees. And if they do it for some reason, then you will get defensive and bounce even more.
The gas worker tells you that you are crazy and a liar (and everyone else close to you/agrees with you is a crazy liar too). Everyone else must be crazy. Gaslighter is a Mind ambassador along with anyone else he/she "appoints."Gas workers will study what is most important to you and then use the love you have for these people to attack your safety and sanity and make you question your value in their lives.
You are constantly accused of lying and " talking out of your ass."You may even have been told to" go for an examination " or " take pills."This is nothing more than projection and deviation. Replace "you" with " I " and there is the truth.
They will selectively communicate with you, praise you, and "sympathize" only to scatter your chain and keep you vulnerable. One day out of the blue, they will begin (pretend) to communicate with you, praise you, and sympathize with you for the very things that constantly broke you and accused you. This is done to give you enough hope to stay invested (and manageable).

How to deal with gaslighting in a relationship

Never deal with it. Heal him by going out.

If someone can gaslight, there is a one hundred percent chance that they are a narcissist. They may also be a sociopath.

Narcissism and gaslighting in relationships go hand in hand.

Having the kind of relationship you know you deserve is impossible with a narcissist. Narcissists have an overarching agenda about me and the emotional reach of Peter Pan.

The key to putting an end to gas abuse is to realize that at the root of the happy/fleeting moments (and the crumbs for which you have become grateful) lies abusive and painful manipulation. It is manipulation and abuse that you will say goodbye to – not a soulmate that you are convinced that you can not live without.

How can you stop gaslighting and say goodbye?

By doing the only thing that a gas worker will never be able to do: speak your mind and set off into the sunset on your white horse.

You are much more than someone else’s agenda.