They’re the difficult ones, you know. Very nice narcissists. They are hidden. All the narcissists I know are very nice. I mean cute, cute, cute! This is what makes narcissism so difficult to spot, and so difficult to recognize when you meet someone new who might become a friend, partner, or spouse.
But what if we could detect narcissism despite the cloak of kindness? Do even sweet and gentle narcissists make mistakes early on when you know them? What if there was an early detection system so that we don’t waste months and years cultivating friendships, relationships, and even saying “I do” to these very nice narcissists, only to dissipate years later?
Looking back, here are some signs of narcissism in nice people that could and should have nudged me to be more careful about who I befriended. Of course, regular people do all these things too, so it’s not foolproof. But you know what they say: the warner is delivered.
Here’s how to spot early signs of narcissism in really nice people:
- They give too much, too quickly, and without asking.
It’s as if they are trying to get you into their debt quickly. They are so generous you barely know them yet. Very generous. He gives you stuff. Help you with things. Oh, they’re so cute! Really amazing. It’s a bit strange.
In effect, you offer to pay for whatever they do for you or compensate them for their time, but they won’t take your money. They say they do this out of friendship. Well, that’s nice. Maybe a little cute, but still cute.
Related: 4 Telltale Signs The Man You Love Is A Full-Fledged Narcissist
- They spill their guts on you quickly.
They are an open book. You have no secrets. Spilling out their guts. You know everything about their family, their money, and their sex lives. It becomes easier to share yours too. There’s too much intimacy, too quickly. There are no natural limits. And trust me, it will come back to bite you in the ass when time passes and “familiarity breeds contempt.”
- They gossip a lot.
Really, it’s just about the one conversation they had. Talk about other people. It warns you who you should fraternize with and who you should avoid. Speaking eloquently about the mistakes of others, and about the stupidity of others.
Not that it’s not interesting. With their flair as a speaker, they actually make for great conversation. But strip away the rhetoric and it’s still gossip, plain and simple. And that’s when you think: When I’m not around, who are they talking about? I!?
- Their family is a failure.
But they love them very much. Their family is their world. But the stories they tell? Offense. It is as clear as the nose on their faces. They come from a very corrupt family and they don’t know it.
Then you meet the family. Nice people! People are very nice. They start giving you things too. my darling. here we go again.
But father? A very angry and depressed man who does his nice thing when you’re around. And the mother? A mother cannot stop criticizing her adult children. Not only that, but she is jealous of her children. And when they get something new, the mother can’t stand it. Jealousy seeps from every pore in her body. She does her best to spoil their joy by criticizing their new possessions.
When the kids aren’t around, she talks to you about her kids. When mom is not around, her kids gossip about you. Yes, something is really wrong here.
- They are very competitive.
But sometimes, your friends’ kindness slips through. Usually in the midst of competition. The game they didn’t win. Money they didn’t shoot. The fish they didn’t catch. Their discomfort goes beyond normal anxiety. They don’t take loss gracefully. There’s some serious bitterness when they don’t win.
But that’s just a character flaw, isn’t it? Or is it part of the whole picture and one of the signs of narcissism in good people?
- They can’t handle criticism
Oh, they can give it. Apply it with a shovel. The teasing doesn’t stop. Mostly at your own expense, but what the heck? this is funy! But turn the tables, provoke them, even just a little, and yes. They don’t like it.
They may pretend to be fine. “Haha” with everyone. But you can see it. A look in the eye that says: “No joke at my expense – ever. Not funny!”
- Their other friends complain about you.
Oh, they’re complaining. Complain, complain, complain. They complain about their other friends. Shredded. Manipulate them. use them. But they never say “no.” Maybe they can’t say no. Boundaries cannot be set.
So they complain to you instead of people you know. B*tch. Complain. gossip. Backbiting. And you can’t help but wonder what they say about me?
- They insult people just like you.
Oh, not at first! But since “familiarity breeds contempt,” they start talking disparagingly about others — people just like you. Oh, they don’t mean you. They may even say: “I don’t mean you.” But why not? If you sound like those statements, why are you the exception?
I have a friend who likes to talk down about fat people, disabled people, and white collar people. She may be many things, but she’s naturally thin, healthy, and can’t operate a computer to save her life. Oh, my husband and I are both fat, white collar, and he’s disabled. So, I tried to stand up for us, set boundaries, point out that there are many factors besides binging that lead to weight gain, and tell her she was insulting us.
I was met with stony silence. No apology. Her speech did not change. She is still opposed to fat people, lazy people, disabled people and white-collar people who spend all their time at the computer. Oh, but it doesn’t concern us. Uh huh. whatever.
- They get upset at the slightest extent.
Say “no” just once and you can hear their voice dripping with disappointment. You set boundaries. You have a life of your own and they don’t like that. They want you to always be there, at their beck and call.
