Have you ever met someone who refuses to take the blame for their mistakes, and even goes so far as to blame you back? This common defense mechanism is known as deflection, and it can be difficult to spot at the moment. Here’s how to tell when someone is deflecting, plus what to do about it.
What is deflection?
Deflection is a defense mechanism that involves redirecting focus, blame, or criticism from the self to someone else, in an attempt to maintain self-image. This tendency toward blame-shifting can be seen in anyone from young children to adults.
According to psychologist Jill Saltz, M.D., people use deflection as a way to get someone else off track if they’re being criticized and feel the need to defend themselves. Typically, they turn to the person they’re blaming, though they can also shift blame to someone entirely separate. (For example, a child who’s being scolded for making a mess might say, “Johnny started it.”)
“The person who is transferring may or may not use some denial to defend whatever is making them uncomfortable or anxious,” Saltz notes. In some cases, she adds, the person is aware of what they did “and very privately, consciously, doesn’t want to have to defend themselves, make a change, or deal with the conflict.”
Common Examples:
- Changing the Subject
One of the most common examples of transferring is when someone changes the subject in the middle of an argument. Specifically, if their behavior is being questioned, the person who is transferring will redirect the conversation to focus on something the other person did wrong. This allows them to escape taking responsibility for their actions.
This might look like:
“Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time you did X?”
“I only did X because you did Y. So it’s your fault.”
“I can’t believe you’re attacking me like that. You’re being rude.”
- Projection
Deviation and projection often go hand in hand. Projection is when you take something about yourself that you don’t like, whether it’s an emotion, behavior, or trait, and pin it on someone else.
For example, let’s say someone cheated on their partner. In an attempt to protect their self-image, deny the mistake, or even justify it in some way, they might accuse their partner of cheating. In doing so, they project their guilt onto their partner.
Other common examples of projection include things like:
Not liking someone and therefore insisting that they don’t love you.
Having body image issues and therefore criticizing other people’s bodies.
Telling a child about another child because of something they did together.
Trying to get out of a relationship by claiming that your partner is the one who’s pulling away.
- Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation and deviance are also commonly associated with conflict. As clinical therapist Alexis Sutton previously told mbg, a partner who places the blame on you or external factors when conflict arises is often manipulative. It is used as a way to avoid accountability and involves a direct denial of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and reality in general.
Some examples of manipulative statements—which are also examples of transference—include:
“You’re being dramatic.”
“You’re over-dramatic.”
“Stop being so sensitive. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“You’re being too emotional. You can’t keep doing this.”
- Attack
In some cases, the person who avoids attacking will choose to verbally attack the accused directly, attacking without any real concern for the consequences – simply focusing on deflecting attention from themselves. In some cases, they do this using either projection or manipulation and in other cases, the person who avoids attacking will show their true colors in a defensive moment. In any case, a clear sign of a verbal attack involves the word “you.”
Examples of verbal attacking include:
“You think you’re so much better than me, don’t you?”
“You’re lucky I can stand someone like you.”
“I don’t care if that’s what you think because you’re an idiot.”
The Psychology Behind Why People Avoid Attacking
So, why exactly do people avoid attacking? Simply put, the ego is fragile, and some people’s egos are more fragile than others. As mentioned, young children instinctively figure out how to avoid discussion in an attempt to please others and protect themselves. The idea is that the individual is trying to maintain their image.
There are many reasons why people might avoid discussion, says Saltz. Maybe they have low self-esteem or anxiety, or the topic is too triggering for them. Maybe they’re the type who “needs everything to be rosy all the time, and they don’t want to see that there’s a rift in the relationship,” she notes. “From a psychotherapeutic perspective, avoiding discussion is primitive and not particularly healthy for that person to interfere in the relationship.”
How It Relates to Narcissism.
This isn’t to say that everyone who avoids is a narcissist, but every narcissist will avoid. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Margalis Vilstad, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, a lack of responsibility is a telltale sign of narcissism, and it’s the essence of deviance.
As she previously told mbg, narcissists want to be in control, but they never want to be held accountable for anything negative. “When things don’t go according to plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist puts all the blame and responsibility on you,” she explains.
For someone who is highly narcissistic, Saltz notes, “Any questioning of them, anything that might reveal any weakness, is going to be very uncomfortable for them, and they may avoid for that reason.”
How to Respond When Someone Is Avoiding You.
If you’re in a situation where you feel like someone is trying to evade you, Saltz says you can try to address the situation, but use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which will make them more defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You’re trying to evade me” or “You’re not listening to me,” you can say, “I’m trying to talk to you about this because it’s important to me that we’re on the same page.”
