When it comes to dangerous people, I’m not particularly naive. However, I can be naive. Time and error have taught me some signs to look for in new acquaintances. I’m not constitutionally capable of walking around with a cold reserve. My somewhat extroverted nature is to like everyone I come into contact with. Unfortunately, my playful behavior will get me into trouble if I’m not careful. It’s as if I’m wearing a sign that says: “Narcissists Welcome.”
I remember a conversation I had with my stepdaughter, Amy. The man she was dating had a lot of dangerous characteristics. He was very open about them, as many dangerous people are if you listen carefully. He admitted to doing quite a few illegal or deceptive things. She kept insisting that he was not a “bad” person. So I asked her if she knew how to tell a “bad” person from a “good” person. She said: No. Then I asked how?
You can tell when a person is bad, she told her, because they do bad things.
I know this seems obvious and unfair. After all, we like to think of ourselves as good people who sometimes do bad things. Shades of gray are everywhere we look, especially if we’re trying to figure out whether or not a new relationship will be healthy for us. So, instead of labeling everyone as “bad” or “good,” I prefer the terms “healthy” and “unhealthy” or perhaps “safe” and “potentially dangerous.”
So here’s my list that I’ve compiled over the years to distinguish the “good deeds” from the “bad deeds” as they say in Kentucky. I tolerate mistakes because we all make them. But when Jesus said that we should be wise as serpents and harmless as doves, he was teaching us that discernment is a must for living on this earth. How else can we keep wolves away from sheep?
Signs of a dangerous person
1: They are predatory listeners.
Normal adults show empathy and demonstrate active listening skills. They are interested in what you are saying but without any ill intent, they listen and respond, giving a comfortable amount of eye contact, and keeping the conversation flowing as a serious interpersonal exchange. Narcissists and other predators tend to do this. They eagerly collect information from you. If you have no idea you’re so cool, you’re probably talking to a dangerous person.
Related : Five Reasons Why Women Stay with Narcissists
Their primary goal is to discover information about you that can later be exploited. Showing that they care deeply is to manipulate you into finding out everything they can, in case it proves useful to them later. Real relationships develop over time. The predator will groom you with their probing questions, creating a false sense of intimacy.
2: The words and actions of dangerous people do not match.
I think about how many people I’ve met who loudly proclaim their morals. They don’t drink. Having sex outside of marriage is immoral, and criminals should be locked up and their key thrown out. They let everyone know their high moral stances. However, you start to discover that they have had a large amount of alcohol or see them three cards to the wind in a meeting. And their husbands admit to cheating.
Time will bring out a dangerous person. If you take the time to observe how life matches words, dangerous people eventually expose themselves. Secure people follow moral principles and repent when they fail. They don’t impose morality on others because they are busy imposing it on themselves. The louder and more judgmental a person is, the more careful you have to be.
3: They will tell you they are dangerous.
An interesting fact about predatory people is that they tend to be proud of this fact. I can kick myself for all the times I ignored what this or that dangerous person said to me directly. If they say they’re commitment-shy, they’re commitment-shy. A friend told me he felt no emotion. I didn’t believe him until he left me a few months later.
If they like to tell stories about how they did something shocking or mean, it’s only a matter of time until they treat dangerous people in a shocking or mean way. When I was eventually cheated out of several hundred dollars by someone I considered a friend, I had to admit that I shouldn’t have been surprised. Although he claimed to be a believer, the truth was that the stories he told about himself were terrible. I should have listened to the way he admitted to treating others.
4: Your body will often tell you that it is unsafe.
I like to play Wordscapes. In this game, you are given six to ten letters and you have to figure out all the words you can make from them. If I feel confused, I wait a while, and when I come back, my mind has figured it out. This is the goal, in part, of your subconscious mind. It is always working, primarily to keep you safe. So, when you feel uncomfortable in someone’s presence, your subconscious mind picks up signals that your consciousness is slow to recognize.
Sometimes we call this intuition. But when we encourage others, especially young women or children, to be kind to people who make them uncomfortable, we are teaching them to ignore an important safety feature common to all humans. I realize that feeling uncomfortable around people of different races or abilities is a matter of maturity. But that’s not the discomfort I’m talking about. If someone, regardless of gender, race, etc., makes you feel afraid or makes your stomach churn, avoid them. You “know” something that you may not have recognized yet.
5: If you feel oddly inadequate or needing their approval, you may have a drug on your hands.
People communicate with others in a myriad of different ways. If you go out with a quiet person, their peace will often extend to you. We absorb signals given by others. So, if you find yourself wrestling with shyness or needing to impress a new acquaintance, you’re in dangerous territory. Dangerous people prey on others in order to feed the void within themselves. The narcissist’s true self is self-loathing. So, if you feel unsafe near someone, there is a reason.
Related : If a woman uses these 12 phrases in a relationship, she has no respect for boundaries
Often dangerous people are decisive. For some reason, we humans are often drawn to negative people. We confuse candor with leadership. If there is little in us that pleases people, we strive to please those who dissatisfy them. This leads to a lot of misery, as dangerous people will offer praise sparingly but always deny full approval. And remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ according to Romans 8:1. If those around you are full of condemnation, they will not have much room in themselves to be filled with Jesus and His love.
6: Dangerous people do not recognize boundaries.
If setting boundaries is always the starting point of a negotiation, then the person you are dealing with is insecure. Say no to the person you suspect is unsafe and watch the fireworks light up. The heart of a narcissist or other predator is filled with deep rebellion. No one has the right to set limits to his twisted way of thinking. They will use manipulation to lower those walls, and if that doesn’t work, they may resort to force.
7: Drama, drama, drama
We often have romantic ideas about how relationships feel. I believe true love comes quietly. If the person you are with immediately causes intense emotions, be careful. Maybe it’s their traumas that shock you. Unlike romance books and comics, we actually control whether we fall in love or not. If you have any obsessive thoughts or feelings about this person, you are at risk of harming yourself.
Dangerous people know how to provoke those around them. Whether for political gain, sexual conquest, or dominance, predators play on the heartstrings of others. True love is like peace and trust. Emotional manipulation feels like an obsession.
I highly recommend Safe People by Townsend and Cloud, authors of the most famous book, Boundaries. I gave it to my daughters to read in the hopes that they wouldn’t learn the hard way like me. But now that I can rein in my puppy-like self and allow God to examine the people in my life, I’m much happier. I’ve learned to be very careful about the people I allow in my life, and to monitor them carefully over time. Relationships that have a solid foundation take time to grow. You have your whole life. You have time to separate the sheep from the goats.
