“Enough of me talking about myself—let’s hear you talk about me!”
― Anonymous Narcissist
“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know!”
― Anonymous Narcissist
Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who “buries his true self in response to early trauma and replaces it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alter ego of the true self often appears grandiose, “above others,” self-interested, and highly egotistical. In our highly individualistic, externally driven society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only prevalent, but often encouraged.
Narcissism is often interpreted in popular culture as someone who loves themselves. The pathological narcissist is best described as someone who loves an idealized self-image, and who reflects it to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, wounded, deprived self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they don’t want to admit it.
What can you do if you have a pathological narcissist in your life? Here are seven important keys, with references from my books (click on the titles): How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward Their Higher Self.
- Keep Your Distance and Choose Your Relationships
One of the best ways to spot a narcissist is to measure his actions and results against his words. No matter how charming, persuasive, or coercive he may be, if there is a consistent pattern of discrepancy between what he says and what he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists are often very clever at interpreting their broken promises, unjustified claims, rule violations, sudden neglect, false benefits, or boundary violations. Don’t fall for the manipulation. See if this person has a consistent record of keeping promises, whether with you or others. Evaluate the narcissist based on facts and substance, not show and persuasion. In personal situations, make sure the relationship is truly two-way and mutual, not one-sided and exploitative. Be careful not to be taken advantage of.
When you identify someone who regularly exhibits narcissistic behavior, maintain as healthy a distance as possible, and avoid interacting with this person unless absolutely necessary. If you find that your narcissistic boss, friend, or romantic partner is repeatedly taking advantage of you, seriously consider leaving the relationship. Reclaim your life.
- Avoid getting dragged into it. Expect Disappointments and Have a Plan B
Because narcissists can be so charming and persuasive, it’s easy to fall under their spell and do what they want, so you may feel comfortable doing so, at least at first. However, you may soon discover that whatever you do with the narcissist is always on his or her terms, or the narcissist may begin to impose an ever-increasing list of unreasonable expectations and demands on you.
He or she may begin to exhibit a clear pattern of inconsistency, being there for you one moment and disappearing the next, violating agreements and not following through, and generally being selfish. If you confront the narcissist directly, he or she may make a convenient excuse, sometimes becoming very upset, followed by a quick walk out the door (emotionally if not physically). You’re the one left hanging. This is the narcissist’s pathological plot.
In such situations, avoid getting carried away trying to “work things out” with the narcissist. Don’t try to appease his unreasonable expectations and demands. Keep your expectations low, and have a “Plan B” in all your interactions with him. It’s important to avoid being swayed by his charm, his superficial image, his grandiose promises, or his emotional coercion. You’re only setting yourself up for disappointment when you realize how self-absorbed he is and how little you matter to him.
- Don’t try to change him
Some people try to change chronic narcissists by having long conversations about their behavior. Such attempts are admirable, but they often end in frustration and disappointment. With some narcissists with profound psychopathy, your efforts to argue or resolve conflicts actually feed their ego, because you give them attention and power they wouldn’t otherwise have.
For some socially deficient narcissists, in the absence of positive feedback, eliciting negative feedback becomes a miserable alternative, because any attention is better than no attention at all. For them, it’s better to be hated (which gives them power and makes them feel superior) than to be nothing.
The causes of pathological narcissism are complex and deep-rooted. A narcissist only changes as they mature and become more self-aware (often through difficult life lessons). It’s not your job to change the person. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to set healthy boundaries and take back control of your own life.
- Know Your Rights and Set Boundaries
No matter how charming, persuasive, or coercive the narcissist may be, be aware of how much the narcissist is absorbing you (physically, emotionally, and/or financially), and where your identity and individuality should emerge. Since a narcissist often sees you as an extension of themselves, it’s important to remember your humanity when dealing with them. It’s important to remind yourself of these basic human rights:
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to express your feelings, opinions, and desires.
You have the right to set your own priorities.
You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
You have the right to get what you pay for.
You have the right to have opinions that are different from others.
You have the right to care for yourself and to be protected from physical, mental, or emotional harm.
You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
Basic human rights are based on the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the laws in many democratic countries that protect against abuse, exploitation, and fraud, and, if you are in the United States, the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights.
These rights represent your boundaries. As long as you are not harming others, you have the right to defend yourself and your rights. On the other hand, if you harm others, you may lose these rights.
Of course, many narcissists do not respect your having these rights. They believe that your world revolves around them, and that you should be at their disposal. However, you have the power and moral authority to declare that you, not the narcissist, are in control of your life.
- Use Assertive and Effective Communication
As mentioned above, avoid interacting with narcissists unless absolutely necessary. When you are asked to deal with one, strengthen your position by utilizing assertive communication skills. In: How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, you will learn how to quickly shift from reactivity to initiative, eight ways to say “no” diplomatically but firmly, and strategies for successfully negotiating with narcissists.
- In light situations, show empathy and maintain humor
The next time you encounter an obvious pathological narcissist, instead of being positively (charming, seducing, enticing, bribing) or negatively (exploiting, marginalizing, violating, coercing) influenced by their manipulative schemes, keep in mind that the person you are dealing with is essentially a wounded child. If you had the opportunity to learn about the individual’s history, you would very likely find that at some point in the narcissist’s life (usually in childhood) his or her humanity was denied. To avoid the pain of being the wounded true self, the false self was constructed as a facade to cope better and survive in the world. It is not easy to be a false self because you believe the true self is ugly. This is the hidden, buried pain of the narcissist.
In relatively mild situations, show empathy by not overreacting to the narcissist, either positively or negatively. When you notice the narcissist demanding attention or not delivering, respond with a smile rather than a scowl. Say to yourself with some humor, “There he goes again,” and then move on.
When the narcissist is upsetting you, instead of getting angry, upset, or worried, give yourself some distance, take a deep breath, and complete the sentence, “It must not be easy…” For example:
“My colleague is always looking for attention… It must not be easy to be constantly in need of approval.”
“My partner is so inconsiderate… It must not be easy coming from a family where people were inconsiderate.”
“My boss is so arrogant… It must not be easy that he lacks the interpersonal skills to deal with people honestly.”
Empathetic statements certainly do not excuse narcissistic behavior. The point here is to remind yourself that most narcissists are suffering internally, and that paying attention to their suffering can help you deal with them with more detachment and poise.
- In serious situations, use consequences to reduce manipulation, and force the person to respect and cooperate
When the narcissist insists on violating your boundaries, and will not take “no” for an answer, use consequences.
The ability to identify and assert consequences is one of the most important skills you can use to “shut up” a difficult person. If consequences are communicated effectively, they give the narcissist pause, and force him or her to shift from violation to respect. In my book, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists , consequences are presented as seven different types of power that you can use to affect positive change.
In conclusion, while dealing with people with pathological narcissistic personality disorder is not fun, there are many effective skills and strategies you can use to minimize the harm they do to you, gain their cooperation, and increase your self-confidence, self-esteem, and problem-solving skills. This is an important aspect of successful leadership!
