Portrait of a Narcissist in His Youth
As he tells it, the man was 21, on leave from college, and eager to try a new sexual act with his girlfriend. Well, technically she wasn’t his girlfriend because “she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was too attractive to bother correcting her.” He convinced a friend to hide in a closet and film the act to record his prowess for posterity. The plan went awry, and the woman fled his apartment wrapped in nothing but a dirty sheet. How do we know these intimate details? They’re on his website.
The man in question, Tucker Max, has built a publishing empire out of such moments, cataloging them online and in books that have sold more than two million copies. Max, who invented the “frat” genre, boasts that he receives about five sexual offers a day via email, Facebook, and Twitter alone.
“That’s the rule for almost any famous man,” Max says. “I’m the first person to write things in a way that’s very funny, very honest, and very convincing. I’m famous for that shit.”
Tucker Max and his ilk excite and enrage us—sometimes in equal measure. They are a distinctly mixed bag; and therein lies one of the many paradoxes of narcissism and the main reason why narcissists are so difficult to identify and understand. If narcissists were simply stupid, they would be easy to avoid. The fact that they are entertaining and exciting as well as aggressive and manipulative makes them compelling in the real world and as subjects of psychological scrutiny.
A cross-section of a narcissist’s vanity will reveal high levels of self-esteem, grandiosity, self-centeredness, and self-importance. They believe they are more physically attractive and intelligent than almost anyone else, and would rather be admired than admired. They get angry when they are told they are not pretty or bright but are not so affected when they are told they are stupid.
As unpleasant as these traits may be, we all have an inner narcissistic streak. Narcissism is a stable trait that varies in degree from person to person. Some aspects, including confidence and self-sufficiency, are healthy and adaptable. Narcissism only becomes a disorder at the end of the spectrum, often due to toxic levels of arrogance, entitlement, and exploitation. The idea that narcissism is a set of traits that exist on a continuum, rather than a single binary label (you are or are not a narcissist), is reflected in plans to eliminate the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder in the upcoming DSM-V, the diagnostic manual for doctors.
Narcissists thrive in big, anonymous cities, entertainment-related fields (think reality TV), and leadership positions where they can impress and dominate others without having to cooperate or suffer the consequences of a bad reputation. “Being a narcissistic monk is not going to be great, but being Kanye West and a narcissist is great,” notes Peter Jonasson, a psychologist at the University of South Alabama who is an expert on mating psychology and the dark side of human nature. Narcissism tends to peak in adolescence and decline with age. Psychologist Frederick Stinson and his colleagues conducted face-to-face interviews with 34,653 adults and found that men are more narcissistic than women at all stages of life. Male and female narcissists share a strong need for attention, a tendency to manipulate, and an intense interest in charming the opposite sex. This tendency is so strong that some psychologists, including Jonason and graduate student Nicholas Holtzman of Washington University in St. Louis, argue that narcissism may have evolved as a strategy to secure short-term sexual partners. The ways narcissists of both sexes pursue their prey reinforce this possibility.
Women who score high on narcissism tests dress more provocatively than their more modest counterparts; male narcissists display intelligence and show off—in other words, both male and female narcissists engage in time-tested sexual strategies. They also report more short-term relationships and a greater desire for such unions. This constant focus on the short term is key to their dark charm and the predictable downward trajectory of their relationships.
BewareTheOpeningTrick
Narcissists will be delighted to hear that as a group they are rated as more attractive and appealing than anyone else when they first meet them. Simin Vazire of the University of Washington and her colleagues found that narcissists have a distinct physical signature. They are perceived as more elegant, fun, and physically attractive at first glance than those who score lower on narcissism. In Vazire’s study, narcissistic women were impeccably groomed, and men were more well-groomed than their less well-groomed peers. A host of studies have found a strong correlation between narcissism and physical attractiveness, and the tactics narcissists use to stand out are well-documented, and often self-documented. Take the self-proclaimed VH-1 seduction artist Mystery, who wears high heels, black fingernails, and some quirky accessories (goggles/velvet hat) to give shy women a built-in icebrea
While narcissists often like the sound of their voice, they don’t always sound pretty to others. Nicholas Holtzman and Michael Stroebe found that people who scored higher on narcissism engaged in more disruptive verbal behaviors, arguing and cursing more—and used more sexual language than their more modest counterparts.
The language and behavior of narcissists are often geared toward one goal: maintaining power in an interaction. Psychologist Anita Vangelisti of the University of Texas at Austin found that tactics in a narcissist’s toolbox include bragging, refocusing the conversation, making exaggerated hand gestures, speaking loudly, and showing disinterest by “ignoring” others when they’re talking.
In the world of sex, sexual promiscuity is a key strategy that allows narcissists to maintain control. Think of the “principle of least interest,” where the partner who has the least interest in the relationship has the most power. “I allow a woman to feel the gift of truly desiring me whenever she feels she needs to feel it,” Mistry says in her book, The Seduction Artist: The New and Improved Art of Seduction. “Every three weeks or so, I remind her that I still have options, and I still choose her.”
Sexual promiscuity is also a key behavioral component because narcissists are always looking for a better deal. Psychologists Joshua Foster of the University of South Alabama and W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia have found that when narcissists believe their partner is committed, they are more likely to cheat, perhaps because they feel they can get away with it. Narcissists feel a rush to persuade partners to do things or engage in sexual acts they would normally avoid.
Because control is so important to narcissists, they can suddenly lose their charm if they are shaken or threatened. This dual behavior is often the first clue to their true character. Narcissists get angry when they’re rejected, overreact to minor slights, and punish those who don’t support their grandiose self-image. One study even found that when they’re rejected, highly narcissistic individuals “punish” other research participants who had nothing to do with the rejection itself.
Narcissists get away with these unlikable behaviors because, at least initially, they’re so charming. Psychologist Mitja de Buck of Johannes Gutenberg University in Mainz, Germany, and his colleagues deconstructed the “charismatic air” that many narcissists exude: attractiveness, competence, personal warmth, and humor. Among a group of college students, those who reported higher levels of entitlement tended to be the most popular students in class. In a separate study, Buck and his colleagues found that while students expected charming individuals to like others more, people with “egoistic values” actually disliked others more.
Narcissists are easily misunderstood. The picture is further complicated by the fact that both extroverts and narcissists have a style of dealing with others that makes them likable to others, as Buck and colleagues have shown. So concluding that someone might be a narcissist based on active, confident body movements, friendly facial expressions, and authentic identifications would rule out many non-narcissists.
The manipulative tendency of narcissists may be as much a lever for social influence as it is for exploitation. For this reason, narcissism and leadership often go hand in hand. A fun-loving narcissist may enjoy networking widely and dominating a social group not because he wants to exploit everyone in his path, but simply because he desires positive reinforcement from others. Deliberately exploitative behavior is more Machiavellian and, at its most extreme, psychopathic.
Along with narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy form a distinct but related set of traits known as the “dark triad.” In this unlikable group, narcissism is the most likable star. Narcissism is more closely linked to extroversion than the other two types, suggesting that narcissism may be the most positive, sociable, and outgoing element of the group. When narcissists act passive-aggressively, they tend to do so in response to social exclusion. Machiavellian and psychopathic personalities are more hostile to physical provocation.
Solving the Mysteries of Basic Narcissism
In 1984, psychologist Robert Emmons proposed the original narcissistic paradox: He observed that narcissists devalue others at the same time that they need others to like them. Back’s research on narcissism now allows psychologists to solve this age-old paradox. Narcissists appear to seek out people who will maintain their high positive self-image, while at the same time deliberately avoiding people who might give them a harsh dose of reality and disdain. “The search for admiration is like a drug for narcissists,” Back notes. “In the long run, it becomes difficult because others won’t applaud them, so they have to constantly look for new acquaintances from whom to get the next fix.” This may explain why narcissists change their social contexts so frequently and maintain only tenuous connections with others.
Another long-standing puzzle concerns the developmental trajectory of narcissism. Is narcissism the result of random parental praise, or coldness and rejection? Freud believed that narcissism results from a combination of the two. Recent research by Lorna Otway and Vivienne Vignoles suggests that Freud may have been right: the combination of parental coldness and excessive parental admiration is more strongly associated with maladaptive narcissism than either situation alone.
The researchers argue that “this combination of childhood experiences may help explain the paradoxical mix of grandiosity and vulnerability that characterizes adult narcissists.” A narcissist who receives indiscriminate praise from a caregiver in addition to signals of coldness and rejection may come to distrust the praise and live in a constant state of insecurity. Back argues that peers also contribute to this dynamic, as their positive first impressions fade: “Narcissists are popular, so they get positive feedback, but then they are devalued in the long run,” when people learn their true colors.
Inconsistent feedback can generate a deep desire for admiration in a person with narcissistic tendencies—and the pursuit of fleeting ego boosts is then heightened. In the world of sex, a narcissist may feel good just knowing that someone finds them attractive. “I feel a lot better about myself when I know that a girl likes me enough to sleep with me,” Mistry notes in his book.
Even a narcissist’s perception of being a narcissist is paradoxical. Graduate student Erica Carlson and her colleagues found that college students who scored high on narcissism rated themselves as more intelligent, physically attractive, likable, and funny than others, as well as more authoritative, impulsive, arrogant, and prone to exaggerating their abilities! In other words, they knew exactly how others perceived them. The study found that narcissists were aware that their reputations had deteriorated over time. But they didn’t care.
How can narcissists maintain their inflated self-image even though they know how others perceive them? Carlson argues that these people “may believe that arrogance is a positive trait, like extroversion.” Narcissists may also have unique coping mechanisms that allow them to reframe negative feedback. “They know that in certain situations [such as a first date] they are better than others and use this positive information to reinterpret other experiences in general,” notes Backe. Narcissists may conclude that others are just jealous (“haters!”), or that they are not smart enough to realize how “predatory” they are.
Proceed with Caution: The Narcissist as a Romantic Partner
The narcissist’s mix of glamour and ruthlessness, light and dark—along with a relentless focus on short-term goals—ensures that there is no shortage of sexual and romantic partners at first, many of whom will leave the relationship hurt and confused. Again, first impressions quickly turn sour. Campbell and his colleagues found that people who date narcissists are highly satisfied for about four months, at which point they report a rapid decline in relationships. Ironically, the four-month mark is when people start to reach peak satisfaction when dating non-narcissists. Still, the initial excitement and charm that a narcissist offers is hard to resist. “When I eat chocolate cake, 20 minutes later I’m under my desk wanting to die,” Campbell jokes. “When I eat broccoli, I feel satisfied within 20 minutes. But if I have the choice, I always eat cake.”
In the long run, both men and women are frustrated by narcissistic partners, but since men are more interested in short-term flings, narcissistic women tend not to upset men as much as narcissistic men disappoint women.
Narcissistic men tend to be attracted to women who crave drama. Empathetic women who act as “caregivers” may also be attracted to narcissistic men, mistakenly believing they can change negative traits.
Women’s attraction to narcissistic traits may also depend, in part, on where they are in their ovulatory cycle. In a study by Steven Gangestad at the University of New Mexico, 237 women watched videos of men competing for a lunch date. On days when women were most fertile, they were more attracted to displays of social presence (e.g., calmness, eye contact) and competitiveness (e.g., disdain for rivals), both of which signal the confidence that is a hallmark of narcissism.
Men with narcissistic tendencies place more emphasis on physical appearance than a sympathetic partner, and not just on the attractiveness factor one might expect. Narcissists are interested in beautiful women in part because they believe such women may be more susceptible to their manipulative tactics! “Players” like Mistry claim that a beautiful woman’s interest is piqued by playful but ambiguous (“negative”) comments because such women are accustomed to being approached through flattery and controlling the interaction. “Not so fast! It’s too early in the relationship to be touching me like that,” or “You have interesting eyes” are two such lines. “Rejection is not an insult, it’s just a judgment on your part,” Mistry writes in his book The Seduction Artist: The New and Improved Art of Seduction. “The prettier the girl, the more aggressive you should be.” Narcissistic men walk a particularly fine line when it comes to attracting women, because assertiveness is sexy, while dominance, often laced with aggression, is not. Perhaps the key is where the narcissist’s boldness is headed. Psychologist Laurie Jensen Campbell has found that dominance alone is not sexually attractive, but the interaction of dominance and social behaviors is. Psychologist Jeffrey Snyder found that male dominance was attractive (in both short-term and long-term relationships) in the context of athletic competition, but not when men used force or the threat of force in informal peer-to-peer decision-making. Women seem to be very attuned to the signals that men might be directing their aggression toward a female. In the realm of friendship, Jonason and his colleagues found that narcissistic women seek out higher-status opposite-sex friends, while narcissistic men tend to have other male friends, sometimes called “flankers,” who also have a short-term mating strategy and can help each other exploit women. “Women are looking for something from men, and men are looking for a teammate to take advantage of the world,” Jonason notes.
Perhaps the greatest irony of all is that narcissism is neither good nor bad. It can be adaptive or maladaptive, charming or terrifying, depending on how charm and cunning are used. Anyone can mix and match narcissistic traits—including confidence, self-sufficiency, and assertiveness—with more communal traits like cooperation and empathy, to be effective in any situation.
Still, you may wonder if you’re a full-fledged narcissist. You can always go online and take the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) test to see if that’s the case. But if you’re truly a narcissist, you probably already know it—and don’t care!
