Parenting is often seen as one of life’s most selfless endeavors. But when narcissism creeps into the equation, it can create an environment that leaves children feeling confused, inadequate, and emotionally drained. Covert narcissism, a more subtle but equally damaging form of narcissism, is particularly difficult to spot. While overt narcissists are more overtly selfish, covert narcissists display narcissism in less obvious ways, making children especially vulnerable. If you’ve ever felt like your parent’s behavior isn’t congruent but you can’t pinpoint why, this list may provide some much-needed clarity.
In this article, we’ll cover everything you need to know about identifying a covert narcissistic parent, including the signs to look out for and how to deal with their behavior.
- They Constantly Play the Victim
One of the most defining traits of a covert narcissist is their tendency to play the victim, making it seem like they’re always wronged or misunderstood. The covert narcissistic parent often portrays himself as the underdog, whether at work, in relationships, or even within the family. This can manifest in complaints about how he’s “always the one working hard” or how “no one appreciates” what he does.
Children of these parents may find themselves feeling guilty on a frequent basis, feeling that they are somehow responsible for his or her sadness. This constant feeling of guilt can prevent children from exploring their own needs and desires.
- Uses Passive-Aggressive Communication
The covert narcissistic parent may use passive aggression as a way to control or manipulate situations without direct confrontation. Instead of openly expressing his or her displeasure or disagreement, he or she may make snide comments or use sarcasm to prove his or her point.
For example, if you accomplish something important, he or she may minimize its importance by saying, “Well, that’s nice, but remember how hard it was for me to graduate?” This passive-aggressive tone can make it difficult to have honest conversations, leaving you feeling insignificant and like your feelings don’t matter.
- Reluctance to show real emotions
Narcissistic parents often struggle to show real, vulnerable emotions. They may be emotionally absent or distant, especially when it comes to showing empathy or compassion. When you’re upset, they may ignore it or even get upset, making you feel like your feelings are a burden.
If you’re having a tough day, for example, they may listen for a moment but quickly redirect the conversation to their own problems or walk away, showing little empathy. This inability to truly connect can leave a child feeling isolated and unsupported.
Read also: Covert Narcissists vs. Overt Narcissists: Key Differences You Should Know
- Overemphasis on appearance and public image
A covert narcissistic parent may place great importance on how they and their family appear to others. This may mean controlling how their children dress, act, or speak in public. They may present themselves to others as the “perfect parent,” while their own behavior with the family is completely different.
They may only praise their children’s accomplishments when they reflect positively on them, rather than supporting their individuality. Children of these parents may feel as though their value is tied to external accomplishments rather than their inherent qualities.
- Manipulating conversations
A covert narcissistic parent tends to steer conversations toward themselves, often belittling the accomplishments or experiences of others. When someone shares good news or opens up about a personal issue, they will subtly redirect the focus to their own struggles, accomplishments, or perspectives.
This trait can make family members feel worthless or ignored. For example, if you’re excited about an award or accomplishment, they may respond with something like, “Well, when I was your age, I did a lot.” Over time, these experiences can erode a child’s sense of accomplishment and self-esteem.
- Showing Conditional Affection
Narcissists often use affection as a tool of manipulation, giving love and approval only when their child does something that aligns with their desires. A covert narcissistic parent may withhold praise, love, or affection unless their child achieves or behaves in ways that make them look good or satisfy their own desires.
This conditional affection makes it difficult for a child to develop a stable sense of self-worth. Children may grow up constantly seeking external validation, linking love and approval to specific actions rather than to a sense of inherent worthiness.
- Guilt-proneness
A covert narcissistic parent frequently uses guilt as a way to control their children’s actions and emotions. If you make a choice they don’t approve of, they may say things like, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you reward me?” or “I’ve sacrificed so much, and this is how you treat me?”
Guilt can lead children to question their feelings and decisions. Instead of making choices that align with their needs and desires, they may prioritize their parent’s feelings to avoid feeling guilty about disappointing them.
- Subtly sabotaging your successes
When a child achieves something significant, a covert narcissistic parent may react in ways that undermine the joy of the moment. They may downplay the accomplishment, make a discouraging comment, or act indifferent. While this reaction may seem mild, it can have a lasting impact, gradually eroding a child’s confidence.
For example, if you’re excited about a promotion, he might dismiss it with a comment like, “Well, I hope you’re ready for the hard work that lies ahead.” This subtle sabotage can make children feel like they’re never really allowed to succeed.
- Rarely Accepts Blame
One of the hallmarks of narcissism is an unwillingness to accept blame, and this is especially true of covert narcissists. A covert narcissistic parent will often shift blame onto others, even when he’s clearly in the wrong. If confronted, he might twist the conversation to make it seem like he’s the victim or that his actions were completely justified.
Children may grow up feeling like they’re responsible for every problem or misunderstanding, because their parent never takes responsibility for his mistakes. Over time, this can lead to issues of self-doubt and anxiety, as they’re conditioned to believe that they’re always wrong.
- Highly Sensitive to Criticism
Despite often being subtle critics, a covert narcissistic parent is typically very sensitive to comments or criticism directed at him. Even mild suggestions can lead to defensiveness or anger. He may respond by complaining, staying silent, or making passive-aggressive comments that make you regret saying anything critical.
This hypersensitivity makes it difficult to have honest conversations, as children may become accustomed to avoiding addressing issues for fear of his reaction.
Coping Strategies for Dealing with a Covert Narcissistic Parent
Recognizing covert narcissistic behaviors in a parent can be distressing, but understanding these patterns is a powerful first step. Here are some strategies for dealing with these challenges:
- Set boundaries: Clearly define the behavior you are willing to tolerate. Avoid engaging in discussions that turn toxic and limit the amount of emotional energy you invest in interactions with your parent.
- Manage your expectations: Accept that you may not get the emotional support or validation you hope for from him. Lowering expectations can help protect your mental and emotional health.
- Seek outside support: Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can provide you with the tools to manage these dynamics and work on building your self-esteem outside of your relationship.
- Focus on self-care: Take time to focus on yourself and practice self-compassion. Rebuild your self-worth independently of his influence by pursuing your own goals, interests, and hobbies.
- Limit engagement with emotionally charged topics: Avoid engaging in topics that trigger his narcissistic behavior. Keeping communication brief and neutral can help reduce the chance of conflict.
Read more : Financial Abuse: The Hidden Cost of Loving a Narcissist
Final Thoughts
Growing up with a covert narcissistic father can present a range of emotional challenges, but awareness and understanding are crucial first steps to healing. By recognizing the subtle traits of a covert narcissistic father, you can begin to separate yourself from the guilt, self-doubt, and need for validation that may have developed over the years. Remember, understanding these behaviors isn’t about placing blame, but rather empowering yourself to create a healthier future.
While you may not be able to change his behavior, you do have the power to reshape your response to him and find support in building a life defined by self-confidence and emotional resilience.
