When dealing with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you need to be more careful with their actions than their words.

Don’t be easily fooled by apologies. It’s easy for them to make bold promises, especially when they feel threatened in the relationship.

Sometimes you want to believe they’re sorry. But other times, you know the apology is pre-written or fake.

You don’t want to accept their apology because you feel like accepting it means condoning their problematic behavior.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, learning how to interpret and respond to apologies is essential to protecting your safety.

This article will cover typical narcissistic apologies and how you can respond to them.

HowDoNarcissistsApologize?

Do narcissists ever apologize? Yes. Do they really apologize? No.

Do narcissists apologize? Yes! Some people think that narcissists never apologize when they make mistakes, but this is a misconception.

Many narcissists say they’re sorry from time to time, and knowing how a narcissist apologizes is one of the first steps to understanding their behavior.

Every narcissist is different in how they apologize, but most apologies have these common traits:

• It’s always (or usually) someone else’s fault
• You’re being overly dramatic or unfair to them
• They’re willing to apologize, but they want full forgiveness right away
• They don’t think about how they played any role in creating toxic relationships
• They expect a full apology from you when asked

But this is another fake apology designed to gain your sympathy. They want to be the victim in this situation, and they want you to feel remorse for the way you hurt them.

You can respond to this apology by sticking to the truth.

It may sound like I’m still upset. We can talk about your feelings, but you need to understand mine, too.

The Apology That Has Already Been Apologized For

I’ve already told you I’m sorry about that!

I’m not going to keep apologizing every time you feel upset.

Narcissists tend to rely on this type of apology as a way to avoid confrontation or to avoid examining problematic patterns within the relationship. To them, it feels real. Case closed.

If you receive this apology, it’s important to stay firm on your boundaries.

Don’t ignore the situation just because the narcissist wants to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Apology by Blame

I’m sorry you can’t handle the joke.

I’m sorry you find me so difficult.

I’m sorry you feel angry.

If you hear a narcissist apologize with the words “I’m sorry,” it’s a clear sign that they can’t take responsibility for their actions. Instead, you’re the one who has the problem and is at fault.

When dealing with this type of apology, remember that narcissists use manipulation to protect their fragile ego.

You want to be as direct as possible, which is like saying, “I’m angry, and you don’t have to apologize for that, but we need to talk about what’s going on.”

ApologyTitleForTitle

I’ll apologize now if you agree to let this go.

I want to hear you say you’re sorry first.

Sometimes called a “pay-to-play” apology, this is also a fake apology that serves the narcissist’s ego more than the health of your relationship.

Related : Why Do Narcissists Come Back to Old Relationships?

Most narcissists want forgiveness for their irrational behavior or verbal abuse, but they still want you to apologize first!

Remember, you don’t owe anyone an apology, especially if you didn’t do anything wrong.

The best response is to avoid playing this game. Don’t apologize just to make them apologize—you’re not two kids fighting over a toy!

FakeApology

Fake apologies may seem a bit more vague than other types of apologies, but empty apologies share some common traits, including:

They seem scripted or forced: It may seem like the narcissist wants to get the job done quickly. Even if they’re expressing empathy, it’s as if they’re rehearsing lines for a play.

The timing seems off: Narcissistic apologies often come too late. Healthy people apologize quickly—they feel that immediate sense of guilt or shame after hurting someone they care about.

Narcissists apologize because they feel trapped and don’t want to sit through that uncomfortable feeling.

Their body language is insincere or inconsistent: The narcissist may say all the right words, but their nonverbal communication is often inconsistent.

For example, they may smile as they tell you how upset they are. Or they may over-contact (or under-contact).

They feel empty: Most people will tell you that a narcissist’s apology feels inauthentic or fake, even if they can’t pinpoint exactly why.

Of all the apologies to deal with, fake apologies are the hardest. They’re the easiest to deny, but they’re essentially the anatomy of a narcissistic relationship.

If you keep receiving these apologies, it’s important to reevaluate your motivations. What are you getting out of this dynamic? What are you trying to change?

Most people find that they need to back away completely. This may mean limiting contact, but it may also entail restricting the types of topics you discuss with the narcissist.

BlankApology

I’m sorry I’m such a terrible friend and never make you happy.

I’m sorry for every time I’ve hurt you.

Narcissists tend to offer these blanket apologies as a way to “condense” all of their wrongdoings into one apology.

But that’s not real—the narcissist is offering a blanket apology to avoid actually addressing the situation.

You can respond to this by focusing on the issue at hand. This sounds like, “I want to talk specifically about the time I’m hurting right now.”

MartyrApology

I’m just trying to cheer you up!

I’m sorry – I was very upset and I’m trying to do everything right here.

Narcissists often act like martyrs to get attention and sympathy. Instead of taking responsibility, they focus on what they are doing right.

They want you to feel guilty for a negative reaction.

You should respond to their martyrdom by focusing on your own feelings. Don’t give in to their martyr complex or even validate what they are doing right. Simply say, “I felt upset because you did _.

Conditional Apology

I’m sorry if I did something wrong.

I’m sorry if you thought I would do it the other way.

A conditional apology can be confusing because it’s like an invisible apology paired with no apology at all. The narcissist is basically saying they’re only sorry if you felt or reacted a certain way.

You should respond by avoiding the “if” part altogether. Keep things objective and explain exactly what happened and how you felt about it.

Related : What is Narcissistic Projection? (With Examples)

Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do—you have a right to feel the way you do.

Silent Treatment Apology

This apology follows a pattern: The narcissist will apologize, and it seems fine for a few moments or even hours.

But then, their personality changes. Suddenly, they ignore you or give you the silent treatment. They seem more upset than ever.

This is part of the push-and-pull dynamic that sometimes comes with narcissism. They want your sympathy, but they also devalue you at the same time. Time.

The best response is no response. The narcissist wants you to ask them what’s wrong and give them attention.

Instead of giving in to this urge, stay calm and detach yourself.

RefuseApology

Some narcissists will refuse to apologize altogether. They may even ridicule you for asking for an apology.

This is common with more malignant narcissists, but it can also be seen in covert narcissists. Essentially, narcissists feel that an apology is not theirs.

It’s important to focus on what you can control. You can’t force someone to apologize, and even if you could, would you really want someone to apologize just for the sake of apologizing?

Instead, focus on taking care of yourself and considering whether there are other ways you can validate your hurt feelings.