When most people think of a narcissist, they picture an arrogant, bossy person who loves to be the center of attention and admiration. However, this description only fits one of the main subtypes of narcissism, the exhibitionist narcissist.

There is another subtype of narcissism that hides in plain sight because it doesn’t fit our image of how someone with narcissistic personality disorder should behave. This subtype is sometimes called the covert narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist, or the vulnerable narcissist. I find these terms a bit inaccurate and prefer the term “covert narcissistic personality disorder,” which personality disorder theorist James F. Masterson uses in his work and describes so clearly.

Covert narcissistic personality disorder (CNPD) is one of the three main subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder identified by Masterson (1926-2010). The other two types of narcissistic personality disorder are the exhibitionist type and the devaluing type (also called the malignant type). Masterson’s seminal book, The Emerging Self (1993), is devoted to describing the diagnosis and treatment of the covert narcissistic personality disorder subtype in great detail.

People with the covert narcissistic personality disorder subtype may appear completely normal at first glance. Many people with the covert narcissistic personality disorder subtype appear friendly, insecure, needy, and somewhat neurotic. They find subtle ways to get attention.

Related : Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

To recognize that someone has covert narcissistic personality disorder, you will need to spend a lot of time with the person and understand the general characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder well. Despite their friendly and somewhat harmless self-presentation, when you look closely at someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder, you will realize that they share all the key characteristics associated with narcissistic personality disorder:

• Instability of self-esteem.
• Egocentrism.
• Preoccupation with status.
• Incomplete relationships with objects.
• Inconsistency in objects.
• Lack of emotional empathy.
• It is easily affected by minor insults that most people would ignore.
• Envy of others’ successes, possessions, and self-confidence.
• Fear of being publicly criticized as incompetent.

Main Problem: Fear of the Spotlight

According to Masterson, covert narcissism differs from the exhibitionist subtype in that people with this variation of covert narcissism are directly afraid of being in the spotlight. While exhibitionists will push you aside to become the center of admiring attention, people with covert narcissism are so scared of publicly seeking admiration. They are extremely worried that if people take a closer look at them, they will be exposed as an inappropriate fake.

The Covert Narcissist Dilemma

Most people with this variation were taught in early childhood that if they put themselves out there for attention or acted publicly as “special,” they would be severely punished or devalued. So, their main dilemma is, “How do I feel special and shore up my shaky self-esteem without being open about my agenda?”

Solution 1: Get Indirect Attention.

A common way people with covert narcissism deal with their struggle with wanting to be special is to associate themselves with people, groups, and things they consider ideal. Then, instead of saying, “I like me!” as someone prone to it might, they say, “I like this!” and feel special by association. Example: Paul wanted to feel important, so he joined a religious group that did evangelistic work. He was uncomfortable saying, “I’m special,” but he felt it was perfectly acceptable to tell strangers, “My religion is special. You should worship God the way we do. We have the only true religion that will save you from going to hell.”

Solution 2: Work harder.

Many people with chronic narcissistic personality disorder work harder to please the people they admire. They live for the little attention and approval they get from anyone they consider perfect.

Related : 15 Signs Someone Has A Narcissistic Personality Disorder — And How To Understand Them

Example: My client Sarah considered her boss perfect. She would stay late at work to finish any project he assigned her. Sometimes she would come into the office on weekends because she desperately wanted his approval.

Solution 3: Be manipulative.

Instead of asking directly for what they want, people with chronic narcissistic personality disorder may try to manipulate the situation so that the other person feels obligated or sorry for them. Some of this is simply due to the covert narcissist’s low self-esteem. Many believe that if they just ask for what they want, no one will care. They should pay up front with favors and then the person will owe them.

Example: Jennifer did her friends a big favor that they didn’t ask for. She once offered her new work friend Jane the use of her cabin in the mountains for the weekend. Jane accepted and was grateful. But not enough.

When Jennifer wasn’t chosen to be a bridesmaid at Jane’s wedding, she felt cheated. “Jane owes me so much,” she complained. “How could she leave me out of her wedding after what I did to her?” In Jennifer’s mind, everything was transactional. She couldn’t understand that Jane had simply taken the weekend gift as a kind gesture—not an obligation.

Solution 4: Gossip.

Most people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t feel comfortable confronting people directly. Instead, they usually gossip about their grievances to third parties.

Example: Jennifer told everyone in her office how badly Jane had treated her. When she had the chance, she made sure to “accidentally” tell her boss that Jane had been fired from her last job. This was something Jane had told him in confidence and promised to keep secret.

Solution 5: Ignore.

Unlike people with the Narcissistic Personality Disorder subtype, people with NPD are unlikely to start a fight with you in public when provoked. Instead, in addition to spreading malicious rumors about you behind your back, they may flat-out ignore you. If you do happen to meet in public, they may refuse to acknowledge you in any way. This extends to not responding to your texts, emails, or phone calls.

Related : 9 Dominant Traits That Reveal Someone Might Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Example: Marco was angry with his friend Jim because he didn’t stand up for him in a fight with someone they both knew. The next time they met, at a birthday party for a mutual friend, Carlos, Marco pointedly ignored Jim. Carlos didn’t know about their fight, so he sat them next to each other at the table. Marco refused to turn his head to talk to Jim and made his hatred clear to everyone. When Jim asked him a question, Marco pretended not to hear or see Jim. In true narcissistic fashion, Marco didn’t care that his behavior was ruining the party for Carlos and the other people there. Bottom Line: Covert narcissistic personality disorder can be very difficult to recognize. Unless you’re well-trained in the narcissistic subtypes, you may not even know this narcissistic subtype exists. Most people who spend a lot of time around someone with this disorder see the person as insecure or a little annoying. Even therapists may not be familiar with the diagnosis of chronic narcissistic personality disorder because it is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It is only when you meet someone with chronic narcissistic personality disorder and you are portrayed as a bad villain because you do not live up to their expectations that you realize that there is something more complex than just hatred behind their behavior.