Have you ever felt like you’re on the outside looking in? Maybe it’s been with a group of friends, your family, or maybe your marriage.
No one likes to feel left out, and we naturally want to be part of the in-group. Unfortunately, narcissists can exploit this to their advantage.
For narcissists, relationships are first and foremost about control.
Their egos are fragile, and they’re constantly under attack from outsiders, and from within themselves.
One of the best ways for narcissists to maintain control is through triangulation. But what exactly is triangulation and how do you deal with narcissistic triangulation?
WhatIsNarcissisticTriangulation?
Triangulation, in psychology, involves one person playing at least two other people against each other, forcing their victims to speak only through them.
related : 10 Flaunting Signs of a Somatic Narcissist
It’s a “divide and conquer” strategy where both the manipulated parties expend their energies trying to win the narcissist’s favor and outmaneuver the other victim.
The relationship between the narcissist and the triangle can manifest itself in a variety of ways.
The narcissist may use positive reinforcement, telling one of the manipulative parties how superior they are to another person.
This always progresses to the “devaluation phase,” where negative reinforcement and positive punishment are used.
The narcissist reverses their behavior and criticizes, perhaps by talking about how much better their previous partner is than the new one.
They may withhold love or use the silent treatment (a common signal that abandonment is coming).
They may also mention the possibility of a new romantic partner, someone the narcissist can start a relationship with if the manipulative partner doesn’t change their ways.
They may even put strangers in the triangle, perhaps by flirting with waitstaff at a restaurant or a cashier at a store, just to make their partner feel inadequate.
The point is that the narcissist uses the third party to sow doubt and feelings of worthlessness in the manipulative partner.
How to React to a Narcissistic Triangle?
Narcissists crave attention at all times, so the purpose of triangulation is to make their victims compete for their affection.
The victim will praise and adore the narcissist until they get crumbs of attention in return.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Triangle? Here are some simple steps to stop triangulation in its tracks and recover from it.
- Try to recognize when a narcissist is triangulating
The most important thing you can do to protect yourself is to recognize when triangulation is occurring.
Emotionally healthy adults do not need to involve a third party in the conversation.
If the narcissist has a problem with you or your behavior, there is no need to make comparisons to someone else. Recognize that the problem is with them, not you.
- Walk Away
How to Respond to Narcissistic Triangulation? As with most things involving narcissists, the best thing you can do is to cut off contact with them.
Triangulation only works when there are three parties; if you walk away, triangulation fails.
Narcissists need attention, and you provide them with a much-needed supply of that by listening to and responding to triangulation.
- Heal Yourself
Work on healing yourself. The constant manipulation of a narcissistic relationship leaves victims with some deep scars.
Your self-worth does not come from being “better” than someone else, no matter what the narcissist tells you.
- Stop Giving Them Supply
If you decide to stay with the narcissist, stop triangulating by refusing to provide them with attention.
Triangulation is a form of control; ignoring triangulation efforts lets the narcissist know that this is not an effective or healthy way to interact with others.
Doing so can lead to you being dumped, as the narcissist will have no further use for you.
Why Do Narcissists Triangulate?
Triangulation provides narcissists with a heady mix of admiration and control over others—two of the things they crave most.
At its core, triangulation is about protecting the narcissist’s ego.
As long as they are in control of the manipulated parties, there is nothing these people can do to hurt them.
Beyond protecting their ego, narcissists need a group of admirers on hand to keep their feelings of self-esteem high.
Compliments, admiration, and personal support are referred to as narcissistic supply, and the narcissist always needs more of it.
related : What is Narcissist Triangulation And Easy 6 Ways To Stop It
Triangulation keeps the supply close and always feels like they can do more to please the narcissist.
By keeping two people in competition with each other for the narcissist’s favor, the manipulated parties provide more of this supply than they would in a dyadic relationship.
Remember, however, that the manipulated party may not even know they are part of the triangulation.
A friendly coworker can turn into a serious romantic prospect in the narcissist’s mind and words.
Since this entire scenario is about fostering jealousy, the narcissist may exaggerate the qualities of this individual to reinforce their partner’s feelings of inadequacy.
What is triangulation in relationships?
Triangulation is possible in many types of relationships and does not necessarily involve someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
In fact, it does not even require a third person to be involved.
Someone may lavish attention on their dog or car in order to make their partner jealous.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder makes this a calculated process where the narcissist manipulates their victim’s emotions and mental state to their advantage.
Narcissists often create a fantasy world where they are always right, good, or important.
In reality, both children have a set of personality traits and behaviors, but the narcissistic parent is only able to see the traits that fit their pre-determined schema for the child.
This is largely a projection based on the binary thought process (splitting) they have to categorize themselves.
Family triangulation often takes the form of “Why can’t you be more like your brother,” but it is even more insidious when combined with manipulation and projection.
Manipulation involves reframing reality to fit the narcissist’s perception of it, making both children believe that events happened in a different way than they actually did.
“Why can’t you be more like your brother”
Projection further confuses targets by transferring the narcissist’s feelings and motivations onto the victim.
If the narcissist is jealous of the “good child”’s accomplishments, he or she may berate the “bad child” for being jealous of the “good child.”
Even if the parent does not use this type of “good child/bad child” thinking, triangulation within the family is still possible.
The parent may gossip behind each child’s back, telling stories about the child who is not present to create a sense of secrecy and companionship.
The parent actually does this to gain greater control over both children.
When children do not talk to each other and receive all information about each other through the parent, the parent has ultimate control.
Triangulation relies on the narcissist being the gatekeeper and filter for all information about the other parties.
Triangulation in Narcissistic Romantic Relationships
Since most romantic relationships are two-way, triangulation seems impossible.
However, the narcissist often enlists a third party to play the victim against the other.
For example, a married narcissist might start spending more time with a coworker or friend, which their partner would not reasonably object to.
The narcissist then casually mentions how the coworker or friend exhibits a superior trait or behavior to their partner.
related : Narcissistic Sister: Help! My Sister is a Narcissist
These comments make their partner feel inadequate, which prompts them to work harder to please the narcissist.
This enhanced control is what the narcissist was looking for; it provides them with the admiration they crave.
The coworker and friend likely have no idea that they are being used as a tool by the narcissist’s partner.
They may not even express the traits or behaviors that the narcissist claims.
This idealized version of themselves is enough to torment and control the narcissist’s partner.
Triangulation is often used after a breakup or narcissistic dump and is a way for the abuser to get back into the victim’s life.
The narcissist may brag about their new relationship and how everything is better than it was with the victim.
They can also mention how their new love interest looks down on the victim, directing anger away from the narcissist who may have been making things up about their new partner all along.
NarcissisticFriendshipTriangulation
While the narcissist is usually at the center, controlling the flow of information, this is not always the case.
Take, for example, a friendship between three people, where the narcissist is angry with one of his friends over a perceived slight.
The narcissist may go to a mutual friend and tell them how upset they are with the other friend.
At this point, it’s just two friends talking and doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is unhealthy.
However, the narcissist may make this interaction more damaging by demanding the mutual friend’s loyalty, asking them to stand up against their other friend without hearing their side of the story.
This puts the mutual friend in an uncomfortable position because they want to stay in the good graces of both friends.
The narcissist, who always needs to be the center of attention, can’t see how difficult this is for the mutual friend.
The mutual friend’s best course of action is to ignore the narcissist’s demand for loyalty and remain neutral in the situation.
FinalThoughts
Triangulation is rarely a healthy behavior; it leads to toxic relationships with poor communication, and for narcissists, that’s exactly the point.
It allows them to control two people while receiving attention and affirmation from them—a no-win situation for everyone except the narcissist at the center.
The best defense against triangulation is to never engage in it.
Walk away as soon as you see it happening and tell the narcissist that you don’t want to be a part of his games.
