Dating is a stage of discovery — whether or not you are recovering from a toxic relationship. If you’re not careful, you may start to feel like a sitting duck for the narcissist.
For those trying to break the wrong partner-choosing patterns, weeding out “people pleasers” tendencies and putting themselves in a high-value position should be the number one priority, even if it results in them being celibate for a while.
In the early days of dating, you may feel inclined to show a new date that you are good relationship material by demonstrating how understanding and forgiving you are. As a result, you ignore the “mistakes” and the wrong to make sure that the person likes and approves of you.
He was only a few minutes late. It happens to everyone, right?
Even though you didn’t hear from him for about a week, he had plausible excuses as to why he didn’t call. After all, you don’t want to come across as nagging or intolerant. Guys hate this stuff, right?
Or, if you’re male, you might look the other way while your partner answers several text messages during a candlelit dinner. Maybe you go to the ladies’ room and stay a little longer than you think is reasonable.
If you want to hold on to this attractive new catch, you’d probably also accept that they need quite a bit of maintenance, right?
The problem with the aforementioned mindsets is that you make this person, whom you barely know, more important than you make yourself—that is, you put yourself in the LOW-VALUE category while making them highly valuable.
His schedule, work, family obligations, dinner time, etc. begin to be more important than yours.
You unfollow friends and family when they suddenly text you to go to dinner — with no prior mention of going out.
In other words, you are more interested in whether this person likes you than if their behaviors are acceptable or if the two of you are compatible – which makes you a sitting duck for narcissists and other manipulators!
How to be highly valuable and screen users and abusers
So how can you avoid people-pleasing behaviors without appearing arrogant, selfish, and uncompromising?
First, keep in mind that any self-respecting guy would want to impress you, too. They won’t show up late, text other people during dates (unless you’re the babysitter), excuse themselves multiple times to go to the bathroom, or flirt with the waitress or bartender.
Highly qualified individuals do not do these things.
Here are ten examples of behaviors you should stay away from so you can keep yourself in a HIGH-VALUE state and avoid being a sitting duck:
1 – He is thirty minutes late for the appointment – in which case he must have a reasonable excuse, such as a speeding violation or some other reliable evidence as to why he was late.
2 – She keeps texting on her phone during dinner – which has to be attributed to something as serious as having a family member in the hospital or her child having a low-grade fever before she picked it up.
3 – They frequently reschedule dates, cancel, bail at the last minute, or don’t show up at all.
4 – They talk about sex or hint at casual encounters on a first date. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing, which I probably am not – and that probably explains why you’re here, to read this article.)
5 Instead of wanting to know more about you, they’re intent on telling you detailed stories about how they dated Victoria’s Secret model or how their last boyfriend was a half-millionaire.
6- Not answering your calls for days. (Hint: If you just started dating someone, you shouldn’t call them over and over again. Reach out once if you can’t stop yourself, but after that, the ball is in their court.)
7 They make it clear that they want to keep things “casual”. This is what emotionally unavailable people want in their relationships so they can come and go as they please and keep you hanging by a thread, while you gradually feel worse about yourself and wonder why they don’t commit (which perpetuates and reinforces any feelings of low self-esteem you may have).
8 They pressure you to move quickly, meet their parents or children, get engaged, get married, or move in together — after only a few dates. It’s tempting to believe that someone can love you after just a few dates, but the most important thing is to determine if they’re right for you rather than getting into a relationship to fill the void.
9 – They make it clear that they are dating other people and do not want anything serious. Alternately, they may say they’re not dating other people, but you find out they lied. Both indicate an inability to commit.
10 They are still involved with an ex with whom they share custody of their child They may still live in the same house or apartment building. Often this is the result of a “friends with benefits” attitude that was imposed on a passive partner by the previous manipulation, with whom you are now dating.
