Getting over a past relationship feels impossible because you’re mourning the death of your hopes and dreams, the person you knew, and everything your ex and the relationship represented, and you’re mourning these deaths while your ex lives and breathes—in a life that seems so much better now that you’re no longer in it.
There are few things in life more painful than the physical death of a loved one. But because of the finality of physical death (i.e., you may believe that the soul is still alive, but the physical body can’t undergo a resurrection), we’re finally able to accept what is.
Certainty opens the door to acceptance (which is essential to truly moving forward) after a breakup.
Uncertainty keeps you locked in a state of paranoia that doubts reality.
A breakup is a death, and just like a physical death, we don’t want to accept it. And because there are so many things that can mess with our levels of certainty (seeing them “thriving” on social media, being active on dating apps, etc.), our relationship with acceptance is unable to hold together.
At one point, we’re certain that we’ve won and lost them; the next, we’re certain that we’ll never find anyone as great as them.
Related : How To Let Him Go: Get Over The Pain Of Losing Your Ex Today
This makes moving on from your ex seem impossible, self-blame likely, and despair the only certainty.
Even if you’re deep down sure that your ex is incapable of a mature, mutual relationship, you see all these things on social media that negate everything you thought you knew! They’re living their best lives and doing everything they only waved the possibility of doing with you.
What can you do at this point other than blame yourself?
Why are you always better off “ready” than you are with a partner (for an “irreplaceable” ex)?
Will you ever feel good enough?
I’ve written extensively about letting go of the past and moving on. But I wanted to create a quick, simple, straightforward, no-nonsense guide that you can refer to if you’re struggling to move on after a breakup.
How to Move On After a Breakup in 5 Steps
Every day, I speak to people all over the world who are struggling to figure out how to move on after a breakup. Here are the five most powerful and impactful steps you can take:
- Feel Your Feelings (and Let Your Emotions Determine What You’re Dealing With).
The first step to figuring out how to move on after a breakup is to acknowledge and accept your feelings. Don’t try to fight, suppress, numb, or avoid your emotions. One of my favorite quotes: “It’s funny how life gets harder when you try to make it easier. Exercise can be hard, but never moving makes life harder. Uncomfortable conversations are hard, but avoiding all conflict is harder. Mastering your craft is hard, but not having the skills is harder. Ease has a price.” – James Clear.
It’s normal to feel devastated, angry, resentful, confused, competitive, or even relieved after a breakup. Learn the different stages of a breakup. Allow yourself to grieve and truly feel your feelings, but always stay on your white horse. Don’t let emotional triggers, loneliness, and despair dictate your actions. (If you’ve already fallen off your white horse, be prepared to get back on it.)
As you navigate your way through your emotions, let those feelings prove to you whether or not your ex was toxic. If your ex wasn’t toxic, yes, the breakup will still hurt. But you’ll have clarity because the communication was clear. You won’t feel like you need to shut them down to vent emotionally. You’ll respect each other’s boundaries and focus on yourself, rather than triggering a reaction. With non-toxic exes, you won’t wonder why you weren’t “good enough” for the basics like respect, honesty, caring, communication, love, and reciprocity.
I define a toxic person as “anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for their hunger.”
Toxic people are ambivalent. They love the promise of a future to meet current needs and ignore red flags. They’ll put you on a higher level than you’ve ever been before, then drag you down to a level so low that you question your worth as a human being and, in some cases, your need to exist on this planet.
The cost of being in a relationship with a toxic person is almost always everything you can’t afford to lose: your self-esteem, your standards, your mental health (and sometimes even your money). They may also isolate you from certain friends and family members who they know can see through their mind.
If your ex is toxic, please read or listen to my book, Win Your Breakup: How to Be the One Who Walked Away, for more help and support. If your ex isn’t toxic, there’s a great guest post on this blog about losing the love of your life. Either way, read on…
- The most important step in figuring out how to move on from your ex. Cutting off contact.
If you want to know how to move on from your ex, this step is crucial. Cut off all access they have to you, period. Delete their phone number, unfollow (or block) them on social media, and stop hanging out with their friends. Stop following their friends, too. This is not only to eliminate their ability to contact you (which will mess with your certainty levels and delay healing) but also to prevent you from contacting them and checking in with them.
Related : 10 signs you’re dealing with a master manipulator (according to psychology)
Breaking up is not a game, and I don’t offer tactical advice. But it can feel like a game where social media fuels your competitive nature and makes you want to prove that you’re over it faster. Breaking up is the only “game” you win by quitting. You win by letting go of your ego because you’re in a committed relationship. Amateur-hour games are exhausting and instant gratification never outweighs the embarrassment and long-term regret.
No contact is a time for you to heal, gain perspective, and prioritize your peace.
If you work together or have children together, you need to cut off emotional contact. Focus on your work, your children, and whatever else connects you to them, and that’s it.
Take it minute by minute, until you can deal with it hour by hour.
And ultimately, day by day.
- Stop trying to “let go.”
When trying to figure out how to move on from your ex, you need to stop trying to “let go.” If you feel like you need to “let go” and are having a hard time doing so, start with acceptance. Letting go right away is a pretty big leap—especially when it comes to your heart. They don’t have the power they used to have over you because you’ve built up personal strength. You let go when you need to because you accept what you have to accept.
Even if it hurts, the truth will always set you free.
- Focus on the things you can control.
Take full control of the few things in this life that you can control, and you will stop putting all of your happiness, worth, and healing in the hands of your ex (and external circumstances that you cannot control).
What can you completely control?
How much you move your body.
What you put in your body.
How you choose to react when you are emotionally triggered.
The more I obsessed with controlling what I couldn’t control, that’s when I was out of control in my head, heart, and life.
My ability to focus on narrow things came from certainty. I am 100 percent certain that you have complete control over the three points above.
Related : 8 clever ways to show a master manipulator you won’t play their games
Now is the time to prove it to yourself.
Build a progression that you protect instead of a mental database that monitors every aspect of your ex’s life on social media. This is where self-esteem and healing (which no one can take away from you) begin and relationship monotony ends. Remember that ultimately we are drawn to relationships that reflect our relationship with ourselves.
Never forget that you have complete control over that sacred relationship. You will be in it for the rest of your life.
- Ease Emotional Constipation
I once heard an old yogi say something like, “When you can’t move the mind, move the body and the mind will follow.”
When you can’t get rid of emotions, you need to get rid of them physically. The emotions will eventually follow.
Before you judge what I’m about to say, please keep in mind that it’s harmless; it’s healthier than picking up the phone or taking a drink or a drug. And it’s very satisfying. It’s also funny, and laughter is truly the best medicine. It doesn’t hurt anyone and it’s private. You can do it anywhere.
Unless you’re in a rush, every time you go to the bathroom, I want you to write your ex’s name on a piece of toilet paper with a marker. Then you flush it down the toilet, relieve yourself on it, and then flush it.
