Key Points
The fear of losing status can motivate a narcissist to do what is necessary to avoid losing the status on which their self-esteem depends.
A partner should call them out when they are being disrespectful or insensitive.
When talking, stay calm and don’t get defensive. They may get defensive and angry but give them space to calm down and think things through.
Many of us find ourselves in intimate relationships with narcissists. Narcissists make good first impressions. They seem confident, outgoing, and charming. They seem to know how to stroke our egos the way we want to be stroked. They can seem hard to get, so if we are lucky enough to have them, it can feel like we’ve won the lottery. And if they are also good-looking and successful, that’s even better. What’s not to like? The sexual chemistry we feel is amazing. What could go wrong?
The answer is a lot. The better we get to know a narcissist, the less we like them. We begin to discover that he is selfish, self-centered, arrogant, and condescending. He may be insensitive and lack empathy. He may feel entitled and expect to be pampered, and get angry when he doesn’t get what he wants. He expects favors that he doesn’t return.
When you feel regret about buying with a narcissistic partner, what do you do? If you are married and have children, it may not be easy to break up and find someone less narcissistic. You may hope that his narcissism is a form of immaturity that he will eventually outgrow. You may hope that if you confront his narcissism and demand change with the help of some therapy, perhaps his narcissism can be fixed.
But what if his narcissism is an ingrained personality trait that cannot be fixed or overcome? What then? Are you doomed to a miserable marriage? And what if you are drawn to narcissistic people despite being frustrated with them and bored with other people who are easier to get along with? Maybe, just maybe, with some hard work, you can learn how to deal with a narcissistic partner and learn how to make the most of a bad situation.
What It Means to Deal with a Narcissistic Partner
Why Narcissists Can Be Treated But Can’t Be Cured? What narcissists want more than anything in the world is to be superior to you. They may pretend to want to marry as equals, but deep down, they want a servant, and this basic predisposition will never be fixed. However, it can be managed because you have the leverage to make a narcissistic partner treat you as a respected equal if you can find the courage to use that leverage wisely.
Narcissists are deeply concerned with their social status. Marriage, children, and the economic benefits of married life provide social status. Narcissists lose this status if their marriages break down. They suffer from a decline in social status and may be seen by others as a failed spouse or parent. The fear of losing social status may motivate narcissists to reluctantly do what they are told to do to avoid losing the social status on which their self-esteem depends. Does this mean that you should start threatening divorce every time you feel upset with your partner? No. This would be a strategic mistake.
Frustrated partners may threaten divorce in a fit of anger to motivate behavior change. This never works because narcissists correctly recognize it as a bluff the first time the aggrieved partner fails to follow through on their threat. The narcissist senses that the partner offering the ultimatum is too dependent on the narcissist to follow through on their threat. What upsets narcissists is not the partner’s anger but their indifference. Indifference indicates that one is no longer interested in the relationship, has begun to wean oneself off of it, and is emotionally preparing for an independent life if it comes to that.
Criticizing your narcissistic partner for their insensitive, dismissive, contemptuous, and shameful behavior in a calm, matter-of-fact (i.e., nonchalant) way works. Of course, your narcissistic partner is likely to respond defensively and self-deprecatingly to any criticism and accuse you of being rude and unfair. They may do their best to convince you to back off. Don’t do it. Make it clear that you have the right to express your feelings and opinions, and that you don’t n
The narcissist will start a counter-complaint and accuse you of abusing him. You don’t need to defend yourself. Just say, “Well, if that’s how you feel, you’re free to divorce me and find someone better. I don’t appreciate that when I raise what I feel are legitimate concerns about you, you throw them in my face. That’s not an attractive trait.” The narcissist still throws them in your face: “Why don’t you divorce me?” Say, “I’m committed to learning how to make the most of a bad situation by controlling my temper and speaking the truth.”
At this point, your partner may back off to make peace. Or they may storm off in anger because they see they’re not getting anywhere with you. If they storm off, as they’re leaving, you can say, “Don’t come back without apologizing for the way I ended this conversation.” Once they’ve calmed down and thought it over a bit, you may get an apology.
You are putting your partner in a forced choice between treating you with respect or allowing you to continue weaning yourself off the relationship until it’s too comfortable to be with the narcissist for good. This becomes the moment of truth for them. Some narcissists may let you go because they can’t get over their pride, but many will give in because they depend on you far more than you depend on them, even if they hate to admit it.
ManagingANarcissistHardWork
Standing up for yourself can be exhausting and stressful. Unfortunately, your marriage will only get worse if you don’t do the work. It’s in your enlightened self-interest. You can always walk away if it’s too much for you or if asserting yourself in this way is beyond your capabilities. If your narcissistic partner is the romantic type you prefer, and standing up for yourself in this situation if you like the way it keeps them on track, you may find that life with this person isn’t so bad after all.
